Sunday, January 29th, 2012 at
9:22 pm
Did you step in something?
What with the world today being more peaceful and benign than it has been for more than twenty minutes, there is still one issue that should be addressed — and soon! That is the problem of disgusting bacteria and the fact that they are slowly but inexorably taking over control of this entire planet from the species that is supposed to be running things. If you don’t agree that human beings should be in charge, it’s likely you’re not a member of the same race as the rest of us and we must ask you to leave. Thank you for your cooperation.
Click this button, then go wash up
Monday, January 23rd, 2012 at
6:05 pm
But why was the U.N. chasing Hoffnung?
How often does Fate offer us a golden opportunity to rid ourselves of our worst enemy? Not too often. In my case, it’s never happened. But hey — that’s life. However, in this week’s Horrorscope (all prognosticated by Mr. Mark Elf, Professional Astrologer and Mantological Utterer) we learn that the police were all over the top floors of the resplendent Splutt Building after a crime of almost shocking pettiness. But enough from me. Just click the link below if you want to see how the whole cops-and-robbers thing worked out.
Assume the position!
Monday, January 16th, 2012 at
4:56 pm
Parasites in the blood
Unfortunately, quite a number of the “humans” reading Mr. Mark Elf‘s latest Zodiacal offerings are infected with some sort of disgusting parasitic disease. Isn’t that amazing? Some “people” might think this is a fluke, but it might also be a protozoan attack or even some form of very long gut-worm. Best not to eat while reading this week’s column. You may be chowing down for two (or several million).
Click here for your free medical diagnosis
Monday, January 9th, 2012 at
8:48 pm
Is 2012 the last year for Humanity?
Many believe that sometime during the coming 12-month period, the Earth will be laid waste and the wretched refuse of the human race will be wiped out in an absolutely colossal cataclysm that makes an excellent screenplay. Whether it will be Bruce Willis or John Cusack grabbing the last seat on the Mars Express off this burning chunk of detritus does not really matter. What matters is that I am on that rocket. Problem is, I don’t know where the rocket is. Oh well, maybe these end-of-worlders are just loons and there’s nothing to worry about…. Here’s the link to this week’s Horrorscope:
Normally I’m not the sort of person who worries, but…
Oh god, we’re all gonna die…. We’re all gonna die!!! Let me on that rocket! LET ME ON THAT ROCKET! PLEASE! BRUCE! JOHN! DON’T LEAVE WITHOUT ME, CAMERON DIAZ! I LOVE YOU!!!
Monday, January 2nd, 2012 at
4:01 pm
The start of a brand-new year
Hello and welcome back to all of Mr. Mark Elf‘s several followers. The Great Man has been busy of late; he has either been trying to escape the vicious flocks of violent lambs in an Alternate Universe or he’s been in bed recovering from some sort of self-induced hysterical hallucination. Either way, Mr. Elf wraps up his tale of terror in a Parallel Universe in this week’s column.
We’ve made some changes over the last few weeks here at hmpod.com. Among these changes is a fresh set of underwear for both Mr. Elf and his weirdly flatulent assistant Hoffnung. We are confident that this new linen will mean fewer complaints about webpages being smelly and disgusting. The happiest of new years to all our readers.
Ask not what your country can do for you…
