Tim Burton digs up Dark Shadows

Good day, ladies and gentlemen. On this episode of The Horror Movie Show, our intrepid and fearful hosts Mark & Jerry discuss several recent horror movies, beginning with often great director Tim Burton‘s comedic take on the wacky old ’60s horror-soap opera Dark Shadows. The new version stars Johnny Depp as Barnabus Collins, a centuries-old vampire who finds today’s world and his modern-day family a bit puzzling.

Speaking of vampires, the boys also review Blood: Last of the Vampires, a movie that could be described as a live-action anime. And just to show we’re not entirely obsessed with bloodsuckers, the other two flicks reviewed are Aaah! Zombies (aka Wasting Away) and Night of the Living Dead: Re-Animation. The latter co-stars the always fun Jeffrey Combs — star of the original three Re-Animator movies.

So let’s get this show on the road, dear listeners. And please drop us a line and let us know what you think of the show. We’d love to hear from you. Really. We’re so lonely….

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Is this The End we all knew was coming?

According to the Mayans and an old woman who lives in Scotland, 2012 is the year the entire planet checks out. This may not seem like a bad thing to those of us who can’t afford to pay our utility bills, but for those few who cherish their lives, this is fairly bad news. The Earth’s final moments will happen in this wise: the gigantic asteroid (bigger than the entire Canadian province of Newfoundland-Labrador) will crash into our planet about 3:30 p.m. GMT on Friday, June 1. So you have, at most, a few days to get your affairs in order. Your Humble Astrologer advises you not bother with the dirty dishes Thursday night. And have that second piece of cheese. Go on… treat yourself! You’re about to become cosmic debris.

All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia

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Avengers assemble for a critical review

Hello, good day and welcome to The Horror Movie Show, the only source for the correct opinion on all things horrific or horror-related. In this episode, your hapless hosts Jerry & Mark talk at length about writer & director Joss Whedon, creator of the short-lived but much-loved SF series Firefly, as well as the megablockbuster The Avengers. Whedon also wrote the screenplay for the recently reviewed The Cabin in the Woods. What a busy guy he is.

Following that is a discussion which turns into a rather mean-spirited diatribe by Jerry about how comic books are not high art. What a snob. Time to lock him in the onion cellar again, with nothing to drink but tap-water and nothing to eat but, obviously, onions. Bad Jerry. Bad.

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Laughing in the face of Death

Well, it may seem an odd reaction to one’s imminent demise, but it’s better than the alternative. Who wants to be carted off this mortal coil as a blubbering, whinging baby? Not me. I want to die with dignity in my sleep like my uncle the airline pilot, good ol’ Captain Newt. Not screaming and hysterical like all the passengers on his jumbo-jet.

One might be tempted, while reading this week’s column of harsh yet absolutely truthful Horoscopocological Utterances, to become grief-stricken, or at least a bit tetchy. But don’t lose hope. Hope is one of those pleasantries human beings deem necessary for sanity. It is, admittedly, absolutely false. But false hope is better than being rammed repeatedly by a big black four-wheel drive. I mean, isn’t it? Duck and cover! They are coming in!

Show me the way to go home. I’m tired & I wanna go to bed

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An eclectic mix of horror flicks

Good day to you, horror fan. You have knowingly or unknowingly dropped into the latest podcast from Mark & Jerry, those sons of fun who bring you The Horror Movie Show. This episode includes reviews of Captivity — directed by Oscar favourite Roland Joffé for some incomprehensible reason — Inkubus (starring Robert Englund), The Caller, the fine Eden Lake and Dead Birds.

What with the weather getting warmer (at least in the Northern or “better” Hemisphere), here’s a tip for all those who collect body parts. It doesn’t matter if the parts come from a hitchhiker or your mother, warmer weather means quicker spoilage of your souvenirs. Always remember to keep your trophies cool till you can get them into the preserving chemicals.

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