Each nostril operates independently

This week’s even dozen Horoscopicological Utterances are the sort of thing that can make a grown man begin to wheeze and buckle at the knees. It might also make him sneeze or say “I’ll have a slice of cheese, please.” And he’ll do it with ease after eating his peas. Yes, everything this rhetorical man does or says rhymes with “ease.” Is there any good reason or explanation for this? No. Not really.

It might be pointed out at this point that Mr. Mark Elf, our Astrologer of the Stars (and Planets), has recently come back from having his sinuses scraped by a team of dermatologists and ear-nose-throat medicos. Poor Mr. Elf is currently so sensitized to odours that he is finding it physically painful to be in the same room with himself, let alone his foul and pestilential aide-de-camp, Hoffnung. We suggested he use noseplugs, but Mr. Elf couldn’t hear us above his incessant, piteous caterwauling. Oh well. Just keep your fingers out of there, Mr. Elf. You don’t want to tear open the stitches.

One snooterful of bad gas is enough to sober him up

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A mix of genres found in this Cabin in the Woods

Greetings to all the citizens of the world from Mark & Jerry, hosts of The Horror Movie Show, a usually weekly podcast that informs on all things horror related — or at least ridiculous. This week the shows reviewed include interesting The Cabin in the Woods, one of only a handful of Horror-SciFi-Comedy-Action movies ever made. Is it as good as, say, The Goonies? Who really knows? The gruesome twosome then discuss the season finale of The Walking Dead. (Yes, the episode aired some weeks back. But neither of these idiots can use a PVR. Only VHS video. I could smack ‘em.) Be warned that big nasty Spoilers abound!

Following that is a lively discussion of a movie and its sequel, specifically Laid to Rest and ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2. Recounting the story of a bloodthirsty maniac who likes to torture people to death for no good reason is so seldom attempted by those who churn out horror movies. This is a rare treat.

So these “funny” guys, Jerry & Mark, want you all to know that they have been working hard to watch only the horror movies that make for great conversational topics. Not for these idiots are the movies that leave the viewer stunned with the sheer audacity of a true auteur‘s vision. No, these two goons make a point of watching the noisiest, loudest and highest volume horror flicks available. We asked Mark to tell us why. His answer: “What? You’ll have to speak up!”

Enjoy this show.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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Evil ET conquers Planet Earth!

The greatest fear of all Mankind will occur this week — no, not another television special starring Barry Manilow — as monstrous Aliens from Beyond the Stars reveal themselves to be our new Masters. As the wicked Extraterrestrials impose their mighty collective will upon a cowed and broken Human Race, there will remain but one possible saviour for the people of Earth. And while the odds of that one possible saviour being yourself are approximately one in seven billion, the Mantological Harbingers are in your favour this week. Read the entire exciting Horoscopicological Column to understand your part in this unfolding drama.

Even Mr. Spock would be at a loss

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The Harper’s Field Footage

Check out the latest info on the new movie from hmpod pal John Muscarnero. Faithful listeners will recall that Muscarnero was writer, lead and co-producer of the excellent Dark Woods.

http://www.morehorror.com/The-Harpers-Field-Footage-Teaser-and-Concept-Poster-Releases

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Sun opposed by Saturn this Monday

An opposition occurs when our sweet Earth is directly lined up between another planet and the Sun. Early this week, gas giant Saturn will feature in just such a situation and all sorts of Horoscopical and Mantological problems will undoubtedly arise. Check in with the detailed and finely tuned maunderings of Mr. Mark Elf, hmpod’s own Prognosticator of Destiny. And if you don’t like what Mr. Elf has to say about your coming week, there is no reason you shouldn’t go to your local corner market and buy one of those little scrolly bits of paper that claim to be your personalized Horoscope. Ha! No reason except they don’t even pretend to really care about you. At least Mr. Elf really pretends to care. And he pretends hard, too.

Click this link to become the loyal Opposition

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