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Paranormal Activity 2

Sequel: a word that conjures up dread so great, it can cause a grown man to tear off his own arm and beat himself unconscious with it. While that might be an over-the-top reaction to all sequels, get ready to lose a limb after watching Paranormal Activity 2.

To be honest, Your Humble Reviewer did not like the first movie in this crappy series. The pace of the 2007 “original” was slow, the action minimal, with none of those quality extras that mean so little to dodgy directors (i.e. decent camerawork, editing, editing, acting, writing, etc.).

The makers of The Blair Witch Project have much for which they should answer. That flick, which I liked, began a craze for cheap and lousy camerawork. The pair o’ Paranormal Activity movies use a shaky handheld camera for much of the time, but both movies also use stationary surveillance cameras set up around each house for most of the, ahem, action.

The prequel is pre-tty bad

One reason the first movie didn’t do much for this viewer was that I honestly disliked both the main characters. Katie Featherston (as Katie) and Micah Sloat (as Micah) were supposed to be a young couple being terrified by some kind of evil ghost or demon. But they were such a pair of whingeing, petty wankers that I began to root for the poltergeist. “Get ’em!” I would shout at the television screen, causing my darling wife’s head to spin around several times, really fast.

Paranormal Activity 2 is a prequel, the action taking place just prior to that of the first movie. Does this in any way prove that these filmmakers care more about money than their art? Is the pope German?

Not enough scenes with the dog

This time the, ahem, action takes place in Katie’s sister’s home. Pretty Sprague Grayden plays Kristi (I guess a character named Sprague was too unbelievable), married to Daniel (Brian Boland), a guy whose spine has been removed and replaced with pieces of banana. There are others in the house, but the only one worthy of notice is Abby the Dog. Good doggie, nice acting.

With the noisome spook opening cupboard doors and taking the pool-cleaner out of the pool — shock and terror! — these idiots take the advice of their superstitious maid and sic the household demon on sister Katie. Nice move, Daniel! That, of course, takes us to the start of the original flick.

The effects are dull and unimaginative, made even more tiresome by the fact that we’ve seen all this before. I cannot emphasize how bad this movie is. Tiresome and ugly, boring and repetitive.

I’d rather tear off my own arm before I watch a third entry in this snoozefest./JE

out of a possible five.

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Alien x 4

The third podcast from the new HMPOD crew, Mark and Jerry. In this lengthy episode the daring duo discuss the four Alien movies (Alien, Aliens, Alien3 and Alien Resurrection). No space kitties were harmed during the recording of this podcast.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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The Collector

What a drag for Arkin, played by Josh Stewart. He’s been working to install security bars and so on in a big, secluded house owned by a well-to-do family in the middle of nowhere and has the place perfectly cased. Arkin happens to be a thief and he needs this score to save his girlfriend and daughter from the loan sharks.

Imagine Arkin’s surprise when he picks the front door lock, thinking the house is empty, and begins to notice there are strange doings afoot. Trip-wires and booby traps abound, vicious knives and swinging blades adorn the home like a psychotic Martha Stewart just got through redecorating.

Then he begins to find the various family members. Dad (Michael Reilly Burke) is downstairs, tied to a chair, pretty much covered in his own blood. Mom (Andrea Roth) is enjoying time in the tub, except she’s handcuffed and gagged. The oldest daughter is nowhere to be found and the youngest child (Karley Scott Collins in a fine performance) is hiding, according to Mom.

Do not feed the bears

While tiptoeing around the house, our erstwhile hero Arkin — he may be a thief, but he’s got compassion and wants to save these people — stumbles onto an old-fashioned trunk that holds a very badly abused dude. This guy, played by Larry Wharton, is the maniac’s last souvenir and explains that the loony collects one person from each home invasion and does away with the rest.

Now that the plot is neatly explained, Arkin must inevitably come to blows with the Collector himself. Punches and stabbings are exchanged, shotguns blast to no great effect and a vicious Alsatian gets his furry head cooked off.

Big sister arrives home with her boyfriend and — surprise, surprise! — they can’t keep their hands off each other. When Jill (Madeline Zima) spots the maniac peeking at them, the excrement hits the rotating air-coolant device and two more members of the household are goners. The boyfriend gets his in a particularly nasty way, falling into a roomful of bear traps. That’s gotta sting.

Don’t look back

Arkin manages to escape the house once, but when he looks back and sees the young daughter of the family at an upstairs window begging for help from him, he turns around and goes back. Needless to say, he’s got more bravery than brains.

This is an entertaining, sick murder-and-mayhem adventure that starts off like a suspense story, but quickly sinks into pure horror. There’s enough blood spilled and spattered to float a houseboat and more screaming than at Your Humble Reviewer’s Thanksgiving family get-togethers.

The Collector reminded me here and there of the Saw movies, mostly because of the elaborate traps constructed by the loon. That’s not a criticism. In fact, I liked this movie. Writer Patrick Melton and co-writer/director Marcus Dunstan have done a good job. (As an aside, the team is currently working on The Collector 2 and The Collection.)

A wild time, if a little heavy-handed, The Collector is worth a rent./JE

DVD extras: Deleted scenes/alternate ending, making-of minidoc, director & writer commentary.

out of a possible five.

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Survival of the Dead

Written and directed byzombie maven George A. Romero, this 2009 feature is about a small island off the coast of North America with a population split between humans and zombies. I’m guessing the island is somewhere in the Maritime region of Canada, considering the thick pseudo-Irish accents sported by several of the lead actors

The inbred nature of the island means that there are two families vying for power: The Muldoons and the O’Flynns. Muldoon (Richard Fitzpatrick) thinks the zombies should be treated better and trained to do odd jobs around the farm. O’Flynn (Kenneth Welsh) is adamant that you cannot teach a new zombie old tricks and they must be rubbed out. Faith and begorrah, the patriarchs are murderously at odds with one another.

Muldoon banishes O’Flynn and a few of his family members to the mainland. The banishees plot their revenge and attempt to lure people to their cause.

Typical zombie behaviour

Meanwhile, Sarge (Alan Van Sprang) and his small troupe of killers hear tell of this island and its relative safety. Faithful Romero fans might remember Sarge & Co. from 2007’s Diary of the Dead. Seeking a means to survive peacefully, these army rejects find O’Flynn, battle it out with his men and zombies and wind up on an old ferry with O’Flynn and a few bite-marks.

Once back on the island, O’Flynn goes off to kill his enemy Muldoon and the army types begin to die one by one (what else?). The killings are typical of a Romero zombie flick and really nothing to write home about.

Hot zombie-sister action

O’Flynn has a set of identical twin daughters (Kathleen Munroe), one a zombie, the other not. Muldoon is trying to convince the zombie girl to tear a strip off a living horse, his theory being that if we can only get the zombies to eat something other than people, we could all live together in cheerful harmony. But that’s harder than it sounds and the zombie Jane bites the unfortunate Janet.

O’Flynn now realizes he’s lost everything and he and Muldoon have a final battle of revenge. There are more bodies lying around after the gunfight than have been killed by zombies, so the heavy-handed moral seems to be that people are nastier than any creature that only wants to chew your liver.

The comedy, too, is heavy-handed. Kenneth Welsh does an admirable job chewing up the scenery. And it’s a shame that Van Sprang is not used to better effect.

All in all, this mediocre flick is one just for the hardcore George Romero zombie fan./JE

DVD extras: Movie intro by Romero, audio commentary by Romero & others.

out of a possible five.

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A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

If you believe the filmmakers behind the recent remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street, you’d think they struggled to make significant changes from the original 1984 version. Of course, they admit that Freddy Krueger wouldn’t be Freddy without the hat and the striped sweater… and also the finger-knives… and the burn-victim flesh effects… But other than that, it’s really quite a different movie.

Unfortunately, it’s not. Everything that Wes Craven managed to accomplish in his original movie is done here, arguably with better effects, but on the whole it’s a disappointment for those who have seen the original and its myriad sequels and hoped for something new.

Freddy got fingers

The plot involves a group of high school students who are all suffering the same nightmare: a spooky guy with burned skin and striped sweater is threatening all of them with death. Problem is that this dream-maniac really will kill you in your sleep.

The students guzzle gallons of coffee, pop pills and do whatever else they can to keep from nodding off, but eventually each gets too sleepy to avoid Freddy and the nasty custodian of a former daycare centre slices, dices and hacks the terrified teens.

The various deaths are not any more imaginative than in the original. There are a few nice lines from Freddy, in the well-known style of a fantasy killer showing off a sense of humour, but overall the dialogue is stilted and dull.

Been there, killed that

Jackie Earle Haley (Watchmen) is fine as Freddy and can probably look forward to becoming a millionaire playing this part in the interminable sequels that should gout from the pens of the new team charged with dreaming up nightmares for Elm Street. But this is hardly work that stretches a talent like Haley’s.

The kids are, to a teen, unremarkable. Kyle Gallner, Rooney Mara, Kellan Lutz, Katie Cassidy and the prettier-than-any-of-the-girls Thomas Dekker (TV’s Terminator series) are all okay, but any youngish 20-somethings could have done just as well.

If you haven’t seen the original A Nightmare on Elm Street, then this will be fine, chilling stuff. But if you’re hoping for a serious rethink on the venerable slasher series, you are as out of luck as a narcoleptic student on Freddy Krueger’s to-do list./JE

DVD extras: A short making-of documentary.

out of a possible five.

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