Horrorscopes by Mark Elf

Family matters. Or does it?

Editor’s note: Mr. Mark Elf is a prognosticator of some renown. His long-running Astrological Column was published successfully for more than eight years in the much-maligned and sorely missed Vancouver Star Weekly. Mr. Elf takes no responsibility for the truth of his readings. But you should, must, will and should believe every word. Every single solitary word.

“Having just survived a major crash, I understand how frail and keen is the loss of all we hold dear,” said Mr. Elf as he caressed what appeared to be a new mouse. “Yes, I was just trying to write my column last week and my computer just up and quit on me. If there is anything worse than a computer crash, I’d like to know what it is. No, hang on a sec… I do not want to know what is worse.”

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For the week of February 19–25, 2012.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Mr. Tinfoil-Hat has got hold of several large TV dish antennae and is planning to beam his Id directly into your bedroom. He hopes to make you thoroughly aware of his unfortunate existence. Don’t be confused later this week if you find your dreams are not your own.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

It can be very difficult to concentrate on the All-But-Unknowable Cosmic Harbingers of Future Portents when one is looking forward to a new episode of The Walking Dead. I don’t know why it’s so much fun, but that is my favourite show on the goggle-box at the moment. I think I like it because the zombies remind me of my family.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Sure, it’s easy to smile and roughly pat my head and tell me that my family cannot possibly be as awful and disgusting and gross as the zombies staggering around on The Walking Dead. But you haven’t met my sister….

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

One of my sisters — let’s call her June — is constantly ordering everyone about. “Do this, do that, don’t do that, do this!” she shrieks in ever-rising shrillness. “Are you a complete idiot? I already told you what to do! No, not that! Do this! Do this! Now!” Jeez, it’s enough to make you wish for a wood-fired pizza oven large enough to throw her in.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

This sister is also insane. Do you remember the line from Cheers in which Dr. Crane is talking to Cliff and he asks, “What colour is the sky in your world?” With my crazy sister, the sky is whatever colour suits her just at that second and it changes often and without any seeming reason. And you’re an idiot.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

We recently went through several years in which June wouldn’t talk to me. She wouldn’t tell me why she angry with me (because she couldn’t) and would not even come to the smallest family gathering because she hated me so much. That really hurts, even though I understand she’s mentally ill.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Many years ago, June was angry and wouldn’t talk with our parents or other sister (we’ll call her Lois). As I was the only relative June would acknowledge, the others asked me how I thought the crazy bissom should be treated. I counseled patience; after all, I remember saying, if she was sick with cancer you wouldn’t be angry with her.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Mental illness is a disease, but for those who are not-crazy it can seem that the crazy person is making vicious attacks for no good reason, just to be cruel. Unfortunately, this can be difficult — if not impossible — to take in stride. Even though I know it’s June’s unbalanced brain causing the situation, it seems as if she’s doing these terrible things on an absolutely conscious level.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Now, of course, as we all age there are fewer and fewer members of the family for June to concentrate upon in her flights of crazy fancy. While she may still believe that our dad physically abused her on a nightly basis when she was eight, she has put this aside because dad is still useful to her — financially, at least.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

This coldbloodedness is probably the hardest aspect of the situation. June seems to only get really angry with family members for whom she has no immediate or practical use. It is truly heartbreaking to hear about the way she treated our old mum. While I have to say I am not a violent person, it makes me want to hit June with a frying pan or golf club.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

And this, I suppose, is my own mental cross to bear. If I cannot rise above the petty anger my sister brings up in me, then how can I believe myself to be better than she is? She’s crazy; what’s my excuse? So I just have to let it go. Let go of my anger and my impatience. Let go of the exaggerated feelings of sibling rivalry that still exist.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Family is a very tricky thing. There are times when I wish I could chuck ’em all and hire some elderly Japanese couple to be my parents, maybe a set of Rumanian twins could be my new siblings. But I guess I’m stuck with my blood relations. You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your family’s noses. What a world, what a world….

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For the week of February 12–18, 2012.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your tinfoil-hat-wearing neighbour wants to welcome you to the area with a fancy Hawaiian luau. Of course, he does not know what a luau is and he has never heard of Hawaii. But he does intend to stuff pineapples up your nose till you sound like Don Ho chewing on a chainsaw.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Thirty or so Samaritans will drop by your place on Thursday night to clothe and feed you. Even though you don’t need their help, these kind-hearted Samaritans will continue to minister to you till you are so heartily sick of their goodness you will kick their naked, hungry butts onto the street on the coldest night of the year. That’ll learn ’em.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Be sure to buy a lottery ticket for the big draw this week. I’m not saying you will definitely win the grand prize of untold millions in gold and cash-money, but if you don’t have a ticket it is unlikely you will reap the rewards. However, if you don’t buy a ticket you cannot lose. So what it comes down to, ultimately, is that I don’t care.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Filled with righteous indignation and outraged at the latest political machinations in this great country’s capital, you will be urged by Molotov-throwing extremists to march in protest of just about everything. But what would your grandmother think if she saw you in such company? Tsk, tsk, she would say. Tsk, tsk.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

A low rumbling Monday morning will be followed by an violent upwelling of raw sewage, filling your vestibule with a dark-brown sludge. The odour of this muck will be so strong that the Fire Department will be called to burn your home to ashes. Shortly thereafter a delegation, led by the Mayor, will arrive to sow the ground with salt.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

For the millionth time, there is no need to constantly and forever use hyperbole. No one in the history of the Milky Way Galaxy has so often exaggerated everything as completely as you do. If I live to be a billion, I will never, ever understand why you are the most awful person who has ever lived — ever. Not if I live to be a trillion.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

A group of very cold, very hungry Samaritans will come scratching at your door one night this week. Kicked out by their ungrateful host, these poor wretches will expect a handout because they are “so nice.” Give them a hot bowl of beans, then play Twister into the wee hours. The winner gets to help the loser.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

If it wasn’t for the massively inflated and overweening pride in your own feeble accomplishments, your ego would be just the right size to fit into a ten-gallon hat (black, of course). Unfortunately, this pride thing has swollen your head till no hat in the world could fit your cranium, with the exception of a large stew-pot. Handle forward!

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Scurry through your hole in the wainscoting and ask not why your children are so perverse as to think you a buttoned-down romantic. If not now, when? If not there, where? If not green — blue? …Yes, blue it is. At 10:38 a.m. tomorrow behind the bagel shop. Thanks for your attention.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Filth of an unknown origin will rain down upon your automobile this weekend, the fetid globs of disgusting nastiness hitting the windshields with the thick, wet slap of the truly offensive. Take your vehicle to the nearest carwash and have it detailed immediately, else thou shalt feel the wroth and wrath of the righteous.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

A bucket of horse manure, well-aged and perfect for fertilizing a small flowerbed, will be placed on the exit door of your local bowling alley. As you leave the premises, the bucket will fall on you, covering you in manure and giving you a barn-like odour that will last a month of Fridays. At least you’ll get double seats to yourself on the bus for a while.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Winter is not yet over. The last snow of the season has yet to fall. And when it does fall, it will be deep and many people will stumble and disappear into the heavy dump of icy precip, frozen in place till the Spring Thaw. Be sure to get out early and collect jewelry from the still-solid corpses.

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For the week of February 5–11, 2012.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Having just watched the late, great Alec Guinness star as about eight members of the same English aristrocratic family in the black comedy Kind Hearts and Coronets, your tinfoil-hat-wearing neighbour has decided to methodically eliminate all those who stand between himself and the Royal Crown of Ghana. Smile shyly when he refers to you as “The Pretender.”

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Surely no one else in the history of the Cosmos has managed to bring whining so close to being an artform. Your mastery of the mewling, moaning and bemoaning states of consciousness have made you a Yogi of Yowling, a veritable Zorro of Zen Bellyaching. Believe me, that is quite the miserable accomplishment, you big baby.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Hearing a heartfelt “Gesundheit” or “God bless” would be quite comforting this Tuesday when you suffer a near-fatal allergic reaction to a half-kilo of powdered asbestos blown into your face through a faulty heating duct. However, it’s best if you just move straight into the back of a funeral home.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

With the force of a thousand superhurricanes, an industrial vacuum cleaner — wielded by a masked maniac — will suck the lower-half of your body into a large, dust-filled paper bag later this week. Don’t take it personally. The masked maniac is only doing this to impress a girl: Lisa Loeb. Is she even alive? Does anybody know? Are those glasses real?

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Emerging from a haystack behind you, a nine-foot-six-inch monster will devastate your life by pointing out to all your friends how pretentious you can be. Best to just nod politely as he delineates all your terrible faults. If you interrupt the giant monster, he will drag you into the haystack and eat you. Quelle drag!

Cancer

June 22–July 22

The sound of water rushing through pipes in your bathroom wall will be taken by a visitor this weekend to be the pitiable screams of a torture victim concealed in a secret room off your kitchen. The police will arrive, the wall will be broken, no victim or secret room will be revealed. But your landlord will have you beaten, just on principle.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

“Fat fat, water rat,” the chorus that has plagued your life since you were but a wee sprog, will be heard loudly and repeatedly at the big board meeting on Monday. As your fellow execs sit around the huge oaken table, their foot-stomping chant will quickly reduce you to tears and hysteric cries of “Cut it out! You guys are mean!”

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Little able to resist the inky smile of the tri-toothed hillbilly maniac driving the rusted-out beater, you will listen to his drunken tale of hookers blowing up his homemade meth lab. When he orders you into the trunk of his car, it might be wise to pass. In fact, running in the other direction screaming and gesticulating wildly would be your best move.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Withholding love from family members can only come back to bite you on the backside. As baldly suave singer-songwriter James Taylor says, the best thing is to “shower the people you love with love.” Except for your cousin Al. That guy should only get cancer and die already.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Similarly to Libra above, this is an excellent week to “shower the people you love” with defoliant. I’m not saying they are themselves noxious weeds, but most of them are only visiting to steal your houseplants. Why should they have all the fun? Make sure they take home only dead sticks.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

While famous rodent Punxsutawney Phil may have recently declared six more weeks of winter, you can avoid this unpleasant furtherance of the cold and chill by immediately jogging south. Get going now and by the end of August you should find the weather warmer, the air more humid and your clothes very dirty. What did you expect?

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Your Humble Astrologer is loathe to offer this final Horoscopicological Utterance to all the Capricornices out there, simply because there is no good news in the Heavenly Portents. Truly, this is a week for laying low, because Wednesday — this coming Wednesday — you will be visited by a mob of… Holy Hell! I can’t say even say it!

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For the week of January 29–February 4, 2012.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your tinfoil-topped neighbour has gift-wrapped a special new pet just for you. When you find the beautifully presented package on your doorstep early this week, quietly fill the bathtub with water and then sink the gift box. The creature inside should drown in a couple of days. It may seem cruel, but you don’t want to mess with one of those!

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

More than seven billion human beings on this planet, yet we cannot as a species take great pride in that. There are more than seven billion bacteria just on your right hand. It’s about time that the humans acknowledge the true Overlords of this planet: teeny-tiny invisible creatures.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

There are invisible creatures all around us. We are surrounded, inside and out, by vast quantities of these tiny bacteria — not to mention viruses! When you take viruses into account, then we are so clearly outnumbered by the minuscule that all humans should just give up and take a long walk off a nearby cliff.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Sure, plenty of people will point out that it was humans, not microscopic lifeforms, that built the Great Wall of China, invented the unicycle and came up with asbestos underarm shields (for women who fear their pits might burst into flames). But without any mechanical aid whatsoever, bacteria have colonized this entire planet from pole to pole.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

And there may very well be bacteria on other planets, as well as asteroids and meteors. Plus I’m pretty sure that sludge in the back of my car’s glove compartment is some sort of slime mold from the Andromeda Galaxy. At the very least, it’s a very rude residue.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

That might sound odd, a mysterious gunk that could be considered rude, but when a lady gets into my car, the residue never stands up or even says hello. From where I’m sitting, that makes this some of the least-mannered gorp in the history of civilization… or at least the history of my glove compartment.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Thursday is a good day to stick it to your co-workers. No longer need you put up with their constant sarcasm and miserable opinion that you are not good enough to eat your hot, moist lunch in the president’s office or even grab a quick, wet snack in the dumpster in the alley out back.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

There’s no accounting for taste. Or is there? It seems that a team of chartered accountants in Miami, Florida, have come up with a way to quantify the way an individual tastes with his or her lifestyle choices. So a person who is a mixture of salty and bitter is likely to acquire rattan furniture; a person who is sour and salty is likely a leather-sofa person.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

This all makes sense when you consider that the natural flavourings of our large, hairless hides are meant to both entice and discourage other creatures from eating us while we sit under a hair dryer at the local beauty parlour. Who could enjoy that?

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Friday afternoon at precisely 4:45 p.m., you will be visited by the first of three spirits: The Ghost of Friday Past. This disembodied spirit has been sent to try to save your soul from the deadening influence of too many prime-time TV soap operas. Stop watching before it’s too late!

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

More than fifty huge, filthy bats will flit into your bedroom sometime next weekend and threaten to overturn your mint julep. While these bats are not welcome guests, neither are they the most dangerous intruder into your private world in the next few days.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Truthfully, there’s little need to fear the enormous, ferocious bats. It’s their disgusting, bacteria-laden guano that is the big problem. The gigantic flock of flying rats will leave between three and eight inches of primo bat-crap in your home. If this poisonous stuff comes in contact with your sandwich, it’s game over, man. Game over!

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For the week of January 22–28, 2012.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Hardly daring to breathe, you will be trapped on the far side of your sofa this Tuesday as your tinfoil-hatted neighbour hunts you with some sort of undersea speargun. Don’t worry too much; he’ll lose interest within a week. Ten days tops. This is also a good week for land speculation.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Tensions are running high here in the Penthouse offices of the Horoscopocological Utterances Dept. here atop the mighty Splutt Building. It seems that someone has run off with the little metal box we use for petty cash. The money was left in the receptionist’s desk drawer, but the little metal box is gone.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Needless to say, all eyes were on my nauseatingly foul assistant, the irrepressibly horrid Hoffnung. With his record of smalltime pilfering in most parts of Europe — not to mention the Africa-wide search for Hoffnung conducted by the United Nations in the 1980s — the squinty-eyed little runt was immediately believed guilty.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

I wouldn’t say a word against my poor, beleaguered assistant. Not while he was in the vicinity, certainly. Behind closed doors, of course, I did a pretty good impersonation of the sort of hysterical blamestormer known and loathed by police forces around the world.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

“I have no doubt Hoffnung is guilty! Take him away and lock him up, officer! Lock him up and throw away the key!” I said when asked by a cop for my name. When the policeman asked me my name a second time, I nodded and met his steady gaze. This was the moment I had longed for, lo, these many years.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

“Hoffnung is dangerous!” I screamed. “He’s a maniac! I’ve seen him drag a whole sheep into the copier room and there’s nothing left of it after he’s done with it except the ears and a few handfuls of dirty raw wool! You’ve got to take him down! Shoot to kill! He’s crazy! There is no way to know what he’s going to do next! For mercy’s sake, kill him!”

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Fixing me with what I believed was a wry half-smile, the officer tried another tack: “How long have you known this Mr. Hoffnung?” I gulped audibly and began to sob, my shoulders heaving, my chest quaking as I tried to draw a laboured breath with which to begin to answer this complicated and shameful question.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

“It was, uh, that is… Um, I mean… How long? Uh… known him?” I stammered, my mind racing in a million directions at once. “I… I guess I first met Hoffnung… It was in 1976. July 4, 1976. I remember because I was attending an all-female performance of Twelve Angry Men in honour of the Bicentennial.”

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

My hands writhed in my lap and my entire body was damp with cold sweat. I shut my eyes tight as I continued: “After the performance, I waited by the backdoor entrance to the stage as I particularly wished to congratulate the winsome lass who had played Henry Fonda. Sure enough, several hours after the show, out came this stunningly beautiful young woman.”

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Sobbing uncontrollably now, I said: “Before I even had a chance to introduce myself to her, I was struck on the side of my head with a disgustingly juicy rotten cabbage. It was so putrid that it took weeks to syringe all the cabbage muck from that ear. Who flung the awful cabbage? Who?! It was the horrible Hoffnung!”

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

I squeezed my eyes shut even harder as I recalled his fateful words that day: “Hey Toots, why’n’t ya dump dis joik an’ come along wid me? I knows hows to treat a high-class piece o’ stuff like youse, Chickybaby.” I stood there, filthy cabbage juice soaking through my clothes, running down my body, and watched as she giggled and left with him.”

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

I heaved a great sigh of relief. It felt good to unburden my soul, to tell my terrible tale of the first of so many tragic times to this sympathetic Peace Officer. My trembling somewhat under control, I opened my eyes, expecting to see manly tears of sympathy in the policeman’s eyes. But he had already left the room. I’m not sure when.

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For the week of January 15–21, 2012.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your neighbour, the one who believes rays from outer space are being beamed directly to his moribund skull-filler, was recently quoted saying he intends to “turn out your lights permanently.” This may just be his green attitude coming to the fore, or he may intend to murder you. Either way, energy savings will ensue.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

How many of those terrible Pirates of the Caribbean movies will Johnny Depp churn out? I thought the first one was bad. Since then, the producers have managed to rope some good actors into the series. The last movie will undoubtedly culminate in an atomic explosion, the damned monkey pushing the button. At least, that’s what I hope happens.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

A tall, thin, distinctly green fellow will contact your parents about having you moved to his planet. While he claims to be a Martian, he is actually from Venus. And it’s not a “he,” it’s a “she.” And she is a Venusian chef and wants to cook and serve you to the High Exalted Queen of Venus. So that’s pretty impressive for a wart such as yourself.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Hard as it may be for the several readers of this Horoscopicological and Mantological Column of Utterances to believe, this is the sixtieth Horrorscope written by Your Humble Astrologer. Sixty! That’s almost enough for someone to offer me a book deal. Really. Come on, publishers! Make me an offer while I’m still super-cheap! Hurry! Hurry!!!

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Just got a notice that I owe my local government $20 for a dog licence. I wouldn’t mind, but I’m not entirely convinced that what I have here is a dog. The creature is perfectly willing to follow simple commands (sit, lie down, stay), but has a great capacity for tricks such as “roll over,” “attack” and “devour.” We haven’t had a mail delivery for weeks.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Thursday you will be diagnosed with Bilharzia, a chronic disease endemic in parts of Africa and South America. It is caused by an infestation of blood flukes or schistosomes. How you were infected with this parasite is a hazy mystery, but I would really appreciate you not using my guest towels for a month or two.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

You or your significant other is pregnant or knows someone who is or will become pregnant. Or possibly someone who already had a child. Oh what the Hell: somebody is going to have a kid and name the baby “Schistosomiasis.” Not a bad name for a little girl, but way too feminine for a boy-child.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Have you ever felt you were being watched? If so, here is some important information. You are not being watched. You are, however, being listened to by a cabal of drug-cartel leaders and a former Boy Scout now employed by the White House. I have absolutely no idea why any of this is “important,” but there you go.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

That unpleasant feeling that there is something creepy living in your veins is spot on. A friend of yours, born under the Starsign Cancer, has given you an unwelcome present — a hot, wet case of Bilharziasis. Talk to Keith Richards immediately about a total-body blood transfusion. He loves ’em!

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

There is a line spoken by Edward Fox in the 1970 movie Performance, when he is talking to the character played by minuscule rocker Mick Jagger. “You’re a comical little geezer. You’ll look funny when you’re 50,” says Fox. He was right.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Everywhere you go, people turn and remark on your thick, flowing mane and lustrous tail-hair. Your enormous eyes, the colour of the finest goose dung— Oh, I’m sorry. This is an item from my Horoscopicologicalist Column in the next issue of Credulous Veterinarians Monthly. How embarrassing!

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

One of those noisy, glitzy Entertainment Tonight-type shows will be bustin’ down your front door this week in an effort to learn how you infected Mick Jagger with Bilharzia. The frail, tiny Jagger, now in his 70s, has been placed in an empty Kleenex box with a thimble of medicine and instructions to not act like a monkey. Brush your teeth!

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For the week of January 8–14, 2012.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your tinfoil-hatted neighbour heard you chuckling at a television program the other evening and has now decided to put on an amusing little show for you. His little comedic performance will begin with sacrificing some neighbourhood pets and progress to human amputation. Best to give him a standing ovation while you still can.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Thirty or forty grams of extremely powerful hashish will be discovered in your shirt pocket this Thursday by a police officer doing random curbside inspections. When you claim the hash is not yours — that, in fact, you’ve never seen the hash before — the ensuing laughter from the cop will give you ample time to hop it. Leave your car and run.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

As you ply your trade, remember that the tiny elves that do the actual work (using tiny hammers, saws, hand-drills, etc.) are coming to the top of their 11-year cycle. The elves are about to enter their reproductive phase and that means any human within shouting distance had best watch his butt. This means you.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Since this is the year the Earth will be completely destroyed, it is time to start putting away a little bit from every payday toward your Apocalypse Fund. Just before that wandering ghost planet smacks our globe, or the Galactic Alignment or whatever it is tears us apart, go to the bank and be smug about your paltry pile of savings.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

A professional Horoscopologist named Georgia something-or-other claims that the stars and the planets do not actually have an influence over our lives. She says the planetary stuff is just a way of explaining the complex mathematical patterns she can discern in everyone’s life. Yeah, right… Obviously, she has lost her mind. What a nut.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Mmm, just the thought of a big crab cocktail is enough to make my mouth water. Your Humble Astrologer has been dieting since the New Year. Not as a resolution, mind you, but just to join in the fun of denying myself something I enjoy. Unless my sickening sidekick, the thoroughly evil Hoffnung, has prepared it. I don’t enjoy his “snacks.”

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Fierce as a savage savannah feline, you will approach your boss this Monday with a will and determination few have known, apart from a handful of world-class leaders: Alexander, Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Hitler, Trump. In one fell swoop, you will decapitate your boss before you remember to ask for your raise. Oopsy….

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Nothing will keep you from lipping off to a powerful politician early this week when you find yourself in a supermarket lineup behind Newt Gingrich. Obviously, it feels good to unburden yourself and tell the bloated windbag just how much bitterness and hatred you feel for his slimy kind. Newt will smile and nod, then order your nose broken.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

How many shopping days till Christmas? In point of fact, it doesn’t really matter. Considering what the stars have in store for you next week, you’ll be lucky to make it to Valentine’s Day. The question remains: Why would the people of Saturn decide you were their greatest enemy?

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Nepotism is not a nice word, unlike the word Limber. Limber. Lim-ber. What a lovely, lively, lithe little word: Limber. Definitely better than that horrible Nepotism. Yuck. Limmmmber. Lllllimberrrr. Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

YHA is feeling a might peculiar just at the moment… Ugh, was it something I ate? Let’s see… I had a burger and fries about a hour ago. Big hamburger with cheese and onions and pickles and mushrooms. Mushrooms… Oh damn and blast! This is why the guy laughed and charged me an extra $10 for the mushrooms — they were Magical!

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Oh this is just great… Great! I have to give a speech tonight to the… the… uh… Hmm, never noticed the way the veins show on the backs of my hands… Oh wow, time is flowing backwards… My brain is not the boss… Don’t crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers… All hail Marx and Lennon… Shoes for industry… Shoes for the dead….

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For the week of January 1–7, 2012.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

The New Year celebrations began early at your tinfoil-topped neighbour’s home (mid-September) and they continue unabated. Best you refrain from calling the cops as your noisy bughouse neighbour has a friend on the force who will fink on you to the loony who is liable to crush your skull with his pet coconut. See what tattling will get you?

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Having been sucked through some sort of Space-Time Egress Vortex as I wandered the halls of the mighty Splutt Building, there seemed only one way to exit this weirdly backwards Universe and return to my own “normal” reality.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Georgette Lynn Dollclothes, the employee at Aaaaaaaaardvaaaark & Sons (“Let us cram you into one of our Black Holes today!”), said she could send me back to my own Universe, but it would cost me a tidy amount.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

“Anywhere up to $60 trillion in Cuban pesos,” said Georgette Lynn as she rubbed her scruffy five o’clock shadow and pawed at the stubborn cowlick that spoiled an otherwise impeccable Marie Antoinette hairdo. “But for you, I’ll make a special price. Just give me your shoes and we’ll call it even.”

Gemini

May 21–June 21

The deal made, I slipped off my authentic 1970s four-inch platforms and handed them over. Georgette Lynn looked so pleased that I hardly regretted losing the shoes that had meant so much to me when I was younger — and my mother. Mama and I had shared that pair of shoes for more than five years.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

“These are some nice high-heels,” said Georgette Lynn, a touch of awe in her voice. When I pointed out that they were not high-heels, but were in fact men’s platform shoes, I realized I had struck a raw nerve in my thin-skinned and heavily made-up transvestite transporter.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

“Ugh! I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of men’s shoes,” growled Georgette Lynn in a rough bass grumble. “I sure hope you’re wrong about these high-heels, because otherwise you’re going to spend the rest of your miserable life dodging ferocious flocks of insanely murderous lambs in our little Universe.”

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Of course, I changed my tack immediately: “No, of course they’re not men’s shoes. I just meant that a lot of men in my world like to wear women’s shoes, but they call them platforms and, uh, could you please send me back to my world now? I really just want to go home.”

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Georgette Lynn once more cast a withering glance at me, her brutal lips twisted in a feral grin. With rough movements, she strapped me into a device that looked more like a piece of farming equipment than a high-tech transit device. She then lit what appeared to be a length of igniter-cord; it sputtered and popped and sizzled like a fuse in an old cartoon.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

“This rocket will send you directly into the centre of our nearest Black Hole and from there you will… Hey, can anyone else hear that?” Georgette Lynn froze, as did the doppelganger of my disgusting assistant Hoffnung. A quiet sound, like a duck undressing or a lamb clearing its throat reached our ears above the sound of the fizzling fuse.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Suddenly a veritable wave of fleecy white lambs burst through the heavy front door of the mobile Splutt Building in this weird Alternate Universe. I heard a shout from Hoffnung to “protect the newborn” and then Georgette Lynn was drawing a huge revolver from under her heavy skirt.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Gunfire was being exchanged between the two sides as my rocket suddenly ignited and I was hurled upward into the dark, freezing void of Outer Space and then I awoke to find myself in my own bed. Could my adventure have just been a wacky dream? Or had I actually visited another Dimensional Reality? Guess we’ll never know.

—————

For the week of December 18–24, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Don’t be concerned this Wednesday when you hear the sound of a violent struggle going on next door. There is no cause for concern; it’s merely your whacko neighbour fighting to regain control of his sanity. He will lose and return to wearing his protective, reflective tinfoil hat Thursday morning.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

I don’t know if any of my faithful readers understand the predicament in which I found myself recently. Walking down a corridor here in the mighty Splutt Building, I was sucked into a powerful vortex and dumped unceremoniously in a hellish Alternate Universe. The barren, poisonous landscape was reminiscent of some L.A. neighbourhoods.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

I realized my situation shortly after I was rescued by a far more hygienic and pleasant version of my vicious and untrustworthy assistant, Hoffnung. As I lay slumped in a corner of the Splutt Building lobby — buildings in this Universe are driven like huge automobiles — everything clicked into place.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

If I wanted to return to my Universe, then it would take all the resources I could muster. Since this strange world ran counterclockwise to my native Earth, I understood instinctively that having no money would make me extremely wealthy on this planet.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

I grabbed the nearest copy of the Yellow Pages and searched for a business that specialized in returning people to their native Universe. There were hundreds of such businesses, so I chose the very first one, Aaaaaaaaardvaaaark & Sons. Motto: “Let us cram you into one of our Black Holes today!”

Cancer

June 22–July 22

I used my cell phone to call the Aaaaaaaaardvaaaarks, wondering how my phone company would bill a call from an Alternate Universe. The voice message on the end of the phone said that the business had been shut for several years and then advised me to go away. I was about to hang up when someone picked up the phone.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

“Goodbye! How can I make your day more difficult?” said a male voice. I explained my situation and it heartened me to hear the sympathetic tones coming from the fellow. I asked his name. “Georgette,” he said. “Georgette Lynn Dollclothes.”

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

“What a lovely name,” I replied, glancing at Hoffnung and noticing just how much effort he had made to look good in his bright-pink party dress. He had even trimmed the thick, curly hair on his bare arms. Obviously the male-female roles were also reversed here in this strangely backward Universe.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

“Maybe you’d like to meet for a drink sometime,” said Georgette. I thought I detected the vibrato cries of a young lamb or two. “Now that I know where you live, you’d better meet me for a drink. I can make things extremely uncomfortable for you if you don’t meet me for a drink.”

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

“Uh… well, I suppose… we could… meet for a drink,” I stammered, the convo having now devolved into a dark dialogue of dread. “But please… I just want to get home to my own Universe… Could you send me back to my Earth now and we could meet for a drink another time?”

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Georgette Lynn considered this. “No,” he replied. “If I send you back first, I’d bet I never see you again. So we’ll have to have that drink first. Then I’ll send you back to your so-called Earth… Tell me, do you have kissing on your world? Do you hug each other warmly and compliment your partner’s eyes and hair and such?”

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Certainly we do, I answered. The world will always welcome lovers, that sort of thing. “Hmm,” grunted Georgette. “That’s disgusting. Maybe I’d better just stuff you in that black hole as soon as possible. I wouldn’t want you hugging and kissing me. Ew, gross! Now stay where you are and I’ll be right over. We’re in a red-brick mixed-use block, but we’ve got plenty of horsepower under the hood.”

—————

For the week of December 11–17, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

“Open your door! Open your damned door! I only want to kill you!” Such are the statements issuing from the blow-hole of your next-door neighbour, the one who wards off mind-control beams from outer space by wearing a tinfoil hat. I would suggest not opening your door. There is a very real likelihood that he will kill you.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

As I was walking down the corridor on the second-to-top floor here in the luxurious Splutt Building (erected in 1934, 1936, 1941 and finally in 1963), I heard a sound as if someone had stepped on a very cute kitten. When I turned to look, I was sucked into a vortex of unimaginable force.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

My bones were crushed, my meat jellied, the very pith and marrow of my body was squeezed violently through some sort of Cosmic Butcher’s Grinder and I was finally spit out on a desolate waste — as far as the eye could see in every direction lay only steaming, belching cesspits of evil-smelling mire, purplish vapours rising to choke the throat.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

“What has happened?” I asked myself. “Did I fall asleep at the wheel and somehow drive to this horrible, terrible place, possibly somewhere in the greater Detroit metro region? Or could it be even worse? Have I died and been condemned to an eternity of this steaming, fetid field of torment?”

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Suddenly an exact duplicate of the mighty Splutt Building pulled up in front of me, honking its horn. I could hear what sounded like an engine and the entire structure was on gigantic wheels with rubber tires. The lobby doors were flung open and my assistant, the unwieldy and unhygienic Hoffnung was beckoning me to come inside.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

“This way, Mr. Elf!” he cried to me. “Hurry, sir! It’s not safe to be downtown at this hour!” I hurried to where he stood, holding one of the doors open so that I was able to slip into the cool marble interior of the lobby.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

“Hoffnung, my old assistant,” I said to him as I fell to my knees, merely happy to have escaped the hellish out-of-doors. “What does it mean? What has happened? Is this the long-anticipated Apocalypse? Is this the Final Curtain? Should we all sing My Way and be done with it?”

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

“But sir,” replied Hoffnung, his unibrow bunching together in consternation. “It’s just that today is Tuesday.” His forehead at such moments looks like one of those gruesome gatherings of caterpillars that occurs in some balmy locales — an enormous throbbing mass of worms and mucus and cobwebby silk.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

I stared at my long-time assistant, wondering how this day could grow any stranger. Not only was Hoffnung speaking to me in a pleasant, even polite manner, but he was dressed immaculately in what appeared to be a beautiful, shiny-pink party dress.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

“You’re lucky you didn’t run into a flock of lambs,” said Hoffnung in a voice ripe with inner meaning. “You don’t want to mess with those. No sir.” He seemed genuinely worried for my safety. I was touched, and in a good way.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

None of this added up… Hoffnung was like a new man; a new man in a very pretty dress. The world was a mass of quagmires and enormous pits filled with what looked like spicy bean dip. The sulphurous atmosphere, the lack of other human beings, the very mobility of the office towers… I was obviously in an alternate Universe. But how to get home?

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

I checked my pockets, but they were completely empty. However, if the very Rules of Nature herself had become reversed, then what I needed at the moment was no money at all. Sure enough, now I had plenty of nothing and was as wealthy as any boy had ever been on this crazy mixed-up rock. How to get home? We’ll just have to see.

—————

For the week of December 4–10, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

The sound of marching bands will issue from your tinfoil-topped neighbour’s place this Tuesday and continue — most boisterously — for the next eight months. Not one for martial music, you will quietly ask if he’d “turn it down a notch” as you pass casually. He will politely ask for $25,000 not to kill you. Talk with your banker.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

So… Angelina Jolie has decided to leave that dolt Brad Pitt and move into your bedroom. If you are a woman (and many of you are), she will hog the duvet and the bathroom. If you are a man (that includes most of the rest of you), Brad will hire six goons to examine your liver through your ear.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

I must say, that Angelina is a fine, big girl. She appears to be healthy. Gets lots of work. And what about those lips? It looks like she swallowed Mick Jagger whole and he’s trying to claw his way back up and out of her enormous cavern of a mouth.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

I believe that a person’s lips are there for a good reason: to stop the mouth-hole getting frayed at the edges. The lips are the rubber gasket on the major intake valve of the human body. It would seem that some are blessed with an extra dollop of rubber compound.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Of course, her mouth isn’t the only thing about her that is big. Am I right, guys? Yeah, we know what we’re talking about here. Her enormous ego. That, coupled with the fact she has a brain, must make living the Hollywood Dream a waking nightmare.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Imagine having to be in full body makeup for eight hours, just so you can sit in a trailer in some lonely part of the world and nobody cares that you’re pining away… so all-alone. Nobody ever even thinks of you, for that matter. Yes, you are a sad, pathetic little Horoscopologist.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Obviously I didn’t mean Angelina would be forgotten in a dusty trailer somewhere. That gal is a one-woman industry! Entire multinational corporations rise and fall on her whim of which perfume to use or whose dress will be photographed. It’s a madhouse, I tell you! A madhouse!!!

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Gentle readers, I don’t want you to think old Mr. Elf has gone soft on these Hollywood types. My opinion of movie stars and TV personalities remains the same as my views on war criminals with funny German names: they are evil, perverted monsters Hell-bent on turning the brains of the world into a Uniform Gelatinous Purchasing Matrix (UGPM).

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

A good example of the testing of the UGPM occurred recently on the so-called Black Friday, first day of the Shopping Season. One particle of the UGPM rose up from an otherwise uniform purchasing matrix and pepper-sprayed other floating particles. This resulted in Police Force Deliverers (PFDs) being sent to intervene.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

I don’t know about you, but I try to avoid the PFDs. The programmers did too good a job on them, as they seem to believe it is their right to inflict Stick-Hittage and Spray-Macing when there is rarely a genuine need for violence. Some would argue there is never a good excuse to use violence.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

But not me. I’m all for violence, at least in my entertainment. Wow, I can sit and watch twenty hours of One Life to Live or General Hospital or The Young and the Restless. I do love my stories. Can you believe Peggy-Sue has fallen for that mean Derek? Again!?!

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

So what have we learned here today? First, I think, we learned that Brangelina is a force to be reckoned with; whether a force for good or evil, we do not yet know. Second, we learned that cops can be dangerous. And third, we learned that Mr. Elf loves his soaps. There’s nothing unmanly about that, so just shut up. Just shut up!

—————

For the week of November 27–December 3, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

That wacky neighbour of yours, the one who wears the ray-deflecting tinfoil hat, is sneaking up behind you right now, croquet mallet in hand. In an ironic twist, a tinfoil hat could very well have saved your life. Ah well, live and learn. (Not literally, of course.)

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Rest assured there is little chance that the authorities will discover what you did with those remains. Try not to give yourself away by running into your neighbourhood police station and shouting, “I did it! I did it!”

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Mice, the loveable, furry little scamps we all know and loathe, will invade your sock drawer this week with promises of handfuls of trading stamps. Do not believe them! Mice are inveterate liars.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Elementary school was not the best time of your life. However, it was a far cry from what you go through now on a daily basis: the beatings, the whippings, the awful cries in the dark of night… I could tell you about how much more awful it will soon become, but I don’t want to sadden you. Good luck!

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Better than owning some prime downtown real estate, your amazing talent for making obscene piles of cash will come in handy this Friday when the Tax Department decides to audit your entire life. Don’t you hate when that happens?

Cancer

June 22–July 22

With the possible exception of certain small, invertebrate animals, there is no other form of life on this planet with your capacity for work avoidance. Isn’t Nature wonderful? Hey hey, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Every once in a while, a person just has to kick back and smell something other than his or her own feet. Why not flowers? Or perfume samples? There are plenty of nice things to smell. How about the feet of other people? I’m just suggesting you mix it up once in a while.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Only a complete and utter moron, a person who has reached the absolute nadir of existence, a perfectly perfect buffoon, would act as you do. What an accomplishment! Congratulations on being the very best at something.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Rotten old banana peels, slick and slimy and stinky, will rain down upon you during your lunch-hour midweek. This virtual thundershower of banana peels will be mitigated by finding a lucky penny in the gutter. Oh well, take what you can get and shut the hell up.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Everybody wants a piece of you this weekend — your boss, your spouse, your kids, your in-laws, just about everybody you know. My best advice: dig a large hole in the backyard or nearby park and lie dormant for the rest of the season. You’ll learn to enjoy the solitude and quiet as the dirt fills your orifices.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Considering what the stars have in line for you this week, I’d suggest you stop whatever it is you’re doing and do something completely different. If that proves impossible, then why not begin construction on a new electrical-generating dam? Everyone enjoys cheap and plentiful electricity.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

And so we come to the end of another Horoscopicological column, an even dozen Mantological Utterances and Preternatural Predictions of the near and far future. While some have questioned my veracity, still others have queried my sanity. I can only say this: Look out behind you! A guy with a funny metal hat is swinging a mallet in your direction!

—————

For the week of November 20–26, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Those odd scraping sounds indistinctly heard through your shared wall are Mr. Tinfoil Hat digging south. He has hopes of hitting China before another decade has passed. He believes he can help with the continuation of the Great Wall, at least as far as the cab stand in downtown Beijing.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Huge crowds of ultra-fat women, their bodies greased and dripping with rancid Crisco, will assail you Tuesday while you shop for food. Best to fast for the next couple of weeks; give the ladies a chance to calm down and wash up.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

There is no good reason for what you refer to blithely as “those vicious, nasty pranks” that you so enjoy pulling on loved ones. Is your wish to alienate completely all those who care for you? If so, congratulations! It’s working.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

How many times must you be told? There is no such things as The Law of Convenience. Just because someone is smaller than you is no reason to simply push them out of your way and into a commercial-sized vat of custard.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Lots of people enjoy their lives, having a bit of fun without doing serious damage to others. Why can you not be more like them? This would deflect much of the anger everyone feels when you are near and will drop the number of attacks on your person by those carrying marlin spikes and ball peen hammers.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Nothing could be further from your intentions these days than filing your teeth into hideously sharp little points and attacking neighbourhood dogs in their backyards. But now that the idea has been put out there, it is fun to consider, isn’t it? Man, those dogs wouldn’t stand a chance!

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Never let it be said you are slow on the uptake. But it seems to me that you are letting yourself down rather seriously by trying to make and bake “genuine” mudpies. No one wants to buy them when they can make their own.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

“It takes a heap o’ lovin’ to make a house a home…” Yes, it’s down-home country-style wisdom like this that has made the ghastly reputation of all those friendly, inbred folks living in the Ozark Mountains. “Put down that banjo, Eugene! Help me hide this body!” That’s another of their sayings.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Little bits of hard, chitonous shell — actually boll weevil carapaces — will be found wedged between your premolars this Thursday. When the dentist asks how this gritty residue of pesky insects got between your teeth, just play dumb. Just play dumb.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Nobody ever gave you a guarantee that life would be easy. However, it is also true that nobody warned you life was going to be this Living Hell. So what is your solution? What can you do in this terrible circumstance? Sue the pants off God. That’ll learn Him.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Just because the speedometer in your car says the vehicle’s top speed is something over 120 mph, that’s no reason to drive at that pace when you go to the corner store for smokes and a new beach towel. Let’s be careful out there.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Sunday afternoon, as you drowse sleepily following a satisfying lunch, you will hear odd scraping sounds. No, it’s not the Tinfoil-Hatted neighbour of your Aquarian friend trying to get in. Rather, it’s the sound of a naked mole rat trying to escape your lower intestinal tract. What is he doing in there?

—————

For the week of November 13–19, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your tinfoil-hatted neighbour has decided you are the one directing the satellite rays toward his oversized cranium. He believes that you hide the secret codes to satellite control in your shoes. Best to wear slip-ons this week for easy access.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Something very odd happened Monday night. I was working late in the office when I heard some menacing sounds coming from the other side of my door. Putting away my yarrow stalks and antique brass coins (with which I make my Horoscopocological Utterances and Prognostications), I made my way to the door, as silently as a mouse.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Unfortunately, whoever was out in the hallway must have heard my rodential squeaks or smelled the cheese on my breath (Brie, I believe), because suddenly there was the sound of several heavy, shambling footfalls. They knew I was here!

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Needless to say, I was terrified. As a Professional Astrologer, I have many enemies. (Ed. note: See last week’s column regarding Phrenologists for just one example.) I didn’t know if the intruders were going to try to steal my brass coins or simply beat the road-tar out of me. And I didn’t want to find out.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

My mind writhed in the grip of abject terror and the room swam about me. Oh no, I thought, I was about to be murdered and the building’s main water-pipe has broken once again! Some days you just can’t win….

Cancer

June 22–July 22

My heart in my mouth and my hand on my crotch, I felt my very life was going to end at any moment. I could feel my tongue swelling, but there wasn’t room — my heart was taking up too much space. My teeth chattered and I felt extremely nauseous.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

As quietly as I could, I went to the office wastebasket and tried to hide inside of it. My plan — desperate though it might have been — was to pass for some errant trash if the killers actually gained access to my office.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

When the hoods peered down into the garbage receptacle, I planned to look up at them and say, “What are you looking at? I’m just some orange rinds and used copier paper. What’s the big deal?”

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

But I couldn’t quite fit into the wastebasket. The situation seemed hopeless. I was lost. I felt my very life’s blood draining away, the maniacs’ knives stabbing into my sinking flesh again and again, my lovely face hacked and slashed by brutal, inhuman thugs….

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

And then it came to me. As a bolt of lightning, an epiphany, I saw a way out of this ghastly situation. Quickly, I moved to my desk and began searching through the numerous drawers. (I have an old typesetters desk and it contains more than 6,000 separate drawers.)

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Finally, tucked away beneath some glossy Scandinavian magazines (useful for figure study), was my only hope of salvation. It was a cleaning lady’s uniform. I savagely, ruthlessly tore off my own clothes and donned the starched, gray outfit.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

I heard a key in the door’s lock… it creaked open… I held my breath… And then, standing in front of me, was a most hideous sight… Hardly daring to look, I forced open my eyes and beheld before me… the cleaning lady. We stared at each other for several long moment, then we began to clean the office.

—————

For the week of November 6–12, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

That psycho who lives next door — the one wearing the cosmic-ray-deflecting tinfoil hat — has received word that you are planning to steal all his shoes. This is making the fellow somewhat overwrought and his negative energies will be discharged in your direction. Time to drag the ol’ false moustache-and-beard combo out of hiding.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

My personal assistant and bodyguard, the horrible Hoffnung, informs me that an offer was made to him over the last weekend. Specifically, it seems a number of unfriendly Phrenologists want to see me out of the business of the Supernatural. In fact, they might want to bump me off. Get it?!?

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

I don’t know why these Phrenologists are upset with me. I’ve never done anything to them. Not once have I pointed out that their belief that feeling the bumps on a subject’s head — in order to learn about the past, present and future of the subject — is a load of old cobbler’s. Dare I say it? The Phrenological Arts are a fraud!

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

I mean, really… Have you heard anything sillier than believing the future is written on the bumps and depressions and lumps of somebody’s cranial crust? By the flaming Sword of Orion, I have never heard the like.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

You might as well be a Mormon as a Phrenologist. Both are members of groups that take their ridiculous notions to the extreme. I understand that there is at least one member of the Mormon Cult trying to influence U.S. politics at the very highest level.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

A person would have to be as daft as the Queen of the Idiots herself (this week that would be Sarah Palin, though Michelle Bachmann continues a close second) to believe either the Mormon story of Angels delivering gold plates from on high or that the lumps on a person’s skull actually have significance.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

You know who had a lot of faith in the rubbish that is Phrenological Science? I can tell you: Adolf “Wolfie” Hitler. Der Führer was a huge believer in head-reading and he could often be found, very late at night, furtively running his fingertips over the sleeping skulls of the other top Nazi officials.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

In his own words, Hitler said that “[Hermann] Goering has a purely criminal tendency based on the lump low-down at the base of his skull.” Of SS Chief Heinrich Himmler, Wolfie said: “My faithful Heinrich will suffer a loss of kidney function before he is 70 years old. I can tell because he has eczema behind his right ear.”

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

I know how silly the words of the defeated and ridiculous third-rate Third Reich dictator sound. Yet he has followers to this day. Of course, any Phrenologist-Nazis active today keep their activities on the QT because no one wants to be associated with the head-lump-reading shtick.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Most modern Nazis (including neo-Nazis, proto-Nazis, post-consumer-Nazis and still-living-at-home-with-their-parents-Nazis) pretend that Phrenology is not something in which they put great store. But the truth cannot be hidden beneath the soft felt cap of deception.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Would it surprise you to learn that Phrenology is not the only crazy notion that the Nazis and their followers continue to revere? It’s true. They also believe that the German dish “liver dumplings” should be made a part of every meal on pain of death. In other words, eat your liver dumplings or the jig is up.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Well, this is one club I cannot continue to support. I am officially resigning my position as Chief Astrologer to the local cadre of the Nazi Party-planning Committee. Until the Nazis stop believing in such stupidities as Phrenology, liver dumplings and Mormonism, I shall have no part of their activities.

—————

For the week of October 30–November 5, 2011.

_______

Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Just in time for Hallowe’en, your tinfoil-topped neighbour was struck on the head yesterday by a carefully dropped flowerpot and the subsequent concussion has rendered him meek as a new-born kitten. Now is the time to retrieve some personal items he’s “borrowed” from you: your toaster, your amateur chiropody tools, your spouse.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

I am just busting to tell someone my good news and it might as well be you, my Faithful Reader and True Believer! You see, many months ago I met a young lady with the delightfully euphonious name of Hortensia Arbuthnot Crabwort and it was her heart that I most desperately wanted to win.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Hortensia is a simple soul. She prefers a quiet walk along a country lane to sitting in a loud discothéque. She would rather read a nice little volume of poetry than attend a cage-fighting match. She’d rather improve her mind and fill her heart than spend an evening drinking cheap suds and hooting at peelers.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Because Hortensia is a lady. She is a lovely, gentle person who would rather give than receive. But when I asked her to be mine own, she was forced to say no. I begged her to reconsider; she was adamant. “The man I marry must have accomplished something wonderful,” she lisped through her startlingly thick Glaswegian accent.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

I admit she had to repeat herself several times before I began to comprehend what she was saying. I always have to ask poor Hortensia to repeat herself numerous times. The thick Scots accent, coupled with a wet and windy lisp that soaks anyone standing directly in front of the lovely lass, is beautiful but difficult for me to grasp first time ’round.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

“You want me to jump over the falls?” I asked, searching for more clues. She shook her head. “Well, I definitely heard the word falls… Didn’t I?” She reiterated her notion of the ideal man once again and I understood. The task before me was no small potatoes.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

“Hortensia,” I pledged as I dropped to one knee and took her calloused hand in my own, “I promise you that I shall make you proud. I shall do something wonderful, you have my word on that.” She giggled and snorted in pleasure, her long, rather equine face otherwise impassive as she chewed on an apple.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

So now I am on the horns of a dilemma. I am not a brave man, nor am I a man of action. I am a Horoscopologist and Professional Augurer, unused to adventure in my desk-bound life. And none of the piddling day-jobs I have taken over the years simply to keep body and soul together could be considered “wonderful.” What was I to do?

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Oh, what tragedy that I should ever have fallen for a woman so extraordinary as Hortensia Arbuthnot Crabwort! I racked my brain, desperate to win her heart and other vital organs, but I could think of nothing I might easily do to convince her of my true and ardent love.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Knowing I had to write this week’s Horoscopocological column, I begged her to forgive my absence and came here to my offices in the palatial Splutt Building. Yet as I sat here, pen in hand, my mind refused to be moved from the problem of how to win my own, my darling Hortensia.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

In a conscious effort to clear my mind, I began going through my backlog of older columns. Suddenly I realized that this very column, the same one you — Dear Believer! — are reading right now, is the 50th Horrorscope I have produced for this rather peculiar and sinister website!

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

I practically ran back to my Hortensia with this amazing news. “It’s the Golden Anniversary of my Zodiacal Maunderings!” I informed her excitedly. Her reply, as unexpected as a snowstorm in August, was a blasé “Yeah… so?” I fled from her in emotional turmoil, my fingers dashing both my own tears and her sprayed saliva from my face. Oh, cruel, cruel Love!

—————

For the week of October 23–29, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your tinfoil-hatted neighbour has been bellowing like a wounded bull for the past week. While his shouting has mostly been gibberish, it sounds as if he’s particularly angry about someone possibly named Ron Levis who “spends his stinkin’ time in horrible Los Angeles.” Does this make sense to anyone out there?

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Switching from one bank to another might give you some temporary relief, but ultimately your athlete’s foot will return with a swift and cruel vengeance — no matter how much nicer the tellers are at your new branch.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Lightly coated head to toe in gooey road tar and dusted with an inch-thick coating of chicken feathers, your best friend will point the finger of accusation at you this Wednesday. And what, pray tell, is the crime of which you are accused? Your friend says you became wilfully maudlin while watching Old Yeller. Yow!

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

That voice so clear inside your own brain is on a sure-fire countdown to madness as you hear the numbers falling slowly from 1,000 to zero. No one on the planet can tell what will happen when your inside voice hits bottom, but I’d bet you don’t celebrate with a peanut butter sandwich.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

My disgusting assistant (the foul-smelling Hoffnung) has just delivered a note. It reads: “We know where you live. We know what you have done. We will retaliate. We will make you sorry. We will strike soon.” Goodness! Whatever can this mean?

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Of course, the evil Hoffnung handed me the note — which was made up of individual letters cut from a pocket-sized Bible and glued to a sheet of paper with what appears to be bodily fluids — and stood snickering as I perused its contents. Nothing gives the warped creature more pleasure than seeing me twist in the wind.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

I sat for a time at my desk, lost in thought. This gave Hoffnung plenty of opportunity to drool disgustingly as he cackled on about how I “was gonna get what was a long time coming” or something like that. I dismissed him, but he refused to leave.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Perhaps this was a matter for the local constabulary, I pondered. Hoffnung by now was polishing the brass fixtures that adorn my inner sanctum, using what appeared to be a chamois made from tattooed human skin. I shuddered when I saw this but did not have the nerve to ask him where he might have found such an obscene cleaning aid.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

He ran from the office at one point, clutching his groin and moaning about how he wished he had a toilet at home, and I took the opportunity to look at Hoffnung’s own pocket-sized Bible. Sure enough, as I’d suspected, the little book had been skilfully mutilated using what appeared to be children’s safety scissors.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

When Hoffnung returned, still clutching his groin, I asked him flat out if he was the one who had sent me the threatening note. He grimaced for a moment before replying. I could almost hear the rusted gears attempting to turn in his ropey and malformed brain.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

“Why?” he demanded in a voice full of damaged hurt and torment. “Why would I make up a note like that? Don’t you think you have enemies out there? You don’t know what people say about you behind your back. You just don’t know how much you are hated. You have no idea how much you are despised.”

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

There was a moment’s pause as I took in what he had said. Then he smiled and my heart melted, as it always does. I cannot stay angry with Hoffnung, even if he is a vicious mother. “You don’t mean it,” I whispered. He nodded slowly and then released his groin. It was time for the peanut butter sandwiches.

—————

For the week of October 16–22, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

That guy who lives next door and wears the tinfoil hat (to avoid cosmic rays and so on) has decided you are the cause of all those cosmic rays (and so on). He has decided to remove something he calls your “built-in radioactive isomizer” with a rusty screwdriver and a disposable lighter. Time to visit your family.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

A fellow named Michael Vick or Sick is trying to get in touch with you about borrowing your family dog. He’ll be coming by Tuesday to pick up the pooch, so be sure to have good ol’ Fido’s traveling papers in order. What adventures your dog will have!

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Your next birthday will be particularly significant as this is the day on which you will officially become an adult in the eyes of the Mormon Church (otherwise known as The Church of Later-Day Saints because they were always arriving past their appointments).

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Smelling as if you’d just rolled in a pit containing the long-dead remains of an unnamed village near Smolensk, you will find your shins pulsing in a painful way that is, in fact, Morse Code. Transcribe the dots and dashes of pain to discover a delightful message from your Uncle Sergei.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

A midweek visit to a facility that contains an ultra-powerful electron magnet will cause all your fillings to jettison your lower jaw with such force you will be driven knee-deep into the concrete floor of the facility. Your feet, ankles and tendons may be a mess, but you’ve learned a valuable lesson.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Nobody ever said that things were going to be easy. Come to think of it, people have been telling you all your life that things were going to be difficult. So stop complaining and just get on with suffering through the next several decades of nagging coughs and elbow complaints.

 

 

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

A stinging rebuke is the last thing you’ll need after that enormous dumptruck full of old, rusty coils of barbed wire and filthy smashed beer bottles is poured over you Friday morning. But you insist on jaywalking, you addlepated knot-head.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Visit your local pharmacy and demand that they increase your prescription by a factor of ten. When they ask you for your personal information, refuse to cooperate and run up and down each aisle of the store shouting at the top of your lungs. Why? Because this will give me a good laugh.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Your boss is hopping mad. By that, I mean he is psychologically damaged and thinks that the only way to get past his personal problems is to hop around the office when he believes no one is watching. Keep your eyes on him so you can explain this behaviour to the forensic examiner.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

The bottom drawer of an old chest of drawers or armoire that once belonged to a distant cousin will reveal a vast trove of treasure. Among the finds: a goose-quill pen that once belonged to Morgan Freeman, a pot of udder salve, a handful of questionable doubloons and a quart of thrice-homogenized Swiss fat.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Never in your wildest dreams did you consider the possibility that this would be the final week of your life! The End Is Near! And when I say “the end,” I mean “your end.” Time to scribble out a last will & testament and call your favourite people because an old Soviet satellite is about to crash into your— but wait… Why spoil the surprise?

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Sherlock Holmes would be unable to find a pattern in the series of miscommunications and false starts that is your life. It’s time to stand up on your back legs and bleat after me: “I shall never eat eggs again! I shall never eat eggs again!” You should also make sure you don’t leave your car lights on again.

—————

For the week of October 9–15, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your tinfoil-hatted neighbour has decided that you may be a distant relation on his step-father’s side. Wednesday, when he pins you to the elevator wall and demands what you know about it, tell him that you are moderately fond of sporting events and that Howard Cosell is, in fact, still acting head of the Illuminati Tribunal.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Almost none of the stuff you learned in school is going to do you much good this Saturday as a monstrously large, full-tusked razorback hog barrels down the middle of your supermarket aisle. Here’s my advice: feint left, feint right, then clamber up the nearest set of shelves like a bloodied monkey.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Brimming with pride, your significant other will present you with a “special dinner” this Tuesday evening. The wonderful aroma that permeates the air will sharpen your appetite and make you desperate to tuck in. Unfortunately, the can of Spam has burned and stuck to the bottom of the pot. Go in the backyard and chew turf.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

The recent meteor shower was an awesome sight to witness. And even more remarkable are the gigantic, man-eating plants that — immediately following the meteor shower —now swarm the more beautifully landscaped parts of the city. Ah… here’s a news report on the local Fox station… Let’s listen….

Gemini

May 21–June 21

“The enormous plants seem to have developed some form of locomotion, which is not to say they are using trains. What I mean is that the plants themselves are able to move around under their own steam. Which is not to say they are steam-powered. That’s not what I meant at all.”

Cancer

June 22–July 22

We’ll go back to the Fox News reportage on the flesh-eating plants that have begun to reproduce at a rate that can mean only one thing: the plants are budding, reproducing asexually. This creates exact duplicates of the parent plant; the offspring are clones and there is a good chance they share a common — and undoubtedly evil — mind with the parent.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

These thoughts passing between mother and daughter plants would, I assume, be rather mundane. After all, what could plants say to each other that would be of the least interest to a warm-blooded mammal? In fact, no animal with a backbone would be interested in what some shrubs are gossiping about.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

The dude on Fox News is looking pretty excited. Let me turn up the sound… “Yes, they are rhododendrons, no doubt about it. They have large globular clusters of flowers of different hues — except the mother and daughter plants; they are remarkably similar — so this could give us the advantage over them.”

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

“How so, Professor Feier? What do you mean?” “Please, there is a very good chance that we won’t get out of these studios alive. I saw at least eight potted rhodies surrounding the parking lot. We shall see the best and the worst of each other very soon. Professor is too formal. If we are to die together, you must call me Dixon.”

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

“Well, thank you, uh…Dixon… Getting back to my question, Professor—” No, switch off the TV. There are no answers to be found here, on this TV station, not on Fox. No, Fox News is crap, full of loudmouths and yahoos, lunatics who just shout the first thing that pops into their tiny minds.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

I saw what I had to do. I drove as quickly as I could to a local garden supply store and stocked up on young rhododendron plants. I shoved flat after flat of plants into the back of my surprisingly spacious 1978 Honda Civic. I moved as quickly as I could. There was not a single minute to waste.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Finally I arrived at my ultimate destination: the local TV station for the Fox News affiliate. I dared not imagine what foul lies were being written and rehearsed in those foetid halls and miasmic offices. I merely planted those dozens and dozens of rhododendrons as lovingly as I could. As I left, I leaned close and whispered to the nearest little plant: “Patience!” We would all need it.

—————

For the week of October 2–8, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your neighbour has been doing some fine-tuning on his tinfoil helmet and now believes he can receive transmissions directly from the Andromeda Galaxy. He is, however, still having trouble discerning individual voices from the overall jabber of 900 trillion intelligent Andromedan turtle-people. And it is making him… mad….

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Thirty or forty minutes into your dental cleaning, you will notice that your oral hygienist has lizard skin covering all of her body. You can discern the edge of the rubber mask around the face and that one contact lens has been lost, revealing a bright-green, slitted eye. Don’t give away the game; rinse & spit, rinse & spit.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Discovering that your homeys have been dissing you can make a fellow’s blood boil. It is at times such as these that a man might want to “pop a cap” in some other fellow’s backside. Not to worry. Simply close your eyes, smile inwardly and go to your happy place. Bye-bye blues!

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

This Tuesday, some sort of uniformed lunatic will come hurtling at you in a 1944 jeep (the vehicle complete with original tires, rims and headlights). This valuable field automobile was stolen by the nutjob in the uniform (one of Ike Eisenhower’s old dress ones) from a touring version of the United States of America Military Mementos on Parade, coming soon to a bivouac near you.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Returning home after a quick trip to the local foodatorium, you will notice the faint odour of damp sweaters. Fearing that your grandmother has been walled up yet again, you discover in the back of your closet an entire herd of sheep. But are they normal sheep or are they crazed, blood-thirsty devil-sheep? No… just normal.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Staring at your keyboard will not get that work done any faster. In fact, staring at your keyboard is taking you away from getting done that work that must be done. There is nothing else for it! You must throw away the distracting keyboard and just get on with your work. Enuf said!

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

A huge, viscous mass of jelly will pursue you down the street Friday. The jelly, a dull pink colour vaguely reminiscent of all those huge jellies portrayed in movies of the ’50s and ’60s, destroys all in its path. Alas, you are not Steve McQueen. You are not even Jim McQueen. Whoever he is.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Moving as if it had Slinkies instead of four legs, an unutterably strange creature will ask you out for afternoon tea this week. While it may be the most horribly monstrous thing you have ever seen in your life, the fact it has a nice English accent will move you to accept. Remember to extend your pinky.

Llibra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

The pair of llamas you bought from an itinerant Andean llama salesman will be delivered this Monday, between noon and 4 p.m. Have plenty of high-altitude llama munchies on hand or the llamas will eat the contents of your sofa. Not only that, but the llamas will begin a series of disgusting spitting sessions in your bedroom. ¡Ay caramba!

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Referring to you as a “Cretinous mesomorph,” a muscular eight-year-old will humiliate you in front of your spouse this Wednesday unless you take the bull by the tail and face the situation: you let children walk all over you. There is little need to fear an eight-year-old, even if she is a tad peeved.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Ah, to be a sea-turtle and swim gracefully through the seven seas of the world! Imagine how lovely that must feel, one’s huge, heavy shell weightless in the salty water… Just so one doesn’t get entangled in a driftnet. That wouldn’t be fun at all, at all. And avoid tureens!

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Things are not what they seem. Things are, rather, neither the thing that they seem, nor the seeming things that they are or purport to be. Understand that keeping at least one oar in the chilly waters of reality means really seeing what things seem to be or at least to see what things seem to seem to be, see?

—————

For the week of September 25–October 1, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your tinfoil-hatted neighbour has put out a contract on your life. Luckily for you, he made the contract not with some organized crime outfit, but with a group of cats that hangs in your back alley. You have little to fear from the feline hit-squad — unless you’re allergic.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

This is not a good week for you to go swimming. If you must do some public bathing, make sure a stout rope connects you to something anchored securely to the ground, otherwise you will be sucked downwards to a watery doom in a huge whirlpool. And yes, this could occur even in a children’s wading pool. Stay high & dry!

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

An asteroid with your name on it hurtles toward our hapless planet. Moving 18 times faster than a bullet from a .365 Magnum, this refrigerator-sized chunk of stone will impact your body about 3:14 p.m. Tuesday. Miraculously, you will be the only one killed, though many witnesses will need to get their clothes drycleaned.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Hard as it is to believe, even you have enemies. The really bad news is that all your enemies have had a sinister meeting and are now determined to bring you down, systematically and methodically. You will likely be unaware of their pernicious actions, till one day — too late — it will all become clear.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

With the élan of an experienced frog fisherman, a large bug-eyed monster will tear your legs off sometime Friday evening. Your natural skepticism notwithstanding, this big green creature of unknown origin will make itself known to you over dinner and drinks. When it insists on paying for your meal, accept gladly.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Something absolutely awful is going to happen to you, but I cannot quite define what it is I’m seeing. It looks like an all-encompassing blanket of white; it’s cold and moving with a deafening roar…. Oh, of course! How silly of me! Early in the week you will be hopelessly buried alive under 50 metres of snow.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Well, here’s a coincidence for you! I think you’ll find this very amusing. You were born in the high, hot days of summer — making you a Leo — and this weekend you will be savagely mauled and devoured by a huge lion, recently escaped from a traveling Las Vegas spectacular. Ha ha, it’s so ironic, it’s really funny!

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Thursday will see a low-flying twin-engine mail plane dip even lower than normal just as you round a downtown corner. The propellers will instantly grind away most of the right side of your body. Though you retain consciousness for but the briefest of moments, notice how cool the autumn air feels on your bare innards.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Laughing hysterically, your doctor will stumble into the examination room in which you sit, somewhat dejected, in your dirty underpants. He will tell you all about “this loser” who has a horrible terminal disease, as the doc continues to laugh uproariously. He will then notice his fatal mistake and apologize, though he continues to snicker occasionally.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

A poison dart from a South American native blowgun (or sanwapawapatrog) that hits you squarely in your right buttock will fell you in a Denny’s restaurant early in the week. Watch your head as you collapse to the floor; that can sting!

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

What are the odds that a serial killer would focus on you? There is, after all, nothing interesting or cool about you. You are a drab, dull, boring, extremely unexciting person. There is absolutely nothing about you that makes you stand out from the billions of other dullard sheep. What an undiscerning serial killer! But that’s typical of you, I guess.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

If you must travel through a wooded area this Tuesday, stay on the main path. If you must stray off the main path, don’t leave the marked trail. If you must leave the marked trail, kneel for a moment and pray that the Big Magnet takes pity on you and that the evil living trees pull you to shreds quickly, rather than slowly. (Though slowly is their style.)

—————

For the week of September 18–24, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your loony neighbour, Mr. Tinfoil-Top, has managed to decode some of the signals being sent into his brain from space-based satellite systems. The message reads: “Make sure your neighbour is securely tied and then forced to abacus dogfood Allison barnacle. Baby baby baby, monkey-bum touché.” Luckily, this is as far as he’s got.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

When driving this week, avoid picking up hitchhikers. More specifically, avoid picking up hitchers dressed in homemade tweed and buckskin leggings, carrying blunderbuss rifles and with a curious visage. That way lies madness….

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Nothing less than the total and utter extinction of humankind can possibly save the last of the wild tigers. It is up to us — those few humans who really value those few surviving greatest of all cats — to wipe out the entire human race and thus secure a place for tigers unmolested forever. Let’s meet Tuesday night to figure out how we kill all the people.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Abraham Lincoln, arguably the greatest golfer who never played the game, is believed to have been a devout Rosicrucian, years before that religion began advertising in the back of Popular Mechanics. Why did he embrace this belief system? Because he was the president, damn it!

Gemini

May 21–June 21

This Sunday, you can rest easy as 14,000 people claiming to be your cousins will descend upon your place of residence and move the entire structure a metre to the right. While this could cause problems for others in the building, you will sleep more soundly knowing that your bed is now directly above the centre of the Earth.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Little Amazonian fish called candiru will swim up your urine-stream midweek and make a comfy home inside your urethra. The barbed hooks and spines of the candiru will, no doubt, feel quite uncomfortable for the first few decades, but you’ll get used to it. Probably.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

While you’ve always enjoyed a hot cup of steamy, milky, sweet coffee, try to avoid that third cup on Monday morning. Some old-fashioned rat poison has gone missing from your co-worker’s garage and his “second personality” may be doing something underhanded to you and the others at work. Smile as you dump out the pot.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Almost nothing is known about the outer reaches of our own homey Solar System. We’re pretty sure that the Oort Cloud is the final barrier protecting our Sun’s family, but beyond that — who knows? I think that is where The Great Dragon of Mosheptaputt dwells, but that’s just me.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Speaking of the Sun, we’ve been having a very dank, dark, rainy week of weather here in my part of the world. Just now the sunlight is streaming down in a most watery way, but there is no need to panic. Eventually the Sun will go out and we’ll all get to sleep a little later each morning.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Did you know that this week you will be asked to carry the weight of an entire nation’s economic system on your back? It’s true. While the moment of truth could arrive at any moment, Thursday seems the most propitious day. Expect a collect call from a guy who says he’s the President’s top man in the field and now the position is yours.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Ten years ago, it was still possible for you to call yourself a young man or woman. (It is unlikely you called yourself both.) But time has ravaged you the way it ravages all things and today you are a broken-down shell of a human, a sick joke of the Galaxy by way of a cruel and arbitrary Supreme Being. A good week for giving the ol’ boots a spit shine!

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Though you are not a complainer, this is the fifth time in a row that your best friend has been caught in flagrante with your significant other. If your pal refuses to stop sexing up your spouse, tell them they will get no more desserts when they visit. And they will no longer be allowed to “help themselves” to your store of unguents and creams.

—————

For the week of September 11–17, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Speaking of crazies, your tin-topped neighbour found an old vial of pure LSD-25 hidden away in the back of his closet and is now tripping out of his tiny mind. Don’t answer the door when he comes asking if he might please skin you alive.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Without wanting to sound like a pervert, I’d just like to say that there are some very attractive young women in movies these days. Why, some of them are so pretty that it just about breaks my heart knowing I can never get closer to them than the far side of their bathroom window.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

I have been trying to find the time in my busy schedule to turn off my mind, relax and float downstream. Alas and alack, in this industry it’s Horoscopologist Eat Prognosticator; I simply cannot find the time to take it easy. However, I have been watching a few old fave-rave movies.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Specifically, I’ve been watching Stanley Kubrick’s movies. That Barry Lyndon is one of the prettiest movies ever made. And even though Ryan O’Neal stars as the titular character, the cast is strong. Perhaps the generally dislikable O’Neal was a logical choice to play an antihero with whom we only occasionally sympathize.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Of course, Kubrick’s version of the great short novel A Clockwork Orange is a perennial favourite. The best thing Malcolm McDowell ever did. Curious thing about the actor McDowell: he seemed to change overnight from a young-looking, almost pretty boy to a generally shady middle-aged dude. Perhaps he had plastic surgery to age himself.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

A lot of people don’t realize that there was a significant chunk of the novel missing from the early Penguin edition of A Clockwork Orange, the version Kubrick used to fashion his screenplay. I’m not talking about the final chapters of the novel as written, either. I mean Kubrick’s copy had been half-eaten by an unruly Alsatian named Sir Barksley.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

I very much enjoy Full Metal Jacket, that split-personality look at the Vietnam War. The bootcamp scenes are vicious, leading to a mid-movie climax that is arguably more satisfying — and disturbing — than the end-of-movie climax.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Something I just realized about Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket: the reason that there is a feeling of unreality and peculiar paranoia in the movie is that I believe all those soldiers are stoned out of their gourds. It’s not a new idea: Platoon & Apocalypse Now both have scenes featuring psychedelics.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Of course, that may just be me. I see the influence of marijuana everywhere around me in the world today. Do you have any idea how much more entertaining those crappy cartoon shows are when you’re baked? Has anyone else ever noticed this?

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

The treacly Artificial Intelligence, about a robot boy who longs to be a human, was a project over which Kubrick sweated for many years. However, he eventually contacted Steven Spielberg and handed him the project. The result was disappointing and a bit dull, but forces us to consider what a truly great filmmaker might have done with this sci-fi take on Pinocchio.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

So the point of this week’s column was to let you all know that your bestest pal in The Known Universe (me, Horoscopologist Supreme Mr. Mark Elf) is resting comfortably and is now losing less blood than they are putting into me. It’s a long process, stopping my bleeding, but seepage is an ongoing issue when skull material has been shattered to a sand-like consistency.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

I just hope I don’t ruin these lovely, crisp hospital pillowcases with my oozing brains. Whoa… feeling kinda… funny… Think it’s time for another nap… I’ll just roll over and— Oh damn! I’m slipping off the bed head-first and—— (Editor’s note: Mr. Elf will possibly return for his next column.)

—————

For the week of September 4–10, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Huzzah! You are about to enjoy an entire week away from that lunatic next door who wears a tinfoil hat to deflect the satellite mind-reading beams. However, being accused of murder, extortion, larceny and the mutilation of seabirds is not the best part of the deal. Ask — nay, beg — for solitary confinement.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

With summer (in the northern hemisphere) now drawing to a close, Tuesday looks like a fine time to get down to your nearest beach and enjoy the balmy breezes and still-warm sunshine. Leave the beach area by noon, however, or you will be attacked by large white birds plummeting from the heavens.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Sure, this might seem a good time to invest in the stock market, what with confidence shaky and prices in the gutter, but avoid any company whose symbol is GNT or GAN.ET. That is a tip to the wise, guy.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

What begins as an amusing discussion about seagulls and related creatures will descend into the vilest of mudslinging and vicious vituperation between you and your closest chum this Friday. Your argument will escalate until shots are exchanged. Don’t worry! Yours will be but a flesh wound.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Time to be kind and unwind. And who better to relax with than your own mother? Drop by the old biddy’s home and enjoy a hot, steaming bowl of her famous Gannet Chowder. You know she’d appreciate it, even if the gannet doesn’t.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Here’s an interesting statistic: Of all seabird-related deaths in Western Europe last year, heading the nationality list are the Portuguese, followed closely by Latvians, Lithuanians and those from the Prague region (surprising for an inland city). If you must visit Portugal or the others, wear armour strong enough to deflect a beak traveling 90 kph.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

The country in Western Europe in which one is safest from seabird attack is Hungary. Why this should be so is anyone’s guess. My own guess is that the Magyars, over many centuries, have eaten so many of the evil flying death machines that they have thinned out the flock, so to speak. Or perhaps Hungarians just taste funny.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

I knew a Hungarian girl once. She was quite the stunner. Of course, it was impossible to understand her with all the gutteral moans and glottal stops, but that may have been because she was born without a lower jaw. Doctors in Budapest had rigged a sort of wooden ventriloquist dummy’s lower jaw for her to use.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Yes, the wooden puppet jaw kept her alive, but made speech a very arduous and splintery affair. She was constantly pulling at her upper lip with a pair of needle-nosed pliers, trying to extricate the long, sharp slivers she received from the wooden jaw.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

If only the Hungarian doctors had kept up with the latest in sandpapering technology! Ah, what a different life that poor woman might have had… Perhaps we could have been happy together. Today, I can only imagine the pair of us, newly married, going for a honeymoon to the ocean.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

The beautiful waves crashing over the piles of driftwood and gently rounded boulders, the sound of the surf lulling us to sleep each evening after we had made sweet, sweet love once more… Ah, life can be so good when we are truly in love, can it not?

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

And then, on the last day of our bitter honeymoon, on a leisurely paddle through the salt-spray, a gigantic gannet comes screaming down, skewering my Hungarian lady-love, darling Audrey, right through the carotid artery. There was nothing I could do but toss her into the ocean, go back to our room and burn all evidence that we had ever been together. The police suspect nothing….

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For the week of August 28–September 3, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Mr. Frootloop next door, the one who wears the tinfoil hat to block the mind-rays from outer space, has left you a little present in your mailbox. Be wary as you open the package. Though it’s nearly dead, the wolverine still has some kick left in it.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

North of your present location, a flotilla of alien spacecraft are gathering and will make a blitzkrieg attack on your whereabouts either Tuesday or Wednesday morning. Fill your pockets with bricks so you’ll be harder to beam up to their hungry, hungry mothership.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Nobody is interested in the boring details of your absolutely unfascinating life. Stop going up to total strangers and telling them all about yourself. They don’t care. (This might sound harsh, but Mr. Elf was up very late last night and has a headache.)

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Seriously. No one is listening. All you do is bother people with your stupid stories about events in your dull dullard’s existence and when they politely try to leave, you refuse to let them go. Instead, you go into yet more detail about what you wrongly think is your interesting existence.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

It’s not as if you haven’t done one or two things that merit attention. There was the incident with the bear that one time. And what about those “mystery tattoos” that just appeared on your backside one Monday morning? That’s pretty darn mysterious.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

I guess the problem is that you don’t know how to tell a good story. You invariably skip ahead to the punchline, tell everyone the best part of the tale, and then — after the joke has been told, the story completed, the laugh won — you begin at the beginning and it is painful.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

The only thing more painful is this throbbing bugger behind my eyes. It feels like my brain was mugged by a vicious gang of Jehovah’s Witnesses. You know the kind I mean. The cruel ones who dress like sweet old women, but you know they’re really failed encyclopedia salesmen and are out to get you.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Imagine being a failed encyclopedia salesman… It boggles the mind. How could a person fail at a job like that? I suppose the sample case might be too heavy for some potential salespeople to carry. So you could lose the job that way. Simple physical inability.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

But what about those who can carry the sample case and do get their foot in the door and do get to give their spiel… And never get any further than that because they are so bloody boring and awful and tedious and desperately dull that their would-be customers would rather blow their own brains out than take five more minutes with this most useless of all encyclopedia salesmen… What about them?

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Theirs must be the most lonely and downtrodden of lives: the person who fails to sell encyclopedia. Could any Greek tragedian have dared dream such a miserable figure — so bereft of spirit, so devoid of humanity — that even other salesmen would avoid him?

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Indeed. I believe it was Aristophanes who wrote of a man who knew a man who had a cousin who dated a failed seller of arcane knowledge, set forth in Cuneiform on baked clay tablets, all this can be yours for the low, low price of just 60 drachmas a month.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Don’t the growing minds of your precious loved ones deserve to have a really fine set of encyclopedia in the home? Consider the advantages of owning this fine set of volumes that includes information on subjects starting with 25 of the 26 letters in the English alphabet. Here’s my card. I really hope to hear from you. Soon… Okay?

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For the week of August 21–27, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

You can hear strange sounds coming from your neighbour’s place this week. He could be constructing a piece of furniture — perhaps a queen-sized bed or new sofa — or he could be building a coffin in which you will soon find yourself encased, being slipped into the Earth while still alive. Cross your fingers that it’s a new sofa.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

With about seven billion people currently living on this planet, it is a wonder that the centrifugal force doesn’t fling us off the surface, out through our thickening atmosphere and deep into the dark, icy chill of Outer Space. Maybe there is something to this “gravity” theory after all.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

I’ve been busy working in the laboratory with my hideous assistant Hoffnung on a fantastic new idea I came up with while I was standing in the three-block lineup at my local coffee bar one recent morning.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

This is a sure-fire winner, the sort of million-dollar idea that comes just once in a lifetime. It’s safe to say that, because of this newly invented product, your fave-rave Horoscopologist is going to be able to retire to a deserted tropical isle and live the life of Reilly. (Not specifically Ignatius J. Reilly, FYI.)

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Of course, the trick with any new, brilliant idea is to not let the feline out of the sack too soon. One must muster one’s resources, put all one’s bricks in a line and be ready to jump when the frying pan is getting hot. However, I’m pretty sure that nobody is reading these columns — and I really need to get this off my chest.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Here’s my idea: Coffee for people who don’t like coffee. Sure, you say, there are already plenty of non-coffee products out there. Take orange soda, for example. Orange soda isn’t coffee, you say. And I would congratulate you on your cleverness and give you a little smarmy pat on your lumpy head.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

The big difference is that my new product (which will be called something along the lines of “Coffee for people who don’t like coffee”) comes in a coffee can or paper sack and can be used in a regular percolator, bodum or espresso machine. And my new product will come in a wide range of non-coffee-style beverages.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

The coffee-drinkers of the world are — and let’s be brutally frank here — a condescending and unpleasant bunch. They look on tea-sippers or soft drink guzzlers as somehow subpar, below average, semi-moronic backwater relative-marriers. And who can blame them?

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

But my new anti-coffee product will contain food dyes and additives that will make it appear the user is actually making coffee. Only when the brew has been fully prepared can a difference between ersatz and the real deal be detected.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

We’re planning to market the new product as a far-ranging lineup of non-coffee drinks: chocolate milk, a particularly dark-brown tea, a sort of acrid and distinctly hot cola, a chicory/roasted sorghum blend that is really unpleasant and, of course, potting soil that looks just like freshly ground coffee but is actual ground.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

With a mug of Mark Elf’s Non-coffee Coffee Substitute (catchy name, eh?), no longer will you be the butt of such comments as “Look at that guy not drinking coffee” and “I guess that person isn’t a coffee-drinker.” Cruel jibes such as these can haunt someone for the rest of the hour.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

We’re just about ready to start packing our first bags for a test-run at a friendly and only slightly shady corner shop here in the neighbourhood. If I can only persuade Hoffnung to stop gratifying himself with the automated packaging machine, we should be all set. I’d ask you to wish me luck on my new venture, but what could possibly go wrong?

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For the week of August 14–20, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

You enjoy a brief respite from the insanity next door as your tinfoil-hatted neighbour has taken a week-long holiday in the country. Problem is that he’s visiting a group of outlaw vigilantes and will return to your neighbourhood with a new appreciation for homemade incendiary devices.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Creatures too small to see with the naked eye will begin to colonize your navel sometime Tuesday morning. The only way to defeat this scourge (which could eventually cover your entire body) is to bathe for several hours in a heady mixture of cider vinegar and expensive French mustard. Ooo, la la!

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

With the temptation to take the easy and cruel road to riches and fame just in front you, it is encouraging to realize that your total lack of ambition has made the world a happier, healthier and safer place. Keep slacking off!

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Those tumblin’ tumbleweeds will roll right through your home this week (probably Thursday or Friday) and take you away with them. There is no way to avoid this bizarre and, frankly, unlikely event so you might as well get used to being “on the road” for a while, or at least till you’ve distributed all your seeds.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Did you know that the second grouping of NASA space flights were called Gemini? Most people think that the rocket-shots were called Gemini because the craft was engineered for two astronauts. In fact, the actual reason is that all the scientists who worked on those missions were born in the first three weeks of June. Imagine that!

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Sure, some things this week can be depressing, even very depressing. But that doesn’t mean you should throw the baby out with the bath-water. Unless it’s a baby cobra and you worry about it growing up to terrorize your family. Then, by all means, call the SPCA.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Snarl! Growl!! Grrrr!!! The fearsome nature of the majestic Lion has been given you as a token of your birthrite. Never forget that the terrorizing talents of the King of the Beasts gives your every glance a powerful fillip. That being said, you should still offer your seat on the bus to old ladies.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Never let it be known that your one weakness is candy. Your fellow workers and even those you pass on the street would taunt you with pitiless cries of “Hey candy-lover!” and “There goes ol’ Sweet Tooth!” Could you live with that unending shame? Could you? Regardless, schedule an appointment with your oral hygienist asap.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Good lord, I’ve just used my last blank cheque and I still have to pay for the balance of my new lead-lined underpants. Sure, those sound like a luxury item, but they are absolutely necessary if I’m going to keep my goolies safe from Japanese radiation. It’s in the water!

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Not long ago, a promise was made to a dying relative about a precious heirloom. Within a week you’d forgotten your promise and lost the heirloom. Does it matter? Only if you don’t mind being haunted by a quiet, rather ineffectual ghost. Small, nondangerous kitchen items will float innocuously for a moment or two Monday. No biggie.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Speaking of bizarre clichés, here’s a weird one: “Smell and the world smells with you.” That one has never made sense to me. Smell what? Or does it mean smell as in “emit an unpleasant odour”? Is there anyone who can explain this bit of folksy wisdom to me? What a world, what a world….

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

It seems that word has leaked about your dream of snorkelling around the world. Now your relatives have begun to raise funds to help you realize your dream. In fact, the money being raised can be used to take any sort of trip you like. Just so it’s a one-way ticket, Snoopy.

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For the week of August 7–13, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

That clod with the tinfoil hat who believes someone is beaming controlling rays from space into his tiny mind has decided that you are key to the mystery of why he keeps breaking his fingernails. Prepare your alibi now to shorten the time he keeps a Luger trained on your soft underbelly.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Will Shakespeare might have said it was “much ado about nothing,” but he could have been mistaken. After all, he’s been dead for 500 years. Unless his plays were written by an unknown scenarist who went by the pseudonym of… George Bernard Shaw!

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

What with all the toxic chemicals that you have allowed — nay, welcomed — into your corpulent body over the years, this is certainly the very best time to do a little cleansing. Start with your armpits and vigorously work your way both down and up. Pea-you….

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

There are strange things lurking just beneath the topsoil in a potted plant you or your spouse has carefully tended for the last year. The spores of these vicious and dangerous creatures have been coddled and hatched and are now actively seeking a warm-blooded host. Wear heavy, steel-toed boots at all times.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Little, tiny bits of cardboard will shower down upon you this Thursday when an experimental all-paper airplane explodes above the downtown core. Unfortunately, the newspaper parachutes of the pilot and passengers won’t work and bodies will be plunging Earthward for more than 20 minutes. Man, that was one dumb idea.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Terrible sonic waves, each the equivalent of a million-billion decibels, will bombard your vicinity sometime in the wee hours of Wednesday. Any attempt to block the eardrum-shattering noise will prove fruitless. Once you are all but deaf, you will discover that the huge sounds emanate from a toddler with a Mister Microphone.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

A cut-glass punch bowl (with matching cups) will prove to be your best friend this week. This might sound incredible, but the Zodiacal Houses have all lined up and assured me this is so. How will these inanimate objects become so wondrous in your eyes? I have no idea.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Tramps and hobos will be chasing you down the street Friday, after word spreads in the railyards that you have some extra string. These “street-loafers” all need fresh string in order to keep their pants up, so be sure to tie up any loose ends.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Please don’t eat the daisies. You could also lay off the zinnias, roses, lilacs, violets and day lilies. Do feel free to devour the weeds in the corner of the backyard behind the garage. But the camelias, jonquils, tulips and chrysanthemums are verboten.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Has anyone heard anything lately from that fellow who used to be on TV? You know the one I mean. He played that guy who did stuff and sometimes he drove around and he had another guy with him, or maybe it was a gal. I wonder what he’s doing these days. Hope he’s not dead. He was unforgettable.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Lily Langtry, the Darling of the Wild West, will hover over the foot of your bed this weekend and ask you to bake cupcakes, either vanilla or lemon (definitely not chocolate as she abhors “the darker flavours”). If you bake enough of them, Lily will sing and sing and sing till you want to tell her to get lost.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Whosoever saves but one life, saves the world. Or… whosoever saves the world, saves but one— No, that doesn’t make sense. I have such trouble with these sorts of logical back-and-forth things. All I know is that I’m in jail, Dad. And I like it!

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For the week of July 31–August 6, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

That tinfoil-hatted loon next door has recently come into some money and has decided to put in a moat, complete with hungry alligators and really big snapping turtles. He’s going to start calling you Poolboy.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Those who would have us believe that global warming is caused by so-called Greenhouse Gases fail to comprehend the big picture. Yes, there are considerably more hydrocarbons being released into the planet’s atmosphere, but that’s only the first part of the equation.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

In fact, what is happening is much more complicated. Consider that the Earth is a large ball of stone and metal, the surface a thin layer of water and other detritus, all covered by a transparent skin of gas. This gas is composed of many different types, including argon and neon. And freon. We mustn’t forget the damn freon.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

And we must bear in mind that as temperature goes up, gas naturally expands. So as the overall temperature of our planet increases, the actual circumference of the Earth expands, making the globe larger in space.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

This increase in the actual size of Earth has brought us closer to the Sun. And since the Sun is the source of the heat that is warming the Earth and thus expanding our atmospheric blanket, the Sun is drawing us ever closer to itself.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

There can be only one conclusion: Our own Sun is trying to kill us. Hard as that may be for some to believe — particularly the Sun-worshipers — when facts are presented, they must be accepted. …Unless you’re a dribbling right-wing idiot such as Sarah Palin or that guy who hosts The Family Feud (no, not Richard Dawkins).

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

So now the battle is joined. The Sun, once believed to be the very sustenance of life upon our puny planet, is actually a murderous scum who wants to see us all dead… The vicious Sun desires even the death of our pets and our precious houseplants. Plus those guys who live across the street — the nice ones who carry groceries for you. I mean, come on!

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

It is up to us, the people of Earth, to wage war upon the Sun and bring it down off its little high horse. We must use all our technological and industrial might to kill the Sun, to drown it, to douse it, before it accomplishes its ultimate goal of destroying life on our planet.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

What can we do to snuff out this rotten star, this naughty stellar object, this wayward Sun? Well, I’ve been giving this some consideration… quite a lot of consideration, actually… I haven’t slept in either three weeks or two years… I’m not sure which. Hey, is the gas on over there? Check, would you?

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Anyway, what we have to do is get every country on the globe to build enormous factories that do nothing but create carbon dioxide and other Greenhouse Gases. We must pump these effluvia into the atmosphere in a much faster and more effective manner than the slipshod and haphazard way we’ve already been doing that.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Once our atmosphere has increased in size several million times, it will actually reach the surface of the Sun itself. It will then be an easy day-trip for the U.S. military to attack the Sun and force it to cool its jets, so to speak, and stop being such a hot-head. We will spank the Sun, if need be. Send in the Marines!

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

If we are to win the war against the Sun and extinguish this inhuman and insufferable gasbag, we must take the battle to the very heart of our nearest star. Otherwise, we’re all going to die of heat prostration and severe rashes “down below.” All that chafing, tsk tsk.

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For the week of July 24–30, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Señor Tinfoil Topper is about to return from a southern holiday. He managed to reach the Panama Canal before he had to turn around and begin the long trudge home. He blames you for the construction of the canal and foiling his plan to walk to the southernmost tip of South America.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Making up the rules as you play, Friday night will see you thrust into a poker game with some of the most ruthless players on the TV casino circuit. That annoying Canadian guy will keep talking and talking, while the evil redhead who was on The Apprentice will try to stab your eyeballs. Watch out for sidebets!

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Several noncommissioned officers will stop by your home this Wednesday with a message from the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff: “Never water your lawn during the hottest part of the day.” How good to know that the top military brass is thinking green!

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Not everyone who sings the blues is actually living the blues or even feeling blue when they sing the blues. This does not necessarily mean they are “big phonies,” but merely professionals who can “turn on” and “turn off” their feelings. Like magic robots.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Gemini, the Starsign which roughly translates as The Fraternal (or Conjoined) Twins, is in trouble. It seems the constellation Leo has developed a taste for human flesh and has been tracking the Gemini duo for several thousand years. If the lion devours poor Gemini, we professional Horoscopologists will be sore afraid, I reckon.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Ever play that game in which you try to say something that has never been said before? I’ll give you an example: “Nothing Natalie could do would reattach the roof of her stationwagon to the underside of the effeminate tyrannosaur.”

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Get it? It is very unlikely that anyone has ever uttered that phrase before. And if you want to be absolutely sure that no one has ever said it, you can simply add a comma and another person’s name at the end. I’ll give you an example.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

“Nothing Natalie could do would reattach the roof of her stationwagon to the underside of the effeminate tyrannosaur, Ignatius.” Now we can be almost perfectly certain that no one has ever previously spoken that sentence. And there are variations on the game, too.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

You can personalize the sentences so that they include the names of the people playing the game, or perhaps the names of pets or objects in the room must be included. Really, the skies the limit and any number of players and rules can be added or swapped about.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

I’m going to take another turn, then you can have a go…. “Holding David’s clawhammer in his teeth, Ricardo struggled for 19 years to climb the face of Mount Nixon, the biggest mountain in the world known to have never told the truth to another elected peak in the Adirondacks.”

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Okay, now you go…. Take your time…. Think of a combination of things that have never been placed together in a sentence before…. Come on, you can do it. Need some help starting? Think of cabbage rolls and penguins, all practising their sousaphones as the sun begins to play darts with writer Jerzy Kosinski….

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Hmm…. Well, perhaps the game comes more easily to those of us with a heightened sense of unreality. It may well be that the imagination necessary to invent total nonsense aids a professional Horoscopocological & Mantological Utterer in earning his bread and butter. Or maybe you’re simply too sober. I’m not.

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The following column is dedicated to Dorothy Eberts, a wonderful mother & friend of friends.

For the week of July 17–23, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your nemesis-neighbour in the tinfoil-hat has begun digging a tunnel straight downward. Most remarkable is that he happens to be standing directly over the centre of the Earth. Be prepared for gouts of molten rock and superheated steam to await you when next you step out your front door.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

A loved one has breathed her last. As she was on the verge of crossing over, she motioned for her husband to come close to hear her final message: “Never settle for laminate flooring. You can’t go wrong with solid hardwood.” RIP, sweet angel.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Your paternal grandfather, long deceased, will visit you sometime after two a.m. Monday. Dragging a mass of old flyrods, creels, lures and fishing reels behind him, he will warn you that if you don’t change your attitude to flyfishing, you will be visited by three ghostly fishermen. Eerie, huh?

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

At times like this, it’s difficult not to think of one’s dear mother. The sacrifices made for her children, her unconditional love, her devotion — all these mean so much in memory. Let’s hope those memories of being locked in the onion cellar while she “entertained” the local cowboys soon fade.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

A startling announcement that you, in fact, have a half-sibling previously unknown will shake you to your inner core. How could such a thing happen? Is it even possible to conceive outside of wedlock? Now this familial interloper has moved into your bedroom and is demanding your portion of the weekly cheese allowance.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Always a fan of horror movies, my mother liked to drag myself and my younger sisters to double bills at the old Strand Theatre (across from the Bay store) where we would watch Hammer horror flicks. Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and the occasional naked wench enlivened these otherwise lacklustre movies, but what I mostly remember is all of us laughing at how silly these gorey films were. Good times, good times….

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Having lost your long-term partner (a partnership that lasted a remarkable 53 years), you wonder this week if the business can continue. What is needed is a major change in the way you regard the future of the concern. There are still many ventures that could make business interesting, profitable and fun. Don’t focus on the past; the future is always brighter than what’s done.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Death is the great equalizer. It is also the great peacemaker. However, the equal peace of the grave is not the sort of restful judgment most of us seek. If we can land men on the moon (and, just as importantly, bring them back), why can we not eliminate this crazy Death thing? For example, I wouldn’t mind being a head in a jar, gibbering with the other floating heads. Just don’t put me in a room with the Kardashians.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

If my head could be frozen after I die, then thawed at some future date and attached to a powerful robot body over which I had total control, and if through that robot body I was able to threaten all of humankind with total destruction unless they obeyed me, well… I could live with that.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

But these terrible ailments — diseases such as cancer, in its myriad forms — these are what medical science should be aiming to cure. If there anyone out there working to beat the scourge of cancer? Or are all the scientists too busy starching their white lab coats and appearing in PBS documentaries to get any work done?

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

All those who lived through the Second World War, the greatest conflict ever thrust upon the world, are now aging and will within a decade or two be gone. It is important that we gather the wise words and knowledge of these people, especially if we hope to repeat the mistakes of the past. Let’s face it: WWII was pretty cool, with the best villains ever.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

In the words of Irish wit Oscar Wilde: “If you jump into an open grave, you’ll either make a fool of yourself or the walls of the grave will cave in and you’ll suffocate in damp, cold soil, you little tit.” Man, nobody writes aphorisms like Wilde these days.

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For the week of July 3–9, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your occasionally hostile neighbour, the one who wears the tinfoil hat 24–7 to deflect mind-reading beams from space satellites, has run out of tinfoil. Now he wants yours. You can give it up quickly and easily (a good idea), or fight him to the death (a very bad idea).

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Know that song by Marty Robbins called El Paso? Here’s the short version: “Down in the west Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love, I got shot and I died.” Hmm… that fell kind of flat. Well, it sure was funny when I heard it sung.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Sunday will be a rather poor day for you to slag off church and thumb your nose at God. It just so happens that this Sunday is when God is going to finally get to your name in His Big Book of Humans. I’d get my butt to church and keep it there for at least a week. God is a bit of a slow reader and there’s no point tempting Him.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Monday is a day that will see your most cherished secret dream come true. Sure, maybe you won’t realize that finding half an Oh Henry bar on the bus is your most cherished secret dream, but trust me, it is. How very small and pathetic you are.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Strive to make the very best meatloaf you have ever made this Tuesday. There might be some who eschew the venerable and humble meatloaf, but it all depends on the recipe. To your usual mixture, add capers, foie gras and a good blue cheese, bake to perfection and then present it to the mayor and city council.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Wednesday — often called Humpday by those insensitive to the problems of the hunchbacked community — is the perfect day for you to “give your warmth” to the first person you see with a serious spinal condition. Especially if you’re an attractive young blonde woman and your name is Candy Christian.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Your first love, the one you cherish most in your heart of hearts, will drop by this Thursday to ask for a loan. While the amount may be somewhat shocking (upwards of a half-million bucks), it’s the voluble way in which your former beau will insist that you cough up the dough immediately. Hey, it’s not my problem….

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Of course, Friday is a grand day to paint the town red. Your local hardware or home decoration shop will undoubtedly have plenty of red paint — and at a very reasonable price. Keep a few bucks aside to bribe the police officers who want to arrest you for slopping red satin-finish latex everywhere.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Whatever happened to the guy who was in The Partridge Family TV show? You know the one I mean… he played the manager. I think he was blond and might have done a stint on another old show. Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-in, maybe? Where is that guy today? Is he in Hell? I’m really curious.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Saturday you will be visited by the spirit of Frank Zappa. This Ghost-Frank will teach you to flawlessly play the guitar riffs for several of his dirtiest songs. However, when he vanishes in the light of dawn, all you’ll remember are the words to Montana. What a shame.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

This has been an extraordinary week for Sagittarians, no matter their ethnicity or age group. Doesn’t even matter if they are rich or poor, tall or short, fat or skinny. It’s simply been the best week of every Sagittarian’s life. And if you don’t know why, it’s not my job to inform you. Well, maybe it is. But I’m not going to, so be quiet.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Hey, there’s an alligator coming up the escalator! And is that an aviator riding the alligator coming up the escalator? Holy moley! These department stores are not what they used to be. I’m sticking to the plain old stairs from now on.

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For the week of June 26–July 2, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Señor Tinfoil-Hat has been hard at work digging a tunnel to connect your home and his. With the floorboards of your place about to be chopped through with the business-end of a pickaxe, it might be time to take a holiday. Don’t bother to pack — get out now!

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

You know the little angel and devil that appear on the shoulders of characters in movies or TV shows offering temptation or kindly advice? Late Wednesday afternoon, they will appear to you. Ignore them at your peril. My advice is to speak to each of them loudly and vociferously, no matter who might also be in the vicinity. The police will understand.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Being dragged behind a pickup truck for more than a dozen kilometres might sound like fun, but the harsh reality is something altogether different. While there is nothing you can do to avoid your fate, make sure you wear cast-iron underpants this week.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Lovingly offered, a delicious piece of what appears to be apple pie will, in fact, turn out to be some sort of evil confection filled to overflowing with cyanide, strychnine and eye of newt. Politely but firmly decline a third helping.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Your friend has a new iPad and has spent the last couple of days filling it with old photographs of people you don’t know and songs you can’t stand. Ask if you can borrow the snazzy device and then “accidentally” smash it against a fencepost several times.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Thursday you should expect the unexpected. Of course, as a trained and thoroughly reputable Horoscopologist, I know exactly what the unexpected entails, but it’s time you crabby Cancers were brought down a notch or two. If that seems mean-spirited… tough.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Your magnificent mane of red-gold hair, falling over your shoulders just like that of a fearsome and arrogantly beautiful lion, will get caught in a clothes wringer this Saturday. Since being drawn head-first into a mangle can spoil your entire weekend, I’d suggest you avoid visiting antique shops or anywhere else they keep such devices.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Remember that commercial from a few years ago in which all those young men kept shouting “Whazzup?” at each other, over and over and over? That was a good one. I also liked the one where the young lady passes gas in her date’s car, not knowing there’s another couple in the backseat. Man, that’s some funny stuff.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

As you pour your usual brand of cereal into your favourite bowl this Monday, out will drop a 36-pound gold bar. No, it’s not a prize intentionally placed in the box. In fact, the bar was accidentally hidden there by pirate ghosts still smarting over the death of Errol Flynn.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

When confronted midweek by a gang of ferocious young men with murder on their minds, remember that a soft word turneth away wrath. If a soft word doesn’t work, try jamming your hands in your pocket and saying “Aw shucks” till they stop beating you.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Anyone can melt chocolate using a microwave oven. The real trick is melting chocolate with an ice cube, some thimbles and a handful of dead leaves. Practise this trick and then perform it at your parents’ next anniversary party. Why, you ask. Why not?

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

A deity from a long-forgotten religion will drop by this Friday for a cup of coffee. If you don’t have any coffee, the deity will grimace mightily and ask for Sanka. If you don’t have any Sanka, the deity will lay a curse upon you that will make the rest of your short life thoroughly miserable. Just go buy some damned coffee, you dink.

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For the week of June 19–25, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Your mad neighbour has been playing a lot of old music, specifically Beatles tunes. He believes that by playing them in an exact order he can thwart the aliens who are trying to listen to his thoughts. Your sneeze a few minutes ago made him lose his place and now he’s really, really angry with you. Time to consider moving back to your mom’s place.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

A large-bellied fellow wearing a purple bodysuit and the number 23 emblazoned on his front will come staggering up to you this Thursday. Long red tongue waggling from his enormous mouth, he will claim he was just bonked with a gigantic apple. Direct him to the nearest Denny’s.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

While never one to believe stray rumours, you can’t help but be bothered by these constant theories regarding Paul McCartney and his possible death. Rest easy, my friend; if Paul did die, it was back in the ’60s and thus completely meaningless in today’s now-a-go-go world.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Since John Lennon would “rather see you dead, little girl, than to be with another man,” I would suggest he’s not the best boyfriend for a young lady. It might be a clever idea to get the hell away from a guy with those sorts of tendencies. You know the ones I mean, the guy who kills his girlfriend if she is spotted chatting with another bloke.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

If it is true that the authorities now know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall, why does this remain a favourite area of research at the London Polytechnic Institute? Surely there are more important matters to study, such as alternative means of powering a brightly hued submarine.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Following the death of lead guitarist George Harrison, the questions remains: who could have ever imagined that Ringo Starr would wind up being the coolest Beatle? (Mr. Elf would like to thank Death for making this terrible joke possible.)

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Are you aware that the Beatles are singing a well-known children’s song in the background of their hit single Paperback Writer? It’s true. And if you were already aware of this bit of frippery, don’t be so smug. Uncounted millions have listened to that song since it was first released, smartass.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Long considered the most serious artist of the group, Lennon could occasionally be a vicious drunk. After he’d hoisted a few it was dangerous to be around him and his sharp tongue. He used that sharp tongue to ridicule the pompous and also to burst children’s balloons. Take that, shorty!

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

There is, of course, continuing controversy regarding the ultimate meaning of the final lyrics of the Beatles’ song Norwegian Wood. Does the protagonist of the song actually burn down his erstwhile girlfriend’s house, or is it merely a funny way to wrap up a song about naughty fun? In either case, don’t mention it to Cyn.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

And what the hell were those two “new” Beatles songs released a few years ago? Featuring John’s voice on a crappy cassette recording, there was no way to disguise the fact that this was a pure and simple money-grab from their fans, old and young. I’d like to predict that those involved will fall into an open sewer. So I shall… there!

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

If indeed “all you need is love,” then why are there so many photos and films of the Beatles smoking cigarettes? It would seem that one needs love and tobacco. And what about a recording studio? And a big car painted all fancy? And a Japanese wife of questionable artistic merit? Ooo, that Yoko… don’t you just wanna slap her?

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

The actual influence of the Beatles as an entity may not be judged for several more decades — or at least until that big-head McCartney shuffles off this mortal coil. Then we can be really mean about them. Something to look forward to, I suppose.

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For the week of June 12–18, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Mr. Tinfoil Hat, your neighbour with the brain problem, is looking for a contract killer. It seems he has an infestation of mice and believes they must be “rubbed out” before they report his activities to the authorities. Deny any and all connections to the local Mafioso when he beards you Tuesday.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

What began as a lovely fish supper will end in bitter acrimony and vicious recriminations this weekend as your spouse or domestic partner makes an obvious ploy for the larger piece of halibut. Try to keep your head and remember that one meal is not worth paying thousands to divorce attorneys.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Little is known about the microscopic creatures that inhabit the roots of your eyelashes. The best that can be said about them is that they are relatively quiet, at least compared to the 18-foot tapeworm in your gut that listens to Vivaldi at high volumes.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

A sweet little girl with the face of an angel and the hands of a champion bantam-weight will deke you out early Wednesday as she asks for some candy. Take the kidney punch in good humour and remember that today’s little girl is tomorrow’s mayoral candidate.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

For more than a decade, your family members have been quietly raising funds to send you on a round-the-world cruise. Strangely, the ticket is not return and you could eventually find yourself sharing an icefloe with a love-starved polar bear near Anchorage.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Not only is your best friend employed by an overseas government to discover and transmit sensitive state secrets, but your pal has implicated you as some sort of covert superspy. Even now, the government is closing the net and you will be in a federal lockup by noon Friday.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Few would doubt either your veracity or your perspicacity, yet that is exactly what your Aunt Matilda will do midweek. When the old woman shows up outside your office with a placard-carrying group of ne’er-do-wells, speak to her in a firm voice. Tell her that she is barking up the wrong tree and it’s your cousin Jiminy she wants.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

A large pack of feral dogs, led by a Scots terrier named Wee Hamish, will prevent you from leaving your vehicle when you arrive home from work (either Monday or Tuesday). Though none of the dogs weighs more than a few kilograms, some of the pooches carry shivs — so watch yourself.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

The sudden onset of summery weather has many of your neighbours hesitant about enjoying the outdoor festivities in your neighbourhood because they expect to find you always in their faces, forever nattering on and on and on about how nice it is.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Winging its way toward your cranium this Thursday, a flying fox — largest of all the world’s bats — has decided your hair would make the perfect lining for its nest. Borrow a football helmet and wear it 24-7 for the next six months or move to Lima, Peru.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

A staggeringly obese gentleman, redolent of fine wine and good cooking, will attempt to waterboard you this week. Though he believes “it’s all in good fun,” once you begin to divulge secrets you won’t want to stop and some of those closet skeletons should remain under wraps. Don’t leave your bedroom till mid-month.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

A pupa, measuring about nine inches in length and at least that big in diameter, will disgorge a large stinging insect on Sunday. Unfortunately, this pupa is located at the back of your kitchen pantry and the unruly bug will attempt to pin you to the stovetop with its three-inch stinger. Sucks to be you.

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For the week of June 5–11, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Huzzah! That loony neighbour of yours, the one who believes his tinfoil hat will thwart the satellite reading his brainwaves, has decided to move! He will no longer occupy the apartment next to yours. He has decided to move into your spare bedroom. Some new wallpaper may be in order.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

There is no way we can intelligently dismiss all the thousands of UFO sightings that have occurred over the past eighty years. Indeed, such sightings have been recorded for centuries, if not millennia, and may explain much of the Old Testament fixation on “tubes that do fly” and “platter-shaped floating craft” that so bothered Job and his wife during weekend jaunts to Jericho.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

As for your own views on the UFO phenom, never let it be said that you are anything other than openminded and you approach each piece of evidence and testimony with a credulity that borders on the moronic. Such is your trusting nature that you still believe that Santa could very well be a real guy and the Easter Bunny excretes chocolate eggs.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

When you are confronted this week with what appears to be rock-solid evidence of an extraterrestrial spaceship that has parked itself two blocks away at a busy intersection, you are more than willing to believe that Erich von Daniken was absolutely correct.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

All of humanity’s greatest creations, throughout recorded time, have been built at the behest and with the assistance of bubble-headed aliens that delight in gigantic pyramidal structures and mountaintop Andean retreats. This you believe with all your heart and all your soul. (And if it is your birthday Sunday, June 5, I sincerely hope you have a lovely one. Try to spend at least part of the day gardening.)

Cancer

June 22–July 22

And what of the lost City of Atlantis? That home of high technology, that modern miracle in a world that still believed the dead would be reincarnated as stout maple trees and butterflies — what of it? Could it have been the central hub, the headquarters as it were, of a vast intragalactic membership that waited only for the birth of reason in humankind?

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Or was Atlantis the nexus of forces so enormous, of creatures so vastly intelligence that they dwarf even the intellectual giants revered in today’s modern world? Was Atlantis the very heart of a mighty conflict that virtually destroyed the planet, sinking forever beneath the vast salt-waves a once-great civilization?

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

And what of that enormous silver spaceship that now sits on its huge tailfins just blocks from your home? Why does no one else seem overly concerned that this alien craft has landed, seemingly overnight, and attracts herds of human beings to its ground-level window?

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Could this be the first stage of a total takeover of our world by gigantically brained creatures whose sole purpose can and must be to enslave and subjugate the descendants of those who previously worked to build the pyramids, create Machu Picchu, deforest northern Africa and dig the Panama Canal?

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

And why do humans willingly line up patiently to meet, one by one, with the starry inhabitants of the silver spaceship? Are they being given world-changing instructions? Or can it be that our soon-to-be alien overlords are sucking the very RNA from their victims’ brains in order to construct a more perfect enslavement, a terror unknown since Al Jolson used to make those early Talkies?

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

It is time that you took a stand. It is time to put your own puny existence on the line for your fellow Earthlings. It is time to put your morality where your mouth is and get in that line and discover exactly what is going on at the window of that ominous spacecraft….

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Yes, after speaking briefly with the humanoid behind the counter at the alien craft’s window, it is obvious what the fiends desire: the otherworldly monsters want you to buy something called a Spaceburger, with a side of Orbital Fries and a chocolate milkshake. Remember: hold the onions.

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For the week of May 29–June 4, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

No one has seen your tinfoil-hat-wearing neighbour for more than a week. Rumours are flying around the neighbourhood that you had something to do with his disappearance. Even though he is a well-known lunatic and much feared, the neighbours have taken his side and are, even now, organizing to raze your house and trample your flowerbeds.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

This is a good week to contemplate your navel. Find a cool, quiet place to sit, remove your shirt and gaze downwards towards the centre of your belly. Notice the little bits of lint that hang about the edges of your tummy-button. Maybe it’s time for your annual showerbath. What do you think, Stinky?

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Freaks and weirdos will look you up in the phonebook and descend upon your dwelling this Tuesday in order to examine your shins and so-called funny bones. This is a passing fad among such people and within the decade, interest will peter out.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

No one need concern themselves with your ultimate fate, which could very well take place this week. Try to find a safe place to hide, such as a basement or stout canning cupboard. Barring that, paint yourself olive-green and go climb a stout oak tree. Remain within calling distance.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

The continuing devastation of the North American continent by savage and unnaturally severe weather systems is but a small inkling of what’s in store for you and yours this Friday. Dress warmly and be sure to note the location of the nearest dinghy.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

An eight-foot-tall clown, dressed in motley and wearing the biggest shoes you’ve ever seen in your life, will be found dead between your mattresses midweek. While the police are tearing your home to pieces — trying to secure “evidence” — keep your sardonic wit under control and don’t make jokes about porkers and how you loathe circus-folk.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

That familiar, mildly sickening rumble in your guts can only mean one thing: your mother-in-law is coming for a visit. Once she arrives, put a plate of raw prawns on her favourite chair and remind her that she owes you $6 from Bingo. This is an excellent week to feign unconsciousness.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Not only is June the best time of year for gardening, but your talent for spotting actual prostitutes among groups of slatterns will be put to the test. When you successfully suss out one such professional, jump up and down, pointing and laughing. Then ask politely to speak to her pimp on “personal business.”

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Not everyone can be as open and honest as you are. The fact that you boldly speak your mind on a variety of topics (indeed, on any topic at all) means that you are tiresome company and everyone — from your closest family members to itinerant clergy — are learning to give you a wide berth.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Never one to turn down a friend in need, Monday will test even your generous nature. A close buddy will arrive at your door, panting hysterically. Covered in what appears to be blood and the contents of someone’s cranium, he’ll ask you to hide a stained prybar and then himself. Suggest he crouch inside your old steamer trunk. Once he’s safely ensconced, call the authorities and demand better television reception.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Small particles of bitumen will rain down from the sky sometime this week. That in itself wouldn’t be a big problem, but they are flaming and will increase in size till they resemble burning Volkswagen beetles. It might be time to pack up and move to Arizona.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Less than a teaspoon of a clear, odourless liquid will be stirred into your beverage as you visit your favourite drinking establishment on Friday. When you begin to feel your heart palpitate, tell the bartender that his mother has always been a vicious old brute and dare him to punch you as hard as he can. This should allow you to sleep right through the worst effects of the severe poisoning.

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For the week of May 22–28, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Thursday you return home to find your building completely surrounded by first-responders. The SWAT team, decked out in bullet- and fireproof outfits, are ready to take down your neighbour, the weirdo with the tinfoil antisatellite hat. Unfortunately, just as they are about to get off a shot, they are called away to rescue a kitten trapped in a magnolia tree.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Never one to waste your time, you are known to family and friends as a multitasking son-of-a-gun. Your almost magical ability to keep several mental balls in the air at once is truly remarkable. If only you had something worth doing, you’d have it made in the shade, Einstein.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

An insanely violent preternatural creature — half-coelacanth, half-Samoan — will drop by to borrow a cup of sugar this Friday. Whatever you do, don’t refuse, even though you have no sugar. The monster can be fooled with a cup of salt or detergent powder. When it returns on Saturday to complain you ruined its brownies, don’t answer the door.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

Monday is an excellent day to get in a game of golf. If you don’t play golf, just hang around the ol’ 19th hole, guzzling glass after glass of beer and talking about “the stupendous back-nine” you just shot. When they come to throw you off the premises, complain that you suffered a brain injury during a previous incarnation.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Not unlike your Zodiacal Sign, the Celestial Twins, you are of two minds. One is gentle and kind; the other is nice and generous. Everybody who knows you thinks you’re the world’s biggest patsy. And have a happy birthday this year!

Cancer

June 22–July 22

The sound of a medium-sized dog (a Wheaten terrier, in fact) will be extremely audible to no one but yourself sometime about midweek. You’ll hear this dog bark, whine, growl, yawn, snore, fart and belch as she leads her rather comfortable life. If you like, feel free to murmur “Good doggy” when you’re alone. She’s listening to you, too.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Like one of those old Russian nesting dolls — the handpainted wooden figures that fit one inside the other, ad infinitum — your skin will begin peeling from your body on Saturday. Understandably alarmed, you will seek medical attention. Sadly, the doctor will only wink and grin at you, as he finds your condition unreservedly risible.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

While it has been some time since you were in the throes of true love, your quest for the ideal mate will come to an end at precisely midnight Thursday. I’m not saying you’re going to meet someone; I’m saying you’ll finally give up on your fruitless and pathetic search. Take up a hobby instead. I understand from my grandmother’s friends that macramé is quite rewarding.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

If only the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences gave out awards for biggest slob on the planet, your fame would be assured. As it is, the best you can hope for is that a serial killer decides you’re worthy of his attention. Check your mail Monday for some good electronic items on sale. And pick up some milk.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

This weekend is the perfect time to finish up that long-overdue spring cleaning you’ve been putting off. Start by hauling all your furniture out onto the street. Then steam-clean your entire home, from top to bottom. After eight or nine exhausting hours, don’t be surprised to find your furniture gone and a note from some very polite thieves.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Tuesday, a sudden hankering for roasted nuts will encourage you to take a quick walk to your local confectioners. While there, ask if he or she carries Snowballs, those coconut-covered little globs of creamy goodness. If they are unavailable, smash your head as hard as you can against the glass cabinet. You may do this metaphorically… if you’rechicken.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Recently released from the local insane asylum, a long-lost cousin will come for a visit on either Sunday or Wednesday, depending on the forecast. Invite him in and have a jolly chat, while keeping a deathgrip on the carving knife. By the time 4 a.m. rolls around, offer to go and live in the woods so he can have all your goods and your home. Stash a sleeping bag outside so you’ll be somewhat prepared to rough it through the next six months.

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For the week of May 15–21, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Expect the unexpected: your tinfoil-topped neighbour has decided that the authorities should be alerted to your nocturnal habits. If you have anything of which you are ashamed, now is the time to bury it in a deep, dark hole. If you are ashamed of nothing, then welcome the gendarmes with open arms and a bottle of vintage bubbly.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Smile, and the world smiles with you. Giggle surreptitiously, and people are likely to keep their distance. Laugh uproariously for no good reason, and the people in charge will lock you up and throw away the key. And that, my friend, is a dread bummer.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

There is no time like the present. That might not be as ridiculous as it sounds, considering what we know today of Quantum Physics. Although the presence of parallel omniverses and, indeed, quasiformative flux-matter multiverses may exist in both time and nontime, both within and without the fluid boundaries of our own universe, I wouldn’t sweat it.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

A rolling stone gathers no moss. Neither does it sow. And it’s far from likely that a rolling stone is going to do much of anything except continue on its tilted path, forced forever downward because of gravity, till it reaches the bottom of the grade at which point it will stop.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. This is a fact, in the same way that the phrase “black is not white” is a fact. However, in this case, the grass is greener simply because your neighbour bought a good brand of lawn fertilizer.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

People in glass houses should not throw stones. Of course, many people who have lived in glass houses forgot these wise words and threw a stone (or any solid, heavy object) and wound up bringing the entire structure down on their heads. And where’s the fun in that?

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

The early bird catches the worm. Such an expression is useful only for the person who is a dedicated fisherman. Those early birds are very useful in finding the worms necessary for bait when one goes out after some delicious rainbow trout. Mmm, pan-fried in a bit of butter… Delicious! Can I get trout on a delivery pizza?

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

The pen is mightier than the sword. This is particularly true if, as the swordsman raises his weapon up and behind his head in preparation for a really smashing sweep downwards through your paper-thin skull, you reach up and stab the dude in the eye with your pen.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Justice is blind. Not only that, Justice is deaf. And she’s not feeling very well either. I’m pretty sure Justice can be bribed, so she’s not very honest. In point of fact, Justice is a dirty old hag who often makes mistakes and winds up looking like a horse’s ass.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Waste not, want not. This sounds like a very simple argument for recycling, an early form of environmentalism. In fact, it’s an invitation to all and sundry to become hoarders and packrats and to never, ever throw anything away, no matter how useless and smelly.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

A penny saved is a penny earned. That might have been good advice back in the days when a penny could actually buy something. Today, however, a penny has about as much use as a plugged nickel and I would advise never bending down to pick one up. That’s how they got President Warren G. Harding.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. Man! What was wrong with the people in the old days? This is just crazy. Unless you’ve had some sort of brain accident and had the ol’ corpus collosum cut in twain, there is little chance that you can keep secret from one hand what the other is doing. Life is very hard, you know?

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For the week of May 8–14, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Locked out of your apartment, there will be no alternative but to rap gently on the door of your tinfoil-hatted neighbour this Wednesday. When the door opens a crack and a red-rimmed, baleful eyeball appears, speak these words in a Swedish accent: “Gud morgen! I vass yust vunderin’ eff you cud latt me clumb on yure fire escape?” When he let’s you in, take no notice of the things moaning under the dropcloths.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Could it possibly be that time of year again? Yes, our Planet has made its yearly orbit about our nearest Star and, sure enough, it is that time of year once more! Remember to do it right this year, otherwise you’ll suffer 365 days of regret. And don’t forget to clean up afterwards!

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

With a hint of rotten egg suffusing the breath of your blind date, your “big night out” Tuesday is likely to be memorable for all the wrong reasons. Order something with garlic at dinner to help mask your companion’s own unpleasant odour. And do not choose to see a porn movie with them. This definitely sends the wrong message.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

With all the bruhaha taking place in countries around the Middle East, is it any wonder that you can’t get a decent haircut? Consider purchasing a gently used Flowbee or perhaps a sharp set of sheep-shears. DIY is the coolest, man.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Ramrod straight and at attention, the squad of U.S. Marines stationed outside your bathroom door will seem, on Monday, a bit of an inconvenience. But late Thursday, after you’ve run out of toilet paper, you will understand the benefit. Remember: returning a salute is just the polite thing to do.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Hard as it might be to believe, that perfect, pink piglet left in a bassinet on your doorstep will turn out to be the biggest source of joy in your life. Raise the little squealer as if it was your own flesh and blood, give it a sentimental name and lots of love. After six months, you’ll never taste bacon more delicious than your sweet little armful!

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

Now that the days are growing longer, you might notice that they have not become any wider. If anything, the days seem to have lost weight and there is a rumour going around that the days have lupus or, at least, mono. The days themselves have admitted to feeling “a little week.” Laugh politely at this small joke.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Never, in the 11 billion years in which the Universe has existed, has there ever been an individual exactly like yourself. Take pride in this fact. However, this does not mean you should brag about your self-abuse. Keep that to yourself, Chubs.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Hardly daring to believe your eyes, ears and nose, you find the lucky magic winning doohickey at the bottom of your box of cereal. The lucky doohickey is worth a cool $5 million if returned to the manufacturer with proof of purchase before December 31, 1987. Congratulations!

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

With your ultracool dress sense and megawild élan, there has never been a socialite to top you. Paris Hilton, in comparison, is a hair-covered ape; Princess Kate Middleton a knuckle-dragging yokel. Use your one-in-a-billion styling ability to become a top-tier fashion maven. Either that or a contestant on TV’s Celebrity Bowling.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Speaking of Kate Middleton, it must be said: she is one hot tamale. Hubba hubba! Yowsah! Ga-hooga-hooga! Ruff! Woof-woof! Ah-woooohhh! Homina-homina-homina! Mama mia, she’sa some-a spicy meata-balla! Growwwwwwl! Woot woot!

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Now is not the week to make jokes on the bus. Keep to yourself, make no eye-contact with anyone and do not call attention to yourself. If your stop is approaching and no one else has rung the stop-bell, do not do it yourself. I don’t want to say why, exactly, but you could be in danger… Truth is, I’m not sure because I spilled coffee on that part of my Ancient Horoscopocological Scroll. Sorry.

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For the week of May 1–7, 2011.

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Aquarius

Jan. 20–Feb. 18

A week’s respite from your neighbour, the one who wears the tinfoil hat to block the satellite radiowaves. He’s visiting his elderly mother in a Chicago hospital and won’t be back till April 20. Oh wait… never mind.

Pisces

Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Step lightly as you round the corner this Tuesday or you could wind up neck-deep in freshly poured concrete. If you are unlucky enough to fall into the thick, fast-drying slurry, don’t bother calling for help. The city workers will just poke each other in the ribs and giggle.

Aries

Mar. 21–Apr. 20

Never one to sneer in the good fortune of friends and family, this week will be a challenge for you as your closest maternal relative wins the biggest lottery prize ever awarded and announces on television that you, specifically, are to be cut out of the will.

Taurus

Apr. 21–May 20

The sound of air-horns will haunt your every movement this Wednesday. When you get up in the morning, an air-horn will blast. When you stand up from the toilet, an air-horn will blast. When you leave the breakfast table, an air-horn will blast. You get the idea. Don’t forget your earplugs.

Gemini

May 21–June 21

Be sure to chew every single bite of food thoroughly late in the week as someone is going to “accidentally” salt your food with shaved glass. The grinding and grittiness of your meal should tip you off, but don’t spit it out. That would just be gross.

Cancer

June 22–July 22

Old-fashioned common sense is making a big comeback Thursday and you will be the beneficiary. Your boss will realize that you are underpaid. Your friends will suddenly understand that they have taken you for granted. An epiphany will alert your mate to your great worth as a lover. But you’ll sleep through it all.

Leo

July 23–Aug. 23

The weather will be good this coming week, unless you live in Tornado Alley. In which case now is the time to get out the concrete nails and attach yourself to the basement floor of your home or apartment building. Keep a supply of canned fish nearby for something to snack upon.

Virgo

Aug. 24–Sept. 22

Nothing could be more touching than the love between a mother and child. The tender feelings, the intimacy, the sweetest of all emotions; who could deny that this is proof that there is a higher purpose for humankind on Earth, that God in His eternal love watches over each one of us? Monday you will trip on a sidewalk crack and break your nose.

Libra

Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Thinking this weekend is a good time for a small party, you will drop in to your local grog shop to pick up a bottle of something delicious. However, the owner of the shop will take an instant dislike to your footwear and order you out of the shop at gunpoint. Don’t be insistent.

Scorpio

Oct. 23–Nov. 21

I think my dog is plotting against me. I have no proof, but I catch her staring at me throughout the day, giving me what I can only describe as “hard looks.” I don’t know whether to withhold treats till her attitude changes or change houses and not tell her. What a world, what a world….

Sagittarius

Nov. 22–Dec. 21

All manner of animal waste will be delivered to your home this week, starting with several tonnes of fresh, steaming horse manure. Within the hour, a dumptruck brimming with bat guano will arrive. You can try to refuse delivery, but they’ll just come back later when you’re catching 40 winks.

Capricorn

Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Surgery may be necessary to remove the small but highly mobile lump you discover Friday on the back of your right hand. The doctors will be baffled as the lump is able to maneuver under your skin faster than they can follow with their scalpels. The good news: you will shortly set a Guinness World Record for most surgical stitches!

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For the week of April 24–30, 2011.

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