Olympic fever raises world temperature

This week Your Humble Astrologer — the redoubtable Mr. Mark Elf, Horoscopologist to the Desperate — turns his All-Seeing-Eye on the great event of the year: The XXX Summer Olympic Games. While the vast majority of Olympic fans will be enjoying the spectacle of these good-natured competitions between nations who otherwise wouldn’t spit on their neighbour, Mr. Elf has been delving below the calm exterior to examine the very spirit of the Olympiad. What, for example, would lead a seven-year-old child to give up the next 15 years of her life (and we’re talking the very best years of life!) to master the balance beam? Is it some virus, some unnamed disease, that drives the child insane? Is it some malign presence in the parent that whipcracks the innocent child into such ultimately pointless and dangerous exercises? Or is it just greed for the Gold? Whatever it is, I’m going to have another box of little chocolate donuts and keep watching.

Why aren’t animals allowed to compete?

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Hot enough to boil a monkey’s bum

Greetings, listeners of The Horror Movie Show, wonderful people that you are. We are back after an absence of a couple or three weeks. Apologies for our tardiness in posting new shows, but we should have a new show for you every week for several weeks. And then some. Why not?

This week’s show — hosted by your personal best friends Jerry & Mark, those two sons of fun — includes rundowns on several new horror and horror-related flicks, including the U.S. remake of Latino ghost story Silent House (starring Elizabeth Olsen, kid sister to Mary-Kate & Ashley), science fiction thriller Lockout, Civil War-era zombie apocalypse tale Exit Humanity and the independently made, low-budget but worthwhile Cell Count. This last was written & directed by Todd E. Freeman. Always good to see something by a worthy newcomer to the genre.

Here’s hoping your summer is going well & you’re not trapped under a bushel of flaming corn-plants somewhere in Indiana. Remember to drink plenty of fluids (as opposed to drinking solids) and keep to the shade. It’s harder for them to “get you” if you’re constantly peeing and hiding in dim light. Cheers!

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The Beatles split up! Whaaaa…?

Last week, Mr. Mark Elf — Astrologer to the Rich & Whiny — was going on & on & on about his pet pig Delphina. For those who care about such things, Mr. Elf’s pot-bellied pal has returned from the hospital, but will soon be undergoing an intensive & ongoing series of medicinal trials to keep the disease at bay. For any of his faithful readers who may think that worrying about some stupid pig’s life is not worth their time of day, Mr. Elf replies thus: “Nuts to you.” Other than that, the Great Man has delivered another dozen Horoscopocological and Mantological Utterances for all to memorize. So… get busy.

Please, please, please… click me, you savage

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The most selfless & generous of loves

Mr. Mark Elf, Horoscopologist to those who can pay, has been in a dark-blue funk recently. It seems his pet pig, Delphina, has been given only a short time to live. The Great Man is devastated and has taken to wandering the endless hallways of the HMPOD.com offices in a tear-filled daze. Well, only the most heartless of monsters would dare say that these deep emotional upwellings are wasted on creatures of another species. But there are cold, miserable haters out there, folks, and they not only find no use for pet dogs, cats, parrots or guinea pigs, they admit openly they are disgusted with such loving behaviour toward our animal friends by any human. A person who is so hard-hearted, so tiny in the natural generosity of spirit, well… that person has no place in the mighty Splutt Building. You know who you are and you are no longer welcome here.

Miracles do happen. Don’t they?

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Sweltering summer sequels seldom succeed

Hello sweaty listeners! This episode of The Horror Movie Show, hosted by the invariably overdressed Mark & Jerry, features reviews of the overblown and thinly plotted Wrath of the Titans. Starring Sam Worthington (the half-human cyborg in the most recent Terminator flick), this movie is even louder than the first one. But volume isn’t everything.

Other big-money box office fodder mentioned by the Boys of Summer includes Ryan Reynolds‘ giggly Green Lantern and the ultra-enjoyable John Carter. If you cannot afford a proper holiday this summer, why not visit deep space or our neighbouring planet Mars for a little R&R?

Finally, Jerry & Mark discuss Retreat, a cool little British horror film starring the always-good Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later, Sunshine), ultra-attractive Thandie Newton (Chronicles of Riddick) and the washed-up Jamie Bell. Now let’s go outside and sit under the sprinkler.

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