Archive for March, 2012

HMPOD.com Podcast 61 — The Darkest Hour

The nonstop horror barrage

Welcome to the latest episode of The Horror Movie Show, the best horror movie podcast in the entire known universe. If you don’t believe us, just try listening to the crap being broadcast from the central plexus of Galaxy M-147B! Whew, stinko!

With literally trillions of horror movies being released every day, it might seem an impossible task to watch every one of them. And, of course, it is impossible. But our hapless hosts Jerry & Mark do manage to review The Darkest Hour, Skeleton Lake, The Skeleton Key, The River and Two-Headed Shark Attack.

The Darkest Hour sees a small group of American friends trapped in Moscow as aliens attempt to conquer the planet with really cool disintegration beams. Skeleton Lake and The Skeleton Key are both movies with “skeleton” in the title. The River is a TV movie and Two-Headed Shark Attack is like having a mouthful of warm chum, so to speak.

Let’s hope that there are no two-headed sharks listening to this episode. I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

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Horrorscopes by Mr. Mark Elf

It’s all about filling the belly

Unlike various ocean-based lifeforms, it is difficult for human beings to live on microscopic zoöplankton and phytoplankton. The sorts of things that humans eat are many and varied, some of them coming in a nice licorice flavour.

All this is neither here nor there. The fact is that you are about to be in a world of hurt, thanks to the federal revenue department. Time to pack up and flee the country! Quick! NOW!!!

Or it may be that I’m just making this stuff up. Heck, it’s not the first time I’ve lied to you people.

See, the fact is, I don’t think anybody is reading this. I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open and I’m writing it. What possible worth does this bit of nonsense have in the Grand Scheme of Things? Well, it turns out that it has a lot of worth. This brief bit of gibberish could be worth more money than the richest man in the world keeps in his secret underground vault. Not the one where he keeps his gold; I mean the other one. The one with the gold is pretty cool though. The guy’s even got a chaise longue set up so he can just sip a tall, cool beverage as he gazes languorously at his enormous golden pile….

I’m sorry. Where was I? I think the subject is food. And I just heard the microwave oven bell indicating my Extra Fatman’s Supper is ready. Let’s eat!

Click me & get great value for your dollar

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Vampires and lycans and wolves, oh my!

Celebrate The Horror Movie Show‘s Diamond Jubilee Episode with mumbling, spluttering hosts Mark & Jerry. On this week’s show, the goofballs discuss a couple of fairly recent horror flicks: Underworld: Awakening and arctic survival tale The Grey.

Lovely, skinny Kate Beckinsale reprises the role of Selene once again in the latest Underworld sequel. By this time in the rather haphazard series, the werewolves have been hunted by humans to the point of extinction and the vampires are next. The battle would appear to be between Kate’s crew and us fearful vampire-killers (are we really supposed to take the bloodsuckers’ side?).

One might think that Liam Neeson could do better than the wildly inaccurate The Grey. However, even with its complete and utter lack of wolfish realism, the story is fast-paced and entertaining; our friends at Greenpeace might disagree.

To round out this episode, Jerry had a chance to see La Jetée, the 1962 short French film that is the direct inspiration for Terry Gilliam‘s wonderful time-travel-paradox movie 12 Monkeys. So grab your bananas and give this Diamond Anniversary Episode of The Horror Movie Show a listen.

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The Walking Dead season 2 finale

Running on fumes

Howdy-hey folks, Jerry here. Just watched the season finale of The Walking Dead and I liked it. Be warned before you read further: this post contains spoilers and claptrap.

I won’t bother to recap the episode, other than to report Hershel Greene (Scott Wilson) and his daughters lost the farm to the biggest herd of walkers this entire season. Our ever-diminishing group of survivors is once more on the move. Of course, now the group is in just three vehicles, including the chopper ridden by Daryl (the excellent Norman Reedus).

The bag of weapons and ammo is also gone, picked up at the last moment by Andrea (Laurie Holden). Poor Andrea, believed to be a casualty of the farm catastrophe, fights her way alone through the woods, out of ammo and energy, rescued at the last moment by a machete-wielding person in a black, hooded Death costume, chained to two other dubious individuals.

Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) led the rest of the survivors away from the overrun farm, only to stop by the side of the road because his vehicle was just about out of fuel. During a tense evening around the campfire, Rick reveals two things. First, they are out of marshmallows. No, just joking. He had to kill his best friend Shane (Jon Bernthal) because Shane wanted to murder him. Second, the reason Shane came back as a walker so quickly — and without a bite from anyone infected — is that all the survivors are already infected. (I think I suggested this in our most recent podcast.) This second tidbit fills us in on what Dr. Jenner (Noah Emmerich) whispered in Rick’s ear in the season one finale.

The episode ends with Rick telling the group that they are no longer a democracy; Rick will make the decisions, the others will follow — or they are free to vamoose. Considering how hard Rick has worked on behalf of this ragtag bunch, I’m surprised at the sudden anger they feel toward their fearless leader. Even wife Lori (Sarah Wayne Callies) and son Carl (Chandler Riggs) are upset with Rick. It’s at this point Rick breaks into a heartfelt rendition of the Allman Bros.Whipping Post. (Of course I’m kidding.)

Finally, the camera flies up and we see that just across the river is Rick’s dream — or pipe-dream — of finding a safe haven. I think the fortified building shown is an old prison. Obviously built to keep dangerous people inside, it could have been turned into a fortress to keep walkers out. Any guesses as to where Andrea’s saviors come from? Any guesses as to what sort of mad society exists inside those cold stone walls?

As I’ve said before, the quality of each series produced by AMC is startling. While I don’t watch Mad Men or The Killing, I am devoted to The Walking Dead, Hell on Wheels and my fave-rave, Breaking Bad. For commercial-ridden TVland, AMC is creating surprisingly fresh, well-written, well-acted, well-produced programs. Keep it up, AMC!

Season three of The Walking Dead will rise from the damp, mouldy leaf-litter sometime this autumn. In the meantime, expect the season two DVD set to lurch onto shop shelves soon. Cheers all.

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Horrorscopes by Mr. Mark Elf

A week of terrible disasters

Of course Mr. Mark Elf — Horoscopocological & Mantological Utterer to the Stars, Larger Asteroids & Some Planets — does not reveal the future so that he can afterwards sit back with an alcoholic beverage, rubbing his hands together in morbid glee, enjoying the mayhem he revealed. That wouldn’t be nice.

Mr. Elf is far more likely to feel quite bad when his lamentable Prognostications come true. Once he felt so bad he refused thirds on dessert. (It was blueberry pie, so that just shows how upset he must have been.)

Asked about his coping mechanism, Mr. Elf wiped his filthy face with a filthy towel and gave us a crooked smile. “I remember favourite lines from the old Monty Python’s Flying Circus television show,” said The Great Man as he went to properly wash his face. “I never even liked that program, but it gets me through the really difficult times.”

“Please fondle my buttocks,” said Mr. John Cleese

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