On this, the absolute newest episode of The Horror Movie Show — with your sadly neglected hosts Jerry & Mark — discussions are held regarding the Hollywood blockbuster Dream House, with Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts. What is going on? Are there no American actors for hire? Also discussed: Samuel L. Jackson slums it in The Arena; drug addicts give birth to monstrous child-things in Hidden 3D; and the very fine Love shines down upon our troubled planet. Mark & Jerry also blether about the new TV series Alcatraz. And check out the extraordinary art of Alison Lilly.

And for those few listeners who don’t enjoy the political commentary  — Newt Gingrich‘s head looks like it might hatch out some sort of Godzilla-like reptile creature — you are now past it. Thank you for your patience.

What with the world today being more peaceful and benign than it has been for more than twenty minutes, there is still one issue that should be addressed — and soon! That is the problem of disgusting bacteria and the fact that they are slowly but inexorably taking over control of this entire planet from the species that is supposed to be running things. If you don’t agree that human beings should be in charge, it’s likely you’re not a member of the same race as the rest of us and we must ask you to leave. Thank you for your cooperation.

Click this button, then go wash up

How often does Fate offer us a golden opportunity to rid ourselves of our worst enemy? Not too often. In my case, it’s never happened. But hey — that’s life. However, in this week’s Horrorscope (all prognosticated by Mr. Mark Elf, Professional Astrologer and Mantological Utterer) we learn that the police were all over the top floors of the resplendent Splutt Building after a crime of almost shocking pettiness. But enough from me. Just click the link below if you want to see how the whole cops-and-robbers thing worked out.

Assume the position!

Unfortunately, quite a number of the “humans” reading Mr. Mark Elf‘s latest Zodiacal offerings are infected with some sort of disgusting parasitic disease. Isn’t that amazing? Some “people” might think this is a fluke, but it might also be a protozoan attack or even some form of very long gut-worm. Best not to eat while reading this week’s column. You may be chowing down for two (or several million).

Click here for your free medical diagnosis

Good day to everyone out there in Cyberland! We here at The Horror Movie Show have begun the year with a bang (we exploded our old accountant; he’d been taking a third smoke break so he had to go) and a series of devastating karate chops that effectively eliminated all the deadwood in our magnificently resplendent offices here on the penthouse floors of the fabulous Splutt Building, located closer than you think.

As to the movies reviewed this week by Mark & Jerry, your savage & unnatural hosts, we have a rather mixed or mongrel collection. We begin with The Howling: Reborn. This flick is aimed at the same youngsters and multi-feline owners as the Twilight series, so be warned. The made-for-TV film Doomsday Prophecy is discussed. And we end this episode with a review of Dog Soldiers, an excellent werewolf movie from 2002, recommended by a listener of our very own Horror Movie Show (thanks!). Hope that’s meaty enough for you all to bury your gorey fangs.

Many believe that sometime during the coming 12-month period, the Earth will be laid waste and the wretched refuse of the human race will be wiped out in an absolutely colossal cataclysm that makes an excellent screenplay. Whether it will be Bruce Willis or John Cusack grabbing the last seat on the Mars Express off this burning chunk of detritus does not really matter. What matters is that I am on that rocket. Problem is, I don’t know where the rocket is. Oh well, maybe these end-of-worlders are just loons and there’s nothing to worry about…. Here’s the link to this week’s Horrorscope:

Normally I’m not the sort of person who worries, but…

Oh god, we’re all gonna die…. We’re all gonna die!!! Let me on that rocket! LET ME ON THAT ROCKET! PLEASE! BRUCE! JOHN! DON’T LEAVE WITHOUT ME, CAMERON DIAZ! I LOVE YOU!!!

And we’re not even including the further Republican idiocies that will be foisted upon us. Turn your hearing aid off now.

Happy 2012 to all our various listeners, fans, evil-wishers & assorted halflings! We here at The Horror Movie Show sincerely hope that you all had a wonderful Xmas, etc. and are ready to face the coming year with verve and the sort of cockeyed optimism displayed by Billy Mumfries in that MS Elaine was supposed to read.

This, of course, is all beside the point: in this latest episode, Jerry & Mark are ready to “fill you in” on a newish television series out of the Excited States via the Flaming Pit of Hell. American Horror Story is not the only horror series on TV at the moment — haha, it is to laugh — but at least it doesn’t focus on teenagers and their need to suck. Blood, I mean. As well, your poor, put-upon hosts have been forced to watch Paranormal 3, arguably the worst sequel made to a movie so bad it doesn’t deserve a single sequel. It deserves only condemnation & scorn. Heap it on there, people.

Also reviewed: the lacklustre A Haunting in Salem and 11-11-11, an interestingly downplayed horror flick. That’s a nice change. Happy new year!

Hello and welcome back to all of Mr. Mark Elf‘s several followers. The Great Man has been busy of late; he has either been trying to escape the vicious flocks of violent lambs in an Alternate Universe or he’s been in bed recovering from some sort of self-induced hysterical hallucination. Either way, Mr. Elf wraps up his tale of terror in a Parallel Universe in this week’s column.

We’ve made some changes over the last few weeks here at hmpod.com. Among these changes is a fresh set of underwear for both Mr. Elf and his weirdly flatulent assistant Hoffnung. We are confident that this new linen will mean fewer complaints about webpages being smelly and disgusting. The happiest of new years to all our readers.

Ask not what your country can do for you…

And so we come to the turning of the year and the hopes & dreams of 2012 are now upon us, whether we like it or not…. Let’s face facts: the New Year has already been written off by a lot of people who claim to know The End Is Nigh. Or are these people simply insane in the brain? Quite possibly. In any case, here is the latest episode of The Horror Movie Show. In this hour-long rantfest are discussions by our beloved hosts, Mark & Jerry, of the third instalment in the Hostel series of nasty videos, a review of In Time starring Justin Timberlake and that young lady with the prominent eyeballs, discussion of both Ninjas Vs. Zombies & Ninjas Vs. Vampires. And finally a lively discussion of the low-grade horror comedy Orcs! (the exclamation mark is part of the title; it’s not like I’m particularly excited about the flick).

So that’s it for 2011. Hope all our loyal listeners had a great year & are up for wild times in the coming 12-month period. Stay in touch.

With the year grinding inexorably to its noisy, greasy conclusion, The Horror Movie Show (with your harried hosts Jerry & Mark) presents its Second Annual Christmas Horror Movie Spectacular. Yes, at no additional cost to you, our valued & deranged listeners, we present a discussion of Xmas-themed video nasties. After having mentioned these last year, your hosts did manage to dig up some half-rotted copies of these movies — Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, Saint and Silent Night, Zombie Night.

We here at The Horror Movie Show are grateful for all those who have stuck with us over the last year. Let’s hope that we get a few more laughs as the world wobbles ever closer to The Final Armageddon (probably due end of May 2012). Merry Xmas, Happy New Year, Cheery Hanukkah, Crazy-fun Kwanzaa, and more to all!

On this episode of The Horror Movie Show, with your moaning & complaining hosts Mark & Jerry, the remake of the 1971 flick Straw Dogs is front & centre, followed by Martha Marcy Mae Marlene, the rather ragged Puppet Monster Massacre, the empty Coffin and the humorous Deadheads (no, not a movie about Jerry Garcia returning to life). With Xmas & the other holy-days now upon us, we here at The Horror Movie Show & hmpod.com wish you & yours a satisfactory holiday. Don’t step on any Xmas balls.

It seems that Mr. Mark Elf‘s sojourn in an Alternate Universe will continue for another column’s worth of spellbinding oddness and psychological mayhem. In a world where men are women and the reverse is also true, in an Alien Time Bubble wafting on the wild Chronological Tidal Waves, in a Hellish wasteland not fit for any Astrologer, Mr. Elf is stranded. His only hope is to convince some horny guy who works for a matter dematerialization & materialization company to pay for his drinks. Uh-oh.

This is a local shop for local people

There have been plenty of Hellraiser movies, Clive Barker‘s massively popular celebration of the sadistic and horrid. The latest is another disappointment in a series that started strongly and is now little more than a cheap money-grab. There are plenty of better movies out there.

Other flicks mentioned in this all-too-brief episode include Escapee, with Prison Break‘s Dominic Purcell as a murdering maniac (can’t be bad…); Repeaters, a rather more serious version of the Groundhog Day idea starring teenagers; and The Woman, writer-director Lucky McKee‘s parable of repressed sex & violence in American Suburbia. Have fun!

As hard as it may be for some to accept, there are not just a few but an infinite number of Universes in this o’erarching Multiverse we call home. And the doorways and slidewalks and waterslides that allow us to travel — often unbidden — to another, stranger, perhaps happier Universe may lie just outside your own door. Or maybe outside your friend’s door. My point is that these entrances might be anywhere at all. You just never know.

BTW, Mr. Mark Elf said he wants to wish Jerry a happy birthday for this Monday. I’m not sure we’re allowed to use the public airwaves such as these emanating from our massive radio-broadcasting station here at the top of the mighty Splutt Building for personal greetings. But what do I know; I just work here. Enjoy the Horrorscope column. Might be Mr. Elf’s last.

These pretzels are making me thirsty

John Carpenter‘s sizable reputation certainly wasn’t hurt by the lacklustre prequel to his great movie The Thing, but your poor, put-upon hosts Mark & Jerry have plenty to say about the much-anticipated Scandinavian megaflop. Also on this episode of The Horror Movie Show, we hear our hapless hosts discuss the first half of the second season of The Walking Dead. Other flicks considered bletherworthy are 2010′s Goblin and the animated short Blinky™. Now let’s get out there and shop till our guts explode and hang out our trouser legs! It’s the only way to celebrate Xmas.

It seems Mantological Man of Mystery Mr. Mark Elf has been spending a little too much time being bounced around the crowds seeking Holiday Bargains. He may also have been whacked hard with a copy of some crappy gossip-rag, because he’s off on a tangent of some sort. I can’t figure it out. Maybe it’s supposed to be revealing, but it just seems weird. I prefer my fun in person — if you catch my drift, if you see where I’m headed. Nothing better than hoisting a few cold ones and then hitting the singles bar and… Who am I kidding? I’m hideous… Here’s the link to the Horrorscopes.

You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em…

Or are they? One can never know for sure what is festering in the soupy, gooey sludge that fills the misshapen cranial cup of our miracle-worker, the one and only Prognosticator Extraordinaire Mark Elf. While there is no doubt the Great Man can see into the future (at least as far as lunchtime), he does not see a lot of good. Doom, gloom, dark clouds, rains of fire, rains of toads, rains of blood — and much, much worse — all these and more await you whether you read this latest Horrorscope or not. You might as well have a giggle, eh.

Who the Hell plays Croquet these days anyway?

…Unless there’s a mad German scientist involved and he wants to stitch your face to someone else’s backside. Then you should opt out of that particular club. However, your intrepid hosts Jerry & Mark grab the victim by the tailend and face the grim realities of both the darkly funny The Human Centipede and its better-than-expected sequel. Also reviewed on this edition of The Horror Movie Show: the wittily titled The Dead Matter, the overblown Vlog, the interesting Wake Wood and one truly awful flick, The Gruesome Death of Tommy Pistol. Now… everybody kneel down, get in line and wait your turn to be stapled to your new best pal. The Third Reich was nothing like this…  Ah, der fun ve haff!

Our resident Prognosticator — the renowned and unhygienic Mr. Mark Elf — is back and he’s been gracious enough to hand over another dozen Horoscopocological Harbingers of what will occur over the next seven days. It looks like all the Water Signs are in for a rough week, as are the Fire and Earth people, too. Luckily, the remaining humans will escape with only some road-burns to their buttocks. Make sure you bring some topical disinfectant.

Click me for the ride of your life, big boy

Greetings, loyal listeners! This all-new and extra-creamy edition of The Horror Movie Show, hosted as always by lovable chatterboxes Mark & Jerry, contains 30 per cent fewer peanuts than our normal episode. So while it’s not safe for anyone with a peanut allergy — in fact, it could still be deadly — the point is we are trying. Check our list of ingredient for further details, including a review of Contagion, the star-filled Hollywood blockbuster about world pandemic, the Bradley Cooper vehicle Limitless, The Bleeding House (excellent old-style horror) and the execrable Space Zombie Bingo (which has neither space, zombies nor Bingo — ripoff or what?). Jerry & Mark also blether on for a bit about fave-rave TV show The Walking Dead. Then everything is blanketed in a thick, rich coating of what may or may not be chocolate. What a delicious mix.

All eyes may now fill with tears for poor Mr. Mark Elf, our own purveyor of preternatural prognostications. Shortly before the dear but odiferous fellow was set to turn in his 52nd Horrorscope column, he was caught up in an evening of frightening intensity that would have fried the eggs of even the bravest of hearty souls. Needless to say, thanks to his quick wits and love of cross-dressing, Mr. Elf survived his encounter with a creature so terrifying that any other human being would have been wet with the sheer horror of it all. Please, read on….

Do you think he really wants to change tires?

This episode of The Horror Movie Show (with your long-suffering hosts Jerry & Mark) features reviews & discussions about the movies Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (Guillermo del Toro‘s remake of a 1973 TV-movie), Children of the Corn: Genesis (yet another sequel to a lame Stephen King story), The Dead (African zombies galore) and Creature (Louisiana swamps + teens + monster = pseudo-entertainment). Hope nobody is getting too burned out about Xmas yet. Tis not yet the season….

It could well be. In fact, I’m pretty sure Adolf Hitler‘s disembodied brain is calling the shots for the Republican Party, considering the sort of submoronic right-wing chowderheads that are representin’ the idiot Teabaggers. The fact is, the economy is in the dumper — and I don’t just mean the U.S. economy, I mean the entire world’s economy — and fixing a problem of this scope is a matter of guesswork for whoever is in the White House, 10 Downing Street or wherever it is world leaders clean themselves in private.

Well… I seem to have veered from topic. Here are another dozen Horrorscope prognostications from that odiferous fellow, Mr. Mark Elf. Hope they are of use to you. I’m going to find a bottle and crawl inside. (It’s going to have to be a big bottle.)

Does anybody else hear those damned bells?

At least, that’s what a pair of U.S. astronauts discover when they are sent on a secret mission to our planet’s largest satellite… It seems the Soviets got there some time before— but no, let our wonderful hosts, Mark & Jerry, tell you all about Apollo 18, a frightening tale of being truly alone. Also mentioned in this episode of The Horror Movie Show are much-loved director John Carpenter’s The Ward, TV-movie Killer Mountain, 2010: Moby Dick and a quick review of the Original Faces of Death, first in a long series of grisly flicks. Anything else? Well… maybe a comment or two about how stupid and ridiculous is Fox News hack Sarah Palin. Why not?

The annual celebration of the spooky and supernatural is once more upon us and Mr. Mark Elf — self-styled Man of the World and Prognosticator Extraordinaire — commemorates not just Hallowe’en, but his 50th Horrorscope column! And what a celebration it is…. For the most part, Mr. Elf moans interminably about his current lady-love. But it’s pathetic. She sounds like a total loser, which would suit Mr. Elf, I suppose. Anyway, don’t lose any fillings or bite down on any razorblades, kiddies. Let’s be careful out there.

Anybody gives me crap candy, they’re in for it…

The Horror Movie Show is back! And we have returned with another full-length dialogue about some of the latest, if not greatest, horror movies out there. Your egregious hosts, Jerry & Mark, begin the show with some chitchat regarding the new second season of The Walking Dead, AMC’s hit series. Continuing with the TV-show-theme, Mark fills us in on another couple of fantasy-horror series, namely Grimm and Once Upon a Time. There are also reviews and convos about Exorcismus, the 1931 version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and finally the movie Pig — the only real shocker of the night. So get out there and enjoy Hallowe’en with your full-face mask (making you virtually blind) and with headphones on listening to our show (making you virtually deaf). Head for the Highway of Hershey and get yourself a big old gooey mouthful. That’s dang good eatin’….

It seems that Mr. Mark Elf has managed to annoy someone or some group of people enough that his life is in danger. While this would be an impediment to most of us, Mr. Elf finds such threats to be life-affirming and a cause for celebration. “Should I stop living my life because I have an enemy?” he asked philosophically. “I don’t believe so. Now you must excuse me. I have an unmarked ferry to catch in 12 minutes. Out of my way!” Oh, Mr. Elf! You are such a funny fellow.

Oh, he is so out of here… again…

And being the quintessential good fellow that he is, the Great Man has deigned to unzip his bag of tricks and reveal a full 12 items that will both inform and deform… Ahh… I don’t know what the Hell I’m saying… This is such rubbish. Listen, people, there’s this guy at the other end of this screen and he’s soft & doughy — like a Halloween scarecrow filled with vanilla pudding. Yet I have to go on with this nonsense. Here’s another column of Prognostications, if you like that sort of thing.

Oh, I am so out of here…

It might seem a harsh or vicious thing to say, but every single person who works for the Fox News corporation is an evil, lying, two-faced, rat-brained tool of the multinational companies. The sole purpose of Fox News is to give some credence to a raft of cretins that has not the intellect of an empty container of flowable cheese. Please, won’t you join with Mr. Mark Elf now to rid the world of the Fox News scum?

Use all methods to smash Fox News now!

Hello. We have a guest here today who has asked to address you. As we seem to have enough bandwidth, we have agreed that Mr. Cecil Dufferin may have the next paragraph.

Good day to you all! I am writing this from my palatial office, high atop the exact Centre of the Earth! It’s windy up here! I hope I never see another flying silo! But enough… Enough stories about Global Warming and how we’ll see, within the next few generations, whether the coastal cities really do flood. And more! But don’t be afeard… I hereby propose that holes be bored in the bottom of the ocean. Gigantic holes and they must go many miles deep! Deep, I tell you! Then shall the Centre of the Earth be eternally doused! Let the World Powers elect myself, Cecil Yale Dufferin, to head up this project, which will also make a lot of jobs. And let me say this: I do this work, not for myself… but for everyone.

Movies this week include Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Michael Bay directs from the heart with this big, bad teddy-bear of a movie. You’ll sniffle when the red one… dies. You’ll weep when some other colour is… I don’t know… At least the robots are more lifelike than Josh Duhamel.

Mr. Mark Elf has again cobbled together an even dozen Horoscopocological and Mantological Utterances in accordance with the contract he was forced to sign with hmpod.com‘s parent company, Devour The World Inc. Mr. Elf feels the board members of DTW are pressuring him to be more accurate for less money, something he says is patently absurd — and not logical. “If I am paid more money, then my accuracy will go up,” says The Great Man as he scavenged for fish bones in back of a local oyster house. “I really need a drink… Can I borrow enough for a bottle of aftershave?” Ha ha, no.

Don’t give Mr. Elf money for aftershave, please

Well, it may not be true, but that’s the sort of wildcat reportage you will get when you listen to this — or any — episode of The Horror Movie Show, starring your very best friends in the entire world, Jerry & Mark. What these two don’t know about horror movies would… uh… fill several million volumes. But they are both fairly hygienic and neither is unkind to small animals (except Mark). Oh yeah, they are also very devoted to “doing the right thing” (other than Jerry).

In this episode, Mark waxes philosophically about Attack the Block, Jerry blethers on about Don’t Let Him In (the unremembered movie trailer that uses the title as its catchphrase is Straw Dogs) and also A Serbian Film (quite the super-mega-downer). As if that isn’t enough, there is a review of Adrien Brody‘s Wrecked and much of the show focuses on Scream 4 — Wes Craven directs all the old favourites in this latest episode of the well-worn franchise.

Poor Mr. Mark Elf has run into some trouble, but his difficulties are as nothing compared with the doom and gloom he’s forecasting for the rest of humanity this week. Perhaps it has something to do with sunspots, or maybe our homegrown Horoscopologist is just in a bad temper. There is no way to be certain. However, this is an excellent week to put your house in order and make sure you have a legally binding will. Just saying….

Where will you remain for Eternity???

On this absolutely brand-new episode of The Horror Movie Show, your affable hosts Jerry & Mark discuss the finer points of simian evolution in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Also discussed: a rather artful and interesting Brit-flick (The Hide), as well as big Hollywood SFX (Source Code). And no issue of The Horror Movie Show would be complete without a review of one of those amazingly cheesy giant-genetic-animal-freak movies, specifically Dinocroc vs. Supergator. My money is on the human with the A-bomb. Yeeeeeee-haw!

Our own Horoscopologist and all-around “swell guy,” Mr. Mark Elf had a rough week. Following a brief stay in the hospital for a shattered skull, he came home to find a lot of mail piled up on his desk. While wading through this virtual avalanche of fan- and hate-mail, Mr. Elf has managed to prognosticate an even dozen Mantalogical Utterances. Plus he was beaten badly (i.e. very effectively) by a savage and unnatural boy-child, Roy Glanders. Poor Mr. Elf; he’s such a kvetch.

Press this line to “enjoy” your Horoscope

This week’s Horror Movie Show, brought to you by the fine folks at hmpod.com, brings you the latest on several new movies, including the Daniel Craig outer-space vehicle Cowboys & Aliens. Co-starring Harrison Ford, this is one wacky adventure story. Next up is Cowboys & Zombies, made with but a fraction of the other movie’s budget. What will Horror Movie Show hosts Mark & Jerry think of these two flicks? Who the heck knows?The opinionated pair also opine about Mel Gibson‘s comeback movie, The Beaver, and Jerry reads from his current fave-rave bedtime book: 23 Minutes in Hell. Strap yourselves in and expect a bumpy ride (one of the tires is flat).

“I absolutely think that this Stanley Kubrick kid could wind up being a hell of a movie director,” opined Mr. Mark Elf as he sunned himself recently in a friend’s dank basement. “So long as he keeps clear of that nutjob Kirk Douglas, I think that boy has a pretty decent chance of making his mark. I hear he also enjoys playing chess and kissing wild animals. That’s a fast route to heartbreak, Stanley. And it’s a very short road.”

I don’t avoid women, Mandrake. But I do deny them my essence.

Poor Mr. Mark Elf is the first to admit that his love-life has generally been rotten and rightfully unreported. But this week, the Great Man lets down his guard as he drops a few hints about his unhappily brief marriage to the strange Audrey. Can you live without the details? Can you? Really? Go on — get outta here! Everyone in the entire world — and beyond — must read this week’s Horrorscope column by Mr. Elf.

I gave my love a chicken that had no bone

The geniuses who put together The Horror Movie Show (lovingly provided courtesy of hmpod.com) do a lot of talking in this episode about the original — and arguably the best — of The Terminator movies, then go through the sequels one by one, ending with a loving lot of blether about the long-expired TV series. However, your hosts Jerry & Mark should have paid attention to The Terminator extras on the DVD. On that disc, writer & director James Cameron talks about how he came up with the idea of the Terminator killer-robot while stuck in a European hotel room with a sweaty fever. Not as interesting as what Mark & Jerry have to say, but those two are just making this all up. I strongly suspect they know nothing! Nothing!!!

Is there a lower form of life than the door-to-door salesman? Yes, if one considers the very worst salesmen as being apart from that group of hard-working, unpleasant and invariably stinky group of “humans.” How much worse it would be to sell encyclopedia than to merely sift through trash at the city dump and suck one’s dirty fingers! Oh yes, predictions are that this is not a good job for anyone anywhere at any time. Believe it!

Have you considered all the advantages of owning, etc….?

As every listener of The Horror Movie Show (hosted by Mark & Jerry) knows, sequels are most often a blatant money-grab, an obvious ploy by a producer without a fresh idea in his or her pointy head. However, now and then a sequel is as good — or even better — than the original. Quarantine 2: Terminal is such a sequel. The boys also discuss The Task and Dead.Tone. Oh well, at least there’s one really good movie this episode….

And the public will eat it up! Or rather drink it up. It seems that our resident Horoscopologist and Seer Mr. Mark Elf has put his enormous brain to good use for once and invented a product that will finally and completely end the embarrassment of those who are not taken with the vile poison that is coffee. Sounds like a winning idea, doesn’t it? We didn’t think so either. Keep your day job, Mr. Elf. Keep your day job.

Drink me… Go on… Drink me now…

G’day all! Aussie Andy heah, jist ta till ya thet Jirry & Mahk‘ll be mouthin’ off abaht Suckah Punch, a crizy movie abaht a sheila what gets herself inta sahm real hawt watah. Lots o’ pritty sheilas in this movie! Eftah thet, those two longwinded blokes — Mahk & Jirry, I mean — they tawk some moah rubbish, abaht The Walkin’ Dead. End lit’s not ferget Heahaftah, with that Clint Eastwood guy. Gawd, who tha hill is listenin’ ta this kangaroo dung? Chundah!

This week’s column was submitted to the hmpod.com offices in the mighty Fleen Building on large, soft clay tablets, painstakingly overwritten in Cuneiform. This made it fairly difficult for our secretary, Mrs. Edwina Poppercorner, to decipher. It is highly likely that at least three of the 12 Horoscopocological Utterances are completely wrong. Which ones? Do you really care?

Mrs. Poppercorner is hungry for a man

No idea what the above title means, folks. However, here is another full episode of The Horror Movie Show with your garrulous hosts Mark & Jerry. This time the boys discuss Vanishing on 7th Street (starring Hayden Christensen), Dylan Dogg: Dead of Night, the David Lynch wannabe Nightmare and Train (with the ultra-attractive Thora Birch). FYI, the movie that Jerry stumblingly tries to remember starring Fred Ward (the role later reprised by Dennis Hopper) is Cast a Deadly Spell. Ward plays Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft. Well worth checking out. Have fun!

Actor Michael Caine is a stalwart of both the good and bad. He has made good movies and he has made bad movies. He has done good deeds and bad. He has slept in good hotels and, of course, bad hotels. He has had sex with good women and women who are, quite simply, bad. But most importantly, he has nothing whatsoever to do with this week’s Horoscopocological and Mantological fomentations. Why would he? These gems are nothing but good, good, good.

Michael Caine says: “Dere’s not many people know dat.”

Oops, wrong movie

On this new episode of The Horror Movie Show with Jerry & Mark, our intrepid and only slightly idiotic hosts discuss Red Riding Hood, the philosophical smash hit Megapython vs. Gateroid, genuinely creepy After.Life with the ultra-attractive Christina Ricci and the nicely done medieval witch-hunt Black Death. Ah, they don’t make plagues like they used to! What else is discussed in this show? You must listen or die in ignorance!

There seems to be no way to avoid this swelling, believes Mr. Mark Elf, Horoscopologist supreme and Diviner divine. It is a cold, hard fact that the atmosphere is being tainted by dreaded Greenhouse Gases. Automobiles, the meat industry, petrochemical conglomerates, off-Broadway musical revues — all are speedily and abundantly creating and releasing vast quantities of methane, carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases. Well, says Mr. Elf, not fast enough.

Pull your finger from the gas-hole and touch this

This episode of The Horror Movie Show — with your horrible hosts Mark & Jerry — begins with a new invention that is sure to make driving a whole ‘nother experience. And if you don’t much care for that, we’ve got reviews of the hilariously awful Hobo with a Shotgun, super-campy Dahmer vs. Gacy, the classic ’50s sci-fi flick It Came from Outer Space and give you the low-down on the much-anticipated prequel to John Carpenter’s The Thing. Now sit back, take your hands off the wheel and enjoy a nice snack as we drive straight towards that cliff….

A slightly lighter tone is struck in the midst of this week’s Horoscopic Fomentations and why not? It’s summertime and the living is easy — so long as you have air conditioning and the money for all the Popsicles you desire. If you live on the street, however, or in a crummy apartment with a super who thinks boiling you in your home in worth a chuckle or three, then we here at the Horror Movie Show website suggest you try to move into a small body of fresh water in order to keep cool. If that doesn’t work, try fanning yourself with a copy of the latest blockbuster by Stephen King. I don’t know. I can’t think in this awful heat….

Time to learn a new mode of enjoyment

Due to a death in the family, Mr. Mark Elf has been rather too preoccupied with personal matters this last week. Astute believers might have noticed that there was no Horrorscope Column last week. This unusual situation occurred simply because Mr. Elf was involved with intense séance work and trying to contact the Dear Departed. While he had no luck talking to the Deceased, he did get through to a Mrs. Urethra Restop of Dallas-Forth Worth. Evidently it was quite warm in Texas. In any case, Mr. Elf is back and prognosticating most alarmingly once again. Enjoy…?

Gather ’round the table, join hands and think of The Haunted Mansion

This week’s Horror Movie Show features commentary on a plethora of great movies, including Turistas and Vinyan, some not-so-great movies (Drive Angry, Altitude) and more (The Dead Outside, The Experiment). Jam-packed with thrills, chills and the occasional giggle, this episode is hosted by the ghastly Jerry & Mark. If you listen very, very carefully, you can hear them holding hands during the scarier moments.

In this week’s particularly inspirational dozen prognosticatory utterances, Mr. Mark Elf lays it all on the line when he tells his faith-filled readers just what the coming weekdays will hold for the entire race of human beings. It’s hard to believe that such knowledge could be contained and then spewed forth from a cranium barely larger than a regulation softball, but that’s the kind of guy he is. (Please, if you meet Mr. Elf in person, do not knock or squeeze his head as if it was a canteloupe or honeydew melon. Thank you in advance.)

Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hairy Roadkill

The Midnight Meat Train is a great horror movie and Jerry & Mark have lots to say about this 2008 classic. As well, reviews of Dinoshark, more on The Fourth Kind, The Devil’s Tomb, Finale, Pax Americana and never forget that you can’t spell Slaughter without laughter. The Horror Movie Show is in the subway and we invite you to partake of our meaty goodness.

It may be later than you think. Or earlier. All depends on whether you’ve got an accurate wristwatch. If not, this is the perfect time to allow Mr. Mark Elf, prognosticator and major-league irritant, to give you a genuine, personal Horoscopocologically astute reading. If you cannot detect the exacting truth in each and every one of these mantological utterances, then we will gladly refund your money. (However, you have to send us your money first.)

This way to the most truth you’ll view all day

Writer and director J.J. Abrams, best known as one of the big-brains behind TV’s excellent Lost and the refurbished and revivified big-screen Star Trek, has returned with Uncle Steve Spielberg as his producer. Between the two of them, they boast a lot of filmic accomplishments. But is J.J.’s latest —  the sci-fi versus the air force romp Super 8 — up to snuff? Jerry & Mark discuss this movie and several others, including Thor (but briefly) and a pair of Western horror flicks (The Burrowers and Jonah Hex). So saddle up that nine-legged horse-eating monster and mosey on down for the latest Horror Movie Show on hmpod.com. Yeeee-haw!

Specifically, Mr. Mark Elf — prognosticator extraordinaire — needs somebody to read his latest column in which he demonstrates beyond a measure of doubt the influence of the Starry Firmament upon the most-famous and arguably the best-dressed of all rhythm combos: The Beatles. Hopefully this will lay to rest all the rumours of Paul being dead, John being the walrus and Ringo being tone-deaf.

It’s like being back in old Liverpuddly…

Sure, a lot of people think werewolves are cute and cuddly when they’re young. But once they’ve grown up, they become the fiercest of all dog-related monsters, ripping the living flesh from bone, devouring the tenderest parts of the torso and generally just stirring up trouble. In this new episode of The Horror Movie Show, your hirsute hosts Mark & Jerry discuss all things Lycanthropic, including reviews of the original movie (starring Lon Chaney Jr.) to the newest version of The Wolfman (with Benecio Del Toro). So click the play button below, sit back on your hairy haunches and hoooowwwwwl along.

What has Mr. Mark Elf, Prognosticator to the Stars (and Beyond), got himself into this time? It seems he has run afoul of some crab fishermen and the skipper of the ship might want to quit himself of the psychic nuisance. In what could very well be Mr. Elf’s final set of Zodiacal and Mantological Utterances, the Great Man gives vent to an even dozen Horoscopicological harbingers of sheer evilness, horror, doom… and worse. Enjoy!

Enter the Great Crab-pot of Destiny!

And our reason to appeal to our fine listening and reading audience is simple: if you want to keep listening to the wild and wacky bletherings of Mark & Jerry, we here at hmpod.com need you, yes you, our faithful followers, to click on the ads you find scattered here and there, willy-nilly, hither and thither over the page or two you see presented before yourself.

Why are we making this appeal? Well, I’m pretty sure I just answered that above. Our wonderful advertisers need to know that they are getting click-throughs, that our amazing fans are willing to take a look at the all-important ads on our page.

Please, for the sake of Art, for the sake of quality Critiques, for the sake of the Cheap Jokes made by Jerry & Mark, for the sake of poor, wretched Mr. Mark Elf (he has a sick mother, you know, as well as a severe hygiene problem), for the sake of us all, please click on the ads you see. Try to do it daily, twice daily, eight times daily. Are you really so busy that you cannot spare a few moments to press a button? Are you that selfish? This website is all some of us have. Lost the car in a fiery crash, lost the house on a game of Bingo, lost the kids somewhere in Southern California… God knows I don’t ask for much, but please — PLEASE! — leave me this stinkin’ hmpod.com and the amazing Horror Movie Show.

You can save the day. You really can. Spread the word about the site, about the show, and click, click, click.

Thank you all for your time and effort on our behalf.

From a world beyond the incomprehensible depths of space, strange visitors from another planet have infiltrated and invaded our own dear Mother Earth. Have they come to offer us the Secrets of the Universe? Or are they here to extract our bone marrow and feed it to their pet monstrosities? Either way, I’m staying in this Saturday. For news on the alien infestation and more, pass your gaze over Mr. Mark Elf‘s horoscopocological utterances and mantological prognostications. Why not? You got something better to do?

They’re coming right at us!

Hello and welcome to hmpod.com’s most recent and most magnificent Horror Movie Show. This time around, your hosts with the ghosts are chatting amiably about some new (or at least newish) movies, all of which should be available on DVD or however you watch such things. The bizarre Rubber, excellent Buried, creepy AntiChrist, hilarious Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil and more. Join Jerry & Mark now and enter the world of gory fun.

That denizen of the World Invisible, the almost positively amazing Horoscopologist Mr. Mark Elf, the “man” himself, has conjured up another dozen prognostications. That’s a lucky coincidence, considering that there are also a dozen Zodiacal Starsigns. What more can be said? Nothing at all, chump. Nothing at all.

It’s just this little chromium switch right here…

Welcome to another podcast from your personal pals at hmpod.com‘s Horror Movie Show. This episode, your fearless hosts Jerry & Mark take you to a little place called Transylvania to pry the lid off a particularly nasty box of monsters: the infamous Vampyre! From the 1931 classic that made Bela Lugosi the world’s most famous Hungarian, to the long and amazing career of Christopher Lee, and a myriad of other blood-swillers, tune in now to hear all about the oh-so-sexy vampire menace.

Harking back to an older, gentler age — when stand-up comedians were actually funny and the guy who wore suspenders was your milkman — Master Prognosticator and Astrologer Divine Mr. Mark Elf offers up ten-plus-two mantological utterances that should see every single one of our bloodthirsty readers wiser and richer in spirit by, say, Tuesday. Just so you understand that there are no guarantees on anything but electronics. You know what I mean.

Hit me with your rhythm-stick! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!

On this episode of the Horror Movie Show, hosted by Mark & Jerry, the guys chat about several worthwhile new flicks… and also Priest. What other movies are critiqued, discussed, dissected and disgorged? How about Matt Damon‘s The Adjustment Bureau, based on the story by SF stalwart Philip K. Dick? How about I Am Number Four, starring pretty-boy Alex Pettyfer? And, last but definitely not least, we include a review of Season of the Witch, starring Nicolas Cage and the always entertaining Ron Perlman. So sit back, turn the volume to 11 and enjoy….

Yet again, our own unhygienic and odiferous Mr. Mark Elf has put on his thinking cap and prognosticated another dozen Zodiacal utterances. Pay heed, all those who seek the fortunes of their future! Mr. Elf is not to be taken lightly. He is to be taken with two aspirin and maybe a shot of Pepto-Bismol, both soothing and pink. Now read on, gentle friends. Read on….

Go ahead and use me… I like it, I really do

There is little more aggravating than having one’s fun ruined by a stray creature gnawing on the wooden legs of guests. Well, that’s not true. In fact, I can think of dozens, hundreds, of things more aggravating. Let’s start again: Slightly annoying is having one’s fun ruined by a stray creature gnawing on the wooden legs of guests…. That just sounds lame… I mean, stupid. Is there anyone in the entire world who still has a wooden leg? It’s all space-age polymers and plastics today. Oh hell…. Look, let’s just get to the link for Mr. Mark Elf‘s famous Horrorscopes column, all right?

Here’s the link… Let’s put this ugliness behind us….

Howdy folks. This episode of hmpod.com‘s Horror Movie Show features your ineffable hosts Mark & Jerry yacking on and on, almost endlessly — my dog, will they never shut up? — about all the variations of the story of Frankenstein. From the still-entertaining and beautiful 1931 original, the movie that launched the career of horror locus Boris Karloff, to Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein and many more. So strap yourself onto the slab and throw the switch… It’s time to feel The Power!

And if you don’t believe that, then you are obviously not a member of The Holy and Apostolic Church of Neptunian Moons, Inc. In any case, you should be able to glean some spiritual assistance from Mr. Mark Elf‘s weekly Horrorscope column. This week, brought to you by the colour Purple and the number 7.

Give us a click and an Ooga-booga-boo!

Certainly one of the best young directors to come out of the battle-scarred studio empire-replublic wars of the late ’90s, M. Night Shyamalan has been a force for peace and goodwill, as well as a director of uneven and only occasionally brilliant movies. Hear the full scuttlebutt here in a discussion between Jerry & Mark (both here!), your faithful protagonists of the Horror Movie Show!

Every office has one, the employee who must constantly demand more than his or her share of attention, the worker who cannot be content with his or her lot and a weekly paycheque that would feed several rabbits quite comfortably. In our office, inside the mighty Splutt Building (headquarters of Mark Elf World Domination Enterprises Ltd.), we’ve got one such employee. Phew, what a stinker.

Just click this link to reveal your future!

Mark & Jerry return yet again with a discussion of some new DVD releases, including The Traveler and Heartless, as well as an in-depth review of the films of M. Night Shyamalan. All this and much, much less on the latest Horror Movie Show on hmpod.com. Brought to you, as always, by absolutely no one. Enjoy….

Poor Mr. Mark Elf finds himself yet again in an emotional entanglement with his wild-eyed and wholly repugnant office manager and assistant, Hoffnung. Please don’t think badly of Mr. Elf as he has more personal problems than a raft of aging dentists. For this week’s prognostication, please click the link below. You know you want to….

Yes, this is the link I was talking about

One of the best horror series ever created for television, AMC’s The Walking Dead has everything the horror fan wants: blood, guts, brains on the half-shell and more gore than you could shake a lower intestine at. In this episode of The Horror Movie Show, your hosts Mark & Jerry talk incessantly about why this is such a great series (now available on DVD). Check it out… if you dare….

Mr. Mark Elf, that wonder of modern times, has deigned to come up with another even dozen Horoscopicological prognostications. The word of Mr. Elf is his bond and he is pleased that he offers readers at hmpod.com only the very finest, freshest forecasts. If you can find fresher Zodiacal harbingers — buy them… because that is… well… pretty good. Yup. Pretty darn good.

Abandon all hope ye who enter

Lots of new stuff on this week’s Horror Movie Show. Hosts Jerry & Mark return in fine form to talk about some new releases on DVD (including Black Swan) and a couple of movies currently in theatres (Insidious, World Invasion: Battle Los Angeles). Do they like ‘em all? Some of ‘em? None of ‘em? What a mystery….

Yet again, your friend and mine Mr. Mark Elf — seer and prognosticator divine — reveals the unknowable and the untenable in this week’s Horrorscope column. Let us hope that Mr. Elf’s Mystic Powers are never used for the purposes of evil or, for that matter, good.

This way to the Great Unknown…

Plenty of people get bent out of shape when they hear that a Professional Astrologer sometimes finds it difficult to “come up with a prediction.” There’s really no need for this sort of emotional response. Simply take a deep breath, count to five-hundred-thousand and ask if you could do any better. If the answer is “No” or “Probably not,” then you’re in for a treat: neither can our resident Horoscopologist, Mr. Mark Elf. Read this week’s column and see what we mean.

Touch me… Go on… Touch me…

Welcome to the latest edition of the Horror Movie Show. This episode Jerry & Mark continue their convo regarding favourite and amazing flicks having to do with science-fiction and horror. Many horror films have an SF component and vice-versa. This show confirms that in a very real and legally binding way. Hope you enjoy listening as much as Mark & Jerry obviously enjoyed talking. Yap, yap, yap. Just try to get those guys to shut up. No wonder they never get invited to parties.

Hi folks; Jerry here. Just got back from a fantastic performance by The Residents, a group of creative artists who have been working together for more than 40 years. The performing band has been trimmed from four to just three members, but the costumed and wacky characters, the dark and powerful music, the peculiar and hilarious animated films, all added up to one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. If you don’t know The Residents, check them out. If you want to see them, check the band’s schedule.

It’s like Chas. Addams, Frank Zappa, Wm. Burroughs and Rob Zombie all mashed together — only with better music. Highly recommended.

Thanks to a very special deal made by HMPOD.com, Mr. Mark Elf has been in touch with the powerful prophet and forecaster of future facts, Nostradamus. Are you prepared to glean the Wisdom of the Timeless prognostications of a really super dude? This week’s Horrorscope should tweak your fancy and tickle your terror bone. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumptious night.

Touch this space to feel the magic

The latest instalment of the Horror Movie Show featuring Mark & Jerry features a plethora of horror movies that all have something or other to do with science fiction. From the relentless, heart-pounding terror of The Terminator to the difficult-to-find chills of Anglo-television’s Cold Lazarus, Jerry & Mark have an opinion on all of them and they are more than willing to share it with you, faithful listeners.

Old, corny jokes might make the listener groan, but Mr. Mark Elf has some hilarious tricks up his shrunken sleeves for those who wish to entertain and amuse those at work. Whether you struggle in an office or toil in an office-like environment, there’s laffs a’plenty in this week’s Horoscopocological Prognostications!

Click here for instant gratification

“Carpe diem!” That’s the message promulgated by the amazing and astounding Mr. Mark Elf in this week’s Horrorscope column. Unfortunately, Mr. Elf believes the Latin phrase means “Grab that carp,” and he is often heard shouting it at fishmongers in Chinatown. Whatever it means, there is little doubt that Mr. Elf is the best darned Astrologically Gifted prognosticator that it has been your pleasure to consult. Read his utterance concerning your Starsign and if you don’t like it, choose to follow another Starsign’s advice. Why not? Nobody actually believes this crap. I mean, really…

Click this link to visit your own future

Here are even more grand and glorious horror movies chosen out of thousands by the hosts of the Horror Movie Show, the multitalented and only slightly nasty Jerry & Mark. We here at hmpod.com wish you the very best of luck in finding a good time with this podcast.

Yes, once more HMPOD.com is moderately proud to bring an even-dozen prognostications from that man of a thousand snivels, Mr. Mark Elf. Perhaps best known as a hen-teaser in his native country, Mr. Elf has become one of the only horoscopocological geniuses ever to perform a double vasectomy on himself while hiding from the authorities. Now… if you possess the intestinal fortitude to face the fully revealed future… read Mr. Elf’s harbingers of your own doom….

Click this… I dare you, chicken… click it…

Whatever your taste in horror flicks might be, from the salty to the nasty, from the hilarious to the intellectual, the Horror Movie Show hosts Mark & Jerry have got something for you in this latest podcast. Pull up a coffin, take your muddy shoes off, knock the head off a tall, frosty corpse and enjoy as Jerry & Mark discuss some of their all-time favourite horror movies. Why not? You’ve got something better to do?

Considering all the mental and physical problems that beset Mr. Mark Elf, Astrologer and Horoscopologist to the Stars (literally: he has a deal with the beings who own Sirius and all of Ursa Minor), what more could go wrong with his fetid, febrile body? Alas, his legs are now causing issues. Read all about it in this week’s Horrorscopes by the Great Man himself.

Your fortune awaits…

Jerry & Mark bring their faithful listeners info on The Rite, starring Anthony Hopkins as yet another possessed priest, as well as several movies just recently released on DVD. Best of the bunch: Monsters.
DreamHost codes

Greetings, faithful followers of Mr. Mark Elf, world-renowned excavator of The Truth. This week Mr. Elf brings his even-dozen mantological utterances to his column with only a hint of the bloodlust so often experienced by the truly gifted. Just be glad that you don’t have to deal with the little freak in person. He’s such a swine.

Your future awaits…

Mark & Jerry, hosts of HMPOD.com’s Horror Movie Show, were exceptionally busy during the last couple of weeks and therefore have not been able to find time to produce this week’s podcast. However, the work done by Jerry & Mark over the last two weeks has led directly to the ousting of Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak, forever and always winning Mark & Jerry a place in the hearts of all freedom-loving peoples around the world.

In the meantime, for those of you who cannot live without hearing from Jerry & Mark, we present the Horror Movie Show‘s small contribution to this year’s Splatcademy Awards, Monday, February 28, broadcast on www.DeadLantern.com.

Best of luck to all the movies nominated and let us hope that no kind of hideous disaster, man-made or natural, strikes down the hosts of the Splatcademy Awards this year.

Writer and director Gareth Edwards says that if Cloverfield is 9/11, then Monsters is five years into the war on terrorism and nobody cares anymore. Edwards’ comment is also apt because, while Cloverfield and Monsters are very different movies, there is a feeling they share, a commonality of how humans can be awed by forces beyond their control. Or perhaps it’s that we are overwhelmed trying to control forces beyond our control.

The premise of Monsters is that six years ago, NASA discovered “the possibility of alien life within our solar system.” The probe sent for samples breaks up over Mexico and shortly afterwards some rather strange and dangerous creatures began to appear. The northern half of Mexico is declared an Infected Zone. The military wages an ongoing battle to keep the creatures contained, but it seems that incursions outside the Zone are constantly being made and it may be a losing battle.

One of our “adventure holidays”

The cast consists of just two actors, Scoot McNairy as Andrew Kaulder and Whitney Able as Samantha Wynden. He is a photojournalist, desperate to shoot some actual alien action, rather than merely take pictures of day-old carnage. She’s the daughter of Andrew’s boss, a media tycoon, and Andrew must find a way to get her safely back to the U.S.

Andrew is not, at first, very likable. He’s cynical, driven, a bit desperate to make his name and make some money. Sam, on the other hand, is beautiful, bright, calm, a little lost, a little sad. The pair run up against a series of mishaps that ultimately means they have to traverse the Infected Zone by bus, truck and foot.

Along the way they meet an assortment of Mexican citizens and see a variety of military actions. The aliens are glimpsed — they appear to be gigantic octopi crossed with spiders, a huge bag-shaped head-body atop a thorax loaded with legs and tentacles — but as in many well-made monster movies, the full view of the creatures is saved for the climax of the film.

The kindness of the people along the route, Sam’s sweet-natured openness, Andrew’s hard-bitten façade; all are explored en route to the good ol’ U.S. of A. By the time the couple finally makes it to the small gap in the formidable border fence, they have grown close. But further surprises await them once they’ve returned to their own country.

Beyond the flash and dazzle

Your Humble Reviewer won’t give away any more of the story than that, but suffice to say this movie grabbed me and held on to the end. Monsters is one of the best movies, of any kind, made in the last few years.

The comparison with Cloverfield is certainly valid, but Monsters is deeper, a more complex take on a world that is stranger, more dangerous and certainly more wonderful than what went before. Cloverfield was all surface; Monsters digs deeper, uncovering the human stories that lie beneath the flash and dazzle of first, violent encounters. And, of course, the question of who the monsters of the title really are is a vexing one.

Another movie with which Monsters might be compared is District 9, the 2009 flick about ETs living in a South African slum. And that notion of extraterrestrials finding a place for themselves on Earth goes back further to 1988’s Alien Nation.

But Monsters is definitely its own movie. Imaginative, beautifully filmed, superbly acted, it will definitely make YHR’s list of the year’s best. Highly recommended./JE

DVD extras: Commentary track with Gareth Edwards, Whitney Able and Scoot McNairy; very short minidoc and a few deleted/extended scenes.

out of a possible five skulls.

This week, Mr. Mark Elf has gathered together a solid 12 of his most amazing prognostications. Sweating in a more-or-less haughty manner, The Great Man was particularly odiferous as he hit (unsuccessfully) on the HMPOD.com receptionist, Miss Gladys Pfewll. Enjoy!

Press these words to find the future.

Sure, every child gets out of hand occasionally. But what do you do when the child in question has eaten the brains of a dozen or more innocent babysitters? Only thing you can do — move to another town and change your name to Wally. Jerry & Mark continue their discussion of evil younguns on this week’s Horror Movie Show.

Bill Maher, TV comic and well-known atheist, said of The Rite that he cannot be frightened by anyone he could escape by taking the stairs two at a time. Yes, Anthony Hopkins is in his 80s now, but he can still summon up enough bark to make the viewer fear his bite. (Though the old dude might lose a few teeth in the action.)

The Rite is about a young almost-priest named Michael Kovak, played by Colin O’Donoghue, who has pretty much lost his faith — if he ever had it at all. His father, played by Rutger Hauer, runs the family business, undertaking. Young Michael figures he can either go into his dad’s mortuary biz or become a priest. Kind of a narrow range of options he’s set himself.

No matter. He chooses the priesthood and graciously allows Holy Mother Church to put him through four years of university. When he sends a letter to his superior saying he’s going to bow out before taking the final step to priesthood, his superior blackmails him with the threat of having to pay back his “student loans,” amounting to $100,000. The alternative is for Michael to hightail it to Rome and learn all about exorcism.

The superior, played by the diminutive Toby Jones (Infamous and The Mist), claims that there is such a need for trained exorcists around the world that hundreds of thousands must be trained. At the same time, he acknowledges that the average age of nuns is very old. This all means that shortly we’re going to be inundated with demons — here, there and everywhere.

Devil-may-care attitude

Once in Rome, Michael starts his exorcism lessons. Also in the class is a beautiful young woman named Angeline, played by Alice Braga. She’s a reporter who wants to write about the growing use of exorcism.

Michael is also introduced to Father Lucas Trevant, played by the always entertaining Hopkins. The old man lives in a lonely, run-down old house with about a hundred cats. Father Lucas also treats the demon-afflicted in his sitting room. Among these victims is Rosaria, played by dark, wide-eyed Marta Gastini. Her story is interwoven with incidents from Michael’s life, confusing and spooking the young man.

When Rosaria’s young life comes to a bloody conclusion, there seems only one place for the offensive demon to go: into the saintly old priest himself. Now Michael and his gal-pal Angeline must exorcise Father Lucas — even though neither has experience at doing an exorcism and Michael isn’t even sure if he believes any of this supernatural rubbish.

Bring in the Campbell’s!

I’m with Michael on this one. While there are a couple of odd occurrences, for the most part everything that is displayed could be explained by mental illness. The possessed cought up long, nasty, old-fashioned nails (often in groups of three, reminding us of what happened to poor put-upon Jesus all those years ago), but there is none of that over-the-top demonic abandon demonstrated in The Exorcist.

The movie even makes fun of this fact. Old Father Lucas asks Michael: “What were you expecting? Spinning heads and pea soup?” Maybe not expecting it, but something a tad more interesting than veiny makeup and gravelly voices would have been welcome.

The Rite manages to conjure up a few scares, but they are rather small and weak. When Michael finally bests the demon, forcing it to reveal that it is the powerful Baal, all the young pseudo-priest does is kick him out. Seems to me that could have been some of the most interesting stuff for a movie on this topic. Alas, it is a movie of let-downs and anti-climax.

Let’s also just mention that this is yet another of those demonic-possession movies in which the Roman Catholic Church is shown to be the one-and-only church that has got the answers. No Baptist, Buddhist or Brahmin is going to help in this situation; demons of Hell only answer to Jesus and family.

Your Humble Reviewer would recommend this movie to fans of Hopkins and those who don’t want to see a barrage of gross, over-the-top imagery. This is demonic possession for gentlemen and ladies, and not the usual bloodthirsty crowd./JE

out of a possible five skulls.

Mr. Mark Elf, highly acclaimed and hygienically challenged professional Horoscopologist, is back with another dozen prognostications for his devoted and only slightly gullible followers. Now is the time to send him a note telling him how great you think he is, or that he should wash more often — even yearly.

Press these few words here, please.

People today might worry that children are being raised as self-absorbed brats who can relate to an inanimate object such as an iPod better than they can relate to another human being. None of that will seem half so bad after you listen to Mark & Jerry on this week’s Horror Movie Show. These are some very naughty children indeed.

Our resident Astrologer, the talented and heavily medicated Mark Elf, puts to rest all this nonsense about a 13th Zodiacal House. “There is no truth in what this so-called Parke Kunkle is putting about,” said Mr. Elf. “These astronomers are all punks and misfits. Ophiuchus my tuchus. I’ve got the straight skinny.”

Press this sentence now.

John Carpenter, the director who created one of the great movie monsters (Michael Myers in Halloween) and such classics as Escape from New York and The Thing, is discussed in this edition of the Horror Movie Show with Jerry & Mark. Evidently, they like him.